Infertile Mother

Infertility is a weird thing. Just because you get pregnant or have a baby, it does not mean you have graduated. I feel really lucky to have some amazing friends. When I was pregnant, quite a few of my friends were pregnant and we all had babies around the same time. Those ladies were/are a great support system for be because let's be honest- being pregnant and having a baby is hard. For some of us, getting pregnant is even harder. Lately, I have been obsessing thinking about babies.Thanks to breastfeeding, I have only had my period twice since getting pregnant so TTC wasn't really much of an option until recently. Some of my friends who had babies right around when I had DS are already pregnant again! And not newly pregnant, out of the first trimester pregnant. So all of these announcements (thanks, Facebook) have really gotten me thinking about when will be the right time for us to start TTC. There were two FB announcements today and I just started having anxiety. I had to go into an empty room and call my husband because I was really freaking out. I know it sounds so lame but the thought of going through all the emotional and physical pain I went through to get pregnant the first time really scares me.
If I knew that we could get pregnant easy peasy, I don't think I'd even be ready  to start TTC again. But guess what, it isn't.  Of course I look at my little boy and think "Oh, he's so cute, I want more" but I feel like I'm just settling into my life. In  3 months (November-January), we sold our house, moved 30 minutes away to an apartment, bought and moved into an amazing house. I LOVE my new house and community. We are unpacked and I am finally in a routine. I take DS to the park and story time, I go to yoga, I started "running" (I use the term very loosely) and even signed up for a 5k in May. I fit into all of my clothes. My life is really great right now but the stress that comes with trying to get pregnant sometimes consumes me. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who helps me through these hard times. He explained that the Atonement is not a one time event. That we can use it and lean on the Savior over and over again.
Today, I just felt lonely. I felt like I can't complain since I have a beautiful baby boy and like nobody understands but my husband reminded me that the Savior does. He can help me.
Now, if anybody even reads this blog I would like to say a word regarding this post. If you have never struggled with infertility, I might sound like a whiner. Yes, I do have a baby but that does not mean that my desire for another baby is gone. Just because I have a baby does not mean that my family is complete. And just because I have a baby does not mean that I don't think about IF every day.
At yoga tonight, I realized that I just need to be happy now. I am going to enjoy my time of going to the gym, spending quality time with my son, spending time with my husband, and becoming a better me. One day, the kids will come.
One day.