One week from right now, I will know if I am pregnant. I try to imagine my reaction, good or bad. Will I cry? Cuss? Scream? Be speechless? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Today was a rough day. I still have this annoying cough and it makes me want to puke. I started putting the dishes away earlier today and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up but nothing came out. Then, D came home and I decided I should venture out and get some fresh air. As I was in the bathroom getting ready, I started coughing and threw up a little bit. What is the deal? I don't feel nauseous but I have this pukey feeling. I don't really know how else to describe it. I have also been getting these cramps but after doing some research, I found out that it is pretty normal after the transfer. I'm so nervous. I'm scared that something I do will ruin everything. Like coughing too much or working too hard. Luckily my job and my wonderful husband allow me to just rest and incubate these little babes.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
1.5 week wait
It started. The dreaded wait. I have been on bed rest which, unless you are sick, is totally sucky. I am so bored! Luckily I got some work done today. Plus, my mom came over and got today's lunch, tonight's dinner, and tomorrow's lunch all ready for me. It's the little things like that that totally make a difference.
Well, the embryologist called today and said none of our embryos matched the criteria to freeze. I was ok until I said it out loud to D. That means if this cycle doesn't work, there is no back up plan. I guess I was a little too hopeful when I found out how good our embryos were before the transfer. I thought to myself that if these were so good, we would have at least a couple more to freeze. I started crying and got this sick feeling that if they weren't able to be strong enough in "ideal" lab conditions, how could the ones in my uterus be expected to make it? I still have that sick feeling, but I'm trying to be hopeful. This whole thing is so up and down, it is hard to digest at times.
I'm still coughing some, but it is getting better. Tomorrow I'm not on bed rest, but I plan on doing as little as possible so that I can create a good environment for my little babes.
Well, the embryologist called today and said none of our embryos matched the criteria to freeze. I was ok until I said it out loud to D. That means if this cycle doesn't work, there is no back up plan. I guess I was a little too hopeful when I found out how good our embryos were before the transfer. I thought to myself that if these were so good, we would have at least a couple more to freeze. I started crying and got this sick feeling that if they weren't able to be strong enough in "ideal" lab conditions, how could the ones in my uterus be expected to make it? I still have that sick feeling, but I'm trying to be hopeful. This whole thing is so up and down, it is hard to digest at times.
I'm still coughing some, but it is getting better. Tomorrow I'm not on bed rest, but I plan on doing as little as possible so that I can create a good environment for my little babes.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Day 5
Last night was quite long. I took that cough syrup with hydrocodone and I couldn't sleep at all. Usually that stuff makes me pass out but I felt like I was outside of my body. Between that and my nerves, I hardly slept at all. I woke up early this morning, got all ready, ate a good breakfast, and did a little bit of work to get my mind off today. I was really calm all morning and we headed to the lab. My mom met us there and we were showed back to our room. I put my cute little gown on and waited for the embryologist to come in. The nurse had me take a valium even though I didn't think I needed it. I really had been so calm all day. I held it together until the embryologist gave me a picture of my little embryos! I got all teary eyed. He said that the bigger embryo is B/B and the smaller one is A/C. I was a little worried that the weren't A's but both the doctor and embryologist said they were beautiful embryos. Dr. Barnett said most of the pregnancies they get are from B/C embryos so mine were outstanding. He said if they were bad, he would tell us not to get our hopes up, but we were looking great.
So, they came in and rolled me back. It is really cold back there, apparently embryos don't like the heat or the light. So on top of being cold, I was so shaky! They put this camera on the embryos that showed up in the room and instantly, everybody was like, "wow, those look great!" From the time they took the picture (about 30 minutes), to then, the A/C embryo went to an A/B! How crazy! Well, 5 minutes later, it was done! No pain, not even from the stitch they had to put in. Dr. said he thought we would have a harder time but it went great. He said he can't make any promises, but all the controllable factors were perfect. He said he is really pleased with everything. I am so happy I can hardly contain myself!
I am still worried about my cough because when I cough, everything contracts down there. I feel great. I've felt a few uterine contractions, but really light and quick, nothing painful at all. Bedrest will be pretty annoying the next couple days, but I'd do anything for those little babes in there.
So, they came in and rolled me back. It is really cold back there, apparently embryos don't like the heat or the light. So on top of being cold, I was so shaky! They put this camera on the embryos that showed up in the room and instantly, everybody was like, "wow, those look great!" From the time they took the picture (about 30 minutes), to then, the A/C embryo went to an A/B! How crazy! Well, 5 minutes later, it was done! No pain, not even from the stitch they had to put in. Dr. said he thought we would have a harder time but it went great. He said he can't make any promises, but all the controllable factors were perfect. He said he is really pleased with everything. I am so happy I can hardly contain myself!
I am still worried about my cough because when I cough, everything contracts down there. I feel great. I've felt a few uterine contractions, but really light and quick, nothing painful at all. Bedrest will be pretty annoying the next couple days, but I'd do anything for those little babes in there.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Day 4.5
I can't believe it! In 13 hours, I will be in the stirrups getting impregnated. Haha. It sounds funny to say just like that. Here's a brief overview of the last few days.
Day 1: The day after the retrieval, the embryologist called and said that 18 of the eggs were big enough for ICSI. I have to think that 10 were wasted, but they said that 18 was an excellent number. He said that of the 18,, 15 were fertilized. Wahoo!
I also emailed the Meals on Wheels volunteer coordinator to tell her I wouldn't be able to deliver this next Thursday because I was doing IVF. She emailed me back and is in her second round of IVF and had a positive beta test! We went back and forth a few times. Sometimes, it is just good to know you are not alone. She was so sweet and emailed me Monday asking how the retrieval went. Turns out, she even heads up an infertility support group and even goes to the same clinic as me (with the other doctor)! What a small world.
I had started this annoying cough the day before and every time I coughed, I could feel the pain in my lower abdomen. Hopefully it will go away soon.
Day 2: They said I should be feeling pretty sick on this day but I was actually fine. I had been drinking tons of water and gatorade and felt pretty good. My belly was pretty swollen, though and the bloating was obvious. I had been going crazy just hanging out at home so we went to my parents' and hung out there.
We also started the progesterone shots this day in my him. Those shots suck and I am still sore!
Day 3: I turned 26! It was a crappy birthday, though. First of all, I had to have my annual cry that I am 26 with no children, but I was also feeling really sick. The nausea had hit me and although I dry-heaved a few times, I only threw up once. My cough had also worsened. I got all doped up on robitussin and rested most of the day. Swelling had gone down a little bit, but I still had the bloated feeling
Day 4 (today): I woke up this morning feeling AWFUL. My throat hurt, my chest hurt, and I coughed up a lung. I called my RE (I don't know why I hadn't done that earlier)and they called in some prescriptions for me. One is this cough syrup that has hydrocodone in it. Then they gave me these "pearls" that I swallow and they numb my throat. LOVE those. They also said to take some Mucinex to breakup the congestion in my chest. I feel better than earlier, but still not 100%. They said I can continue to take the stuff the next few days and they are safe during pregnancy-who knew?! I hope I'm better for tomorrow so my body isn't trying to fight some virus while I am trying to get pregnant.
Tonight, we cleaned the house, D went grocery shopping, and I'm trying to relax and be ready for tomorrow. The swelling has totally gone down now and I'm feeling much better down there.
I'm nervous, excited, and a little more calm that I would have thought. Maybe that's just due to the hydrocodone, though :)
Day 1: The day after the retrieval, the embryologist called and said that 18 of the eggs were big enough for ICSI. I have to think that 10 were wasted, but they said that 18 was an excellent number. He said that of the 18,, 15 were fertilized. Wahoo!
I also emailed the Meals on Wheels volunteer coordinator to tell her I wouldn't be able to deliver this next Thursday because I was doing IVF. She emailed me back and is in her second round of IVF and had a positive beta test! We went back and forth a few times. Sometimes, it is just good to know you are not alone. She was so sweet and emailed me Monday asking how the retrieval went. Turns out, she even heads up an infertility support group and even goes to the same clinic as me (with the other doctor)! What a small world.
I had started this annoying cough the day before and every time I coughed, I could feel the pain in my lower abdomen. Hopefully it will go away soon.
Day 2: They said I should be feeling pretty sick on this day but I was actually fine. I had been drinking tons of water and gatorade and felt pretty good. My belly was pretty swollen, though and the bloating was obvious. I had been going crazy just hanging out at home so we went to my parents' and hung out there.
We also started the progesterone shots this day in my him. Those shots suck and I am still sore!
Day 3: I turned 26! It was a crappy birthday, though. First of all, I had to have my annual cry that I am 26 with no children, but I was also feeling really sick. The nausea had hit me and although I dry-heaved a few times, I only threw up once. My cough had also worsened. I got all doped up on robitussin and rested most of the day. Swelling had gone down a little bit, but I still had the bloated feeling
Day 4 (today): I woke up this morning feeling AWFUL. My throat hurt, my chest hurt, and I coughed up a lung. I called my RE (I don't know why I hadn't done that earlier)and they called in some prescriptions for me. One is this cough syrup that has hydrocodone in it. Then they gave me these "pearls" that I swallow and they numb my throat. LOVE those. They also said to take some Mucinex to breakup the congestion in my chest. I feel better than earlier, but still not 100%. They said I can continue to take the stuff the next few days and they are safe during pregnancy-who knew?! I hope I'm better for tomorrow so my body isn't trying to fight some virus while I am trying to get pregnant.
Tonight, we cleaned the house, D went grocery shopping, and I'm trying to relax and be ready for tomorrow. The swelling has totally gone down now and I'm feeling much better down there.
I'm nervous, excited, and a little more calm that I would have thought. Maybe that's just due to the hydrocodone, though :)
Friday, July 22, 2011
Day Zero
So here's the story. Two days ago, D gave me the trigger shot in my hip. Thanks to the great advise of his cousin's wife, I iced it beforehand. When he put it in, I felt the smallest prick and thought he hadn't done it yet. He said he already had and was already putting in the medicine. I really didn't even feel a thing. YAY!
Yesterday, I was feeling a little dizzy/nauseous all day. It wasn't really bad, just bad enough to be really annoying because I couldn't really do much without feeling like a poopstain. To top it off, I started this annoying cough that still hasn't ceased. I got this really nice message from the anesthesiologist on Thursday night reminding me not to eat or drink anything and he looked forward to meeting me in the morning. How nice is that? I went to bed last night but couldn't sleep at all. I think I fell asleep around 5 for about an hour or two but that's it. Luckily, I knew I would be sleeping the next day so I wasn't too worried about it.
6:45 rolls around this morning and D was already in the shower. I got up, brushed my teeth, and put on a t-shirt and drawstring pants and was ready to go. It only takes about 30 minutes to get to the office, but we got there in record time today, only 20 minutes. We checked in and walked back to the room. My doctor's office is pretty sweet. One part is the regular office and the other part is its own lab/"operating" room. I'd never been to the Lab part before, so I was surprised about how hospital-y it looked. I had put my gown on and they hooked up the IV. The nurse told me there were 4 retrievals that morning and I would be #3. I settled in and watched some morning TV (which generally sucks by the way). just about 35 minutes later, my Dr. came in and told me it was my turn! I kissed my sweet husband and was off. I got to the operating room and moved to the other bed. The anesthesiologist said he was giving me something to relax me. I felt woozy right away and I was gone. Next thing I know I am waking up in room #4 again. My parents were there the whole time and came back with D once I got there. I vaguely remember them coming in. What I do remember was my Dr. coming in. I asked him how many eggs we got and he said 28!!! Holy cow, I'm an egg-making queen!
Apparently, I kept asking D the same questions over and over. I kept asking if my parents came in and how many eggs I had. Every time he told me 28, I started crying. He said I did that about 6 or 7 times. Last night I read this story so I guess it was on my mind. When the nurse came in, I asked, "I didn't tell you about deviled eggs did I?" She laughed a little and looked at D who tried to briefly explain. Luckily, I hadn't...until then. She asked my pain level and I said 5 so she gave me some meds and the next time she asked, I told her 1.75. I just wanted to keep sleeping, but I was waking up and we were ready to go home. My parents were already back here and I went straight to bed.
I have felt a little dizzy all day but generally pretty good. They prescribed some vicodin which we picked up but I haven't needed it yet. After dinner (around 7 or so) I really started feeling great. I still have that annoying cough and every time I cough, I feel it by my ovaries, but other than that I feel fine! My Dr. said to be careful since they got so many that I would be pretty sick by Sunday so we will see. I am spotting very lightly but they said that is normal. I feel great and happy and excited. I find out tomorrow how many fertilized!
They said today is day zero so the transfer will be Wednesday. Wahoo!
Yesterday, I was feeling a little dizzy/nauseous all day. It wasn't really bad, just bad enough to be really annoying because I couldn't really do much without feeling like a poopstain. To top it off, I started this annoying cough that still hasn't ceased. I got this really nice message from the anesthesiologist on Thursday night reminding me not to eat or drink anything and he looked forward to meeting me in the morning. How nice is that? I went to bed last night but couldn't sleep at all. I think I fell asleep around 5 for about an hour or two but that's it. Luckily, I knew I would be sleeping the next day so I wasn't too worried about it.
6:45 rolls around this morning and D was already in the shower. I got up, brushed my teeth, and put on a t-shirt and drawstring pants and was ready to go. It only takes about 30 minutes to get to the office, but we got there in record time today, only 20 minutes. We checked in and walked back to the room. My doctor's office is pretty sweet. One part is the regular office and the other part is its own lab/"operating" room. I'd never been to the Lab part before, so I was surprised about how hospital-y it looked. I had put my gown on and they hooked up the IV. The nurse told me there were 4 retrievals that morning and I would be #3. I settled in and watched some morning TV (which generally sucks by the way). just about 35 minutes later, my Dr. came in and told me it was my turn! I kissed my sweet husband and was off. I got to the operating room and moved to the other bed. The anesthesiologist said he was giving me something to relax me. I felt woozy right away and I was gone. Next thing I know I am waking up in room #4 again. My parents were there the whole time and came back with D once I got there. I vaguely remember them coming in. What I do remember was my Dr. coming in. I asked him how many eggs we got and he said 28!!! Holy cow, I'm an egg-making queen!
Apparently, I kept asking D the same questions over and over. I kept asking if my parents came in and how many eggs I had. Every time he told me 28, I started crying. He said I did that about 6 or 7 times. Last night I read this story so I guess it was on my mind. When the nurse came in, I asked, "I didn't tell you about deviled eggs did I?" She laughed a little and looked at D who tried to briefly explain. Luckily, I hadn't...until then. She asked my pain level and I said 5 so she gave me some meds and the next time she asked, I told her 1.75. I just wanted to keep sleeping, but I was waking up and we were ready to go home. My parents were already back here and I went straight to bed.
I have felt a little dizzy all day but generally pretty good. They prescribed some vicodin which we picked up but I haven't needed it yet. After dinner (around 7 or so) I really started feeling great. I still have that annoying cough and every time I cough, I feel it by my ovaries, but other than that I feel fine! My Dr. said to be careful since they got so many that I would be pretty sick by Sunday so we will see. I am spotting very lightly but they said that is normal. I feel great and happy and excited. I find out tomorrow how many fertilized!
They said today is day zero so the transfer will be Wednesday. Wahoo!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the retrieval! I can't believe it. I'm so freakin' nervous and excited! I have a feeling that things will go well. My family came over tonight despite the fact that it is my parents' 27th anniversary. We hung out and talked about the upcoming week and my husband, dad, and brother gave me a priesthood blessing. I felt such a peace afterward and I am so glad I have such a wonderful family. We will see what tomorrow holds!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
IVF Update 2 & 3
I went in for my second sono/blood work on Friday. I had more follicles and they were growing at a rate of about 2 mm/day which is right on track! They kept my meds the same for that night at 225. I went in again Saturday morning and they had grown 3 mm literally over night! I had been having some sharp pains on my left side and luckily my husband was there and he asked if that was normal. The said it was normal especially since I had been growing so fast. I forget how many follicles I have now but it is over 20 which is just crazy to me. I mean, as I sit here right this minute, they are getting bigger! Weird. My Dr. was actually there on Saturday an I hadn't seen him in a while so it was good to follow up with him. He said I am progressing beautifully but he didn't want me to have too many follicles so he cut my meds back down to 150. No problem! He then said I'll go in again Monday and Wednesday. If I'm ready Wednesday, I'll take the trigger shot that night and the retrieval will be Friday! So crazy. I honestly can't believe we are doing this.
I've been feeling better lately. I'm not AS envious of the preggos walking around. I can look at other babies and not want to cry. For some reason, I really think the Lord has blessed me with some hope and happiness. I feel good and calm and optimistic. Everything else that we've done (the 4 IUIs), I have always felt something inside telling me that it won't work. This is the first time I don't feel that but I'm scared to get too excited. It's really a weird feeling, but I'm just trying to do the best I can.
I've been feeling better lately. I'm not AS envious of the preggos walking around. I can look at other babies and not want to cry. For some reason, I really think the Lord has blessed me with some hope and happiness. I feel good and calm and optimistic. Everything else that we've done (the 4 IUIs), I have always felt something inside telling me that it won't work. This is the first time I don't feel that but I'm scared to get too excited. It's really a weird feeling, but I'm just trying to do the best I can.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
IVF Update
Today was the first sonogram since I started the Gonal-F. I had 12 follicles in my right ovary and 6 in my left. They were all little guys with the largest being 6.5 cm but they said it looked great! The sonographer always says that my left ovary sits really far to the left so I always have to press really hard and hold my breath when she looks for it. It is not really fun and since I am pressing down where I have been giving myself shots, it was extra uncomfortable today. I just keep telling myself, "This is for you, Baby" haha. I know it sounds stupid, but I think it helps. They did some blood work and called back today and said to keep doing the 225 ml. I did 300 Sunday and Monday and 225 starting yesterday. I go in again on Friday and they will see how quickly they follicles are growing. I am on day 4 of the cycle (I started the stimulation meds on Sunday) and they said the retrieval is usually between days 9-13. That means it could be as early as Monday but probably later next week! It all depends on how I react to the medicines. I'm not feeling any side effects from the medication except for some hot flashes and headaches. The hot flashes are usually pretty fast but the headaches can last for hours. Other than that, I'm pretty lucky.
We asked them when we bring in D's sample and they said he collects while I am in the retrieval! What a crazy time but that is when it has to be done. This is so nerve wracking, I'm sure especially for him but we're just trying to stay positive.
I just have to say how much I love my fertility clinic. I always have the same sonographer, there are 3 nurses that I deal with and they all know exactly what is going on and what to do. My doctor is so knowledgeable and understanding. I feel so comfortable when I am there.
For some reason, I always cry as we are leaving the clinic. I think it is because I really can't believe that I am going through this. I can't believe that I am doing IVF! It's just crazy to me but it will hopefully all be worth it.
We asked them when we bring in D's sample and they said he collects while I am in the retrieval! What a crazy time but that is when it has to be done. This is so nerve wracking, I'm sure especially for him but we're just trying to stay positive.
I just have to say how much I love my fertility clinic. I always have the same sonographer, there are 3 nurses that I deal with and they all know exactly what is going on and what to do. My doctor is so knowledgeable and understanding. I feel so comfortable when I am there.
For some reason, I always cry as we are leaving the clinic. I think it is because I really can't believe that I am going through this. I can't believe that I am doing IVF! It's just crazy to me but it will hopefully all be worth it.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Announcements
4 more. 3 more people I know are pregnant. Here's how it went down in order from worst to best.
#1: I found out one girl is pregnant because she posted her ultrasound picture on FB. I will never do that. She doesn't know about us trying IVF.
#2: Somebody else told me she was on bedrest for a little bit because she was pregnant. She is the smallest person I know so when I saw her yesterday, she already had an obvious belly. She hid it behind some loose clothing for the last few months and is due in December. She didn't make some huge announcement and just waited for people to come up to her. It was nice because I could process it then make a comment when I was ready. She doesn't know about us trying IVF.
#3: I get a text saying "I have really been praying for you and hope IVF works for you. We found out that we are pregnant and I just wanted to tell you. I would love to have kids around the same time as you." I really appreciated her telling me this way. I didn't have to hide the tears in my eyes. I didn't have to find out (like everybody else) on facebook. I didn't have to pretend I was happy on the phone. I cried, then I texted her back and thanked her and told her I was happy for her. And I am because they have the cutest little girls and they love me :)
#4: I have a dear friend who has bee the one to help me through my TTC journey since day 1. She struggled for 4 years before she was able to adopt the cutest little boy I've ever seen. 3 months later, she had her own little girl! She came over on the 4th of July for some BBQ. Her kids are just over a year old now and we were hanging out and I asked her if they were considering having another one. Usually, I don't ask people that knowing how I've struggled, but her and I can talk really openly about ttc. She told me she wanted to tell me that they just found out they are expecting! She found out last week and has only told her family. I guess it just happened (she has PCOS) naturally. Tears welled up in my eyes, not because I was sad that it wasn't me, but because I was truly happy for her. For some reason, I don't get hurt/sad/upset when I find out that somebody who has struggled with IF becomes pregnant. I'm not really sure why and I don't know if I'll ever get over that. I am just so excited for her and can't wait to see her new little one. She'll have 3 kids under 2!
#1: I found out one girl is pregnant because she posted her ultrasound picture on FB. I will never do that. She doesn't know about us trying IVF.
#2: Somebody else told me she was on bedrest for a little bit because she was pregnant. She is the smallest person I know so when I saw her yesterday, she already had an obvious belly. She hid it behind some loose clothing for the last few months and is due in December. She didn't make some huge announcement and just waited for people to come up to her. It was nice because I could process it then make a comment when I was ready. She doesn't know about us trying IVF.
#3: I get a text saying "I have really been praying for you and hope IVF works for you. We found out that we are pregnant and I just wanted to tell you. I would love to have kids around the same time as you." I really appreciated her telling me this way. I didn't have to hide the tears in my eyes. I didn't have to find out (like everybody else) on facebook. I didn't have to pretend I was happy on the phone. I cried, then I texted her back and thanked her and told her I was happy for her. And I am because they have the cutest little girls and they love me :)
#4: I have a dear friend who has bee the one to help me through my TTC journey since day 1. She struggled for 4 years before she was able to adopt the cutest little boy I've ever seen. 3 months later, she had her own little girl! She came over on the 4th of July for some BBQ. Her kids are just over a year old now and we were hanging out and I asked her if they were considering having another one. Usually, I don't ask people that knowing how I've struggled, but her and I can talk really openly about ttc. She told me she wanted to tell me that they just found out they are expecting! She found out last week and has only told her family. I guess it just happened (she has PCOS) naturally. Tears welled up in my eyes, not because I was sad that it wasn't me, but because I was truly happy for her. For some reason, I don't get hurt/sad/upset when I find out that somebody who has struggled with IF becomes pregnant. I'm not really sure why and I don't know if I'll ever get over that. I am just so excited for her and can't wait to see her new little one. She'll have 3 kids under 2!
IVF Update
I have tons to catch up on so I'll be doing a string of posts. The Lupron is going ok. I forgot the first day but I took it that night then again the next morning. That day, I got some hot flashes and got really dizzy but I've been fine since then. For some reason the shots hurt more than the gonal-f. I don't know if it's because there's maybe more medicine I'm putting in or if the needle is bigger, but I ahve to pause halfway through because it hurts. Then, it's read around the area and uncomfortable for about an hour then I'm fine. My last day of birth control was Saturday and I just started my period today (Wednesday). It was kind of nice, though since Monday was the 4th of July and I spent the majority of the day outside so I'm glad I didn't have to deal with day one then. Yesterday, we went to a water park so that was nice as well. I called the doctor's office this morning. I love the office staff. The nurses are so nice and knowledgeable. I start gonal-f on Sunday and take that for 3 days (300, 300, 225 ml). Then I have an appointment Wednesday for a sono and blood work. Then I'll go in every couple days to see when I'll be ready for the trigger shot. It is weird that we are actually in this for real. It is crazy to me that my life has led me here but I'm excited and really nervous at the same time.
So how am I dealing with it? Well, I was watching Marley & Me the other day while cooking dinner. I have this awesome thing where I don't remember movies after seeing them for some reason. It's great because I can watch them over and over and not really remember what happens next! I know (Spoiler Alert!) that the dog dies at the end but that's it. Well, there is this scene where she tells her husband that she's pregnant. Little tears well up in my eyes but I hold them back. Then, they go to the doctor for their first sono and they find out she lost the baby. BIG tears now. Right then, D walks in the door and sees my and asks what's wrong. I started bawling. What if that happens to me? I had not really thought of the possibility before. I've thought what it might be like if the IVF doesn't work, but what if it does only for me to miscarry? What if we go through all of this, get all excited at a BFP and then it is all ripped from my hands? I don't think I could handle that.
IVF is constantly on my mind. I used to really like the song Stronger by Sara Evans. One day, I was thinking about this whole TTC journey and the song came on. I think I have become stronger but not I can't listen to the song. I know it's about a breakup but I always think of my IF struggle. I just keep telling myself it will all be over-for better or worse-in about a month.
So how am I dealing with it? Well, I was watching Marley & Me the other day while cooking dinner. I have this awesome thing where I don't remember movies after seeing them for some reason. It's great because I can watch them over and over and not really remember what happens next! I know (Spoiler Alert!) that the dog dies at the end but that's it. Well, there is this scene where she tells her husband that she's pregnant. Little tears well up in my eyes but I hold them back. Then, they go to the doctor for their first sono and they find out she lost the baby. BIG tears now. Right then, D walks in the door and sees my and asks what's wrong. I started bawling. What if that happens to me? I had not really thought of the possibility before. I've thought what it might be like if the IVF doesn't work, but what if it does only for me to miscarry? What if we go through all of this, get all excited at a BFP and then it is all ripped from my hands? I don't think I could handle that.
IVF is constantly on my mind. I used to really like the song Stronger by Sara Evans. One day, I was thinking about this whole TTC journey and the song came on. I think I have become stronger but not I can't listen to the song. I know it's about a breakup but I always think of my IF struggle. I just keep telling myself it will all be over-for better or worse-in about a month.
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