Just what I needed to hear

So this past weekend was General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. According to lds.org, General Conference is defined as, "a semiannual gathering of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. During general conference weekend, Church members and others who are interested gather worldwide in a series of two-hour sessions to receive inspiration and instruction from Church leaders."
On Saturday morning we watched the speakers at our house (with homemade pumpkin bread, might I add). That afternoon, we went to my parents house to watch it there. A talk was given that touched my heart. He talked about the importance of children and not putting off having kids. Similar talks have been given but his took a turn when he said:

The bearing of children can also be a heartbreaking subject for righteous couples who marry and find that they are unable to have the children they so anxiously anticipated or for a husband and wife who plan on having a large family but are blessed with a smaller family.

We cannot always explain the difficulties of our mortality. Sometimes life seems very unfair—especially when our greatest desire is to do exactly what the Lord has commanded. As the Lord’s servant, I assure you that this promise is certain: “Faithful members whose circumstances do not allow them to receive the blessings of eternal marriage and parenthood in this life will receive all promised blessings in the eternities, [as] they keep the covenants they have made with God.”

I couldn't hold back the tears.
Growing up in the church, we are taught the importance of families and children from the time we are little. I have taught the youth of the church for the last 3-4 years and I have, at times, felt like a hypocrite. I always wanted children, but I wasn't having any and there I was teaching them that their greatest callings would be to become mothers one day. Would I ever be a mother? What kind of example was that? When we got married, the question always came, "when are you going to start having kids?" That is one of the most hurtful things you could say to somebody who wants kids but can't have them. First of all, it's none of your business. Secondly, I want to start now but the Lord has a different plan for me.
There have been so many times that I have been in the darkest of moments and have questioned whether or not God wanted me to be a mother. I wondered if He heard my prayers. I wondered if He forgot about me. I was asking for something righteous but the prayers still went unanswered. Once Elder Anderson said this, I realized that He does know me and love me. He obviously thought I was strong enough to go through this trial so it was up to me to step up and do the best I could.
I realized how lucky we really are to be having a child. I know that our journey with fertility is probably not over. We do want more children but it could take us another 3 years to get to that point. Since there hasn't been any real diagnosis, we are not sure what the future holds, but I know that I can do it. I know that the Lord trusts me with this mortal trial. My heart goes out to those out there who are still trying to become parents. I know it is hard, but the Lord has promised us that we can receive all the promised blessings in the eternities.

I have never heard a talk given at Conference that regarded infertility but I am so glad that we are led by divine inspiration for trials that are current. I know that God loves each of His children, even me. I know that He hears my prayers, even though sometimes it feels like I'm alone. I don't know why I am blessed enough to have a child now, but I am so humbly grateful to be given this opportunity.

Rock Star Momma

So I bought this cute book the other day called Rock Star Momma. I've been reading it and while I don't necessarily agree with everything she says, I do love the idea of looking great and therefore feeling great. In the book she said that now that you are expecting, you need to have a new mantra, "Embrace the new you". I have to admit that I've had a hard time lately dealing with the fact that I am now pregnant. After trying to get pregnant for so long, it is a weird change to all of the sudden be pregnant. My mind had to suddenly shift and it has taken some getting used to. I know that it sounds vain, but I have been freaking out a little bit knowing that my body is going to change forever. I hear it all the time from other moms that their bodies will never be the same again. I have noticed that my body is going through some weird changes right now although I'm still missing that pregnant belly. But, once I read the new mantra, I decided to embrace the new me. No more worrying about what may happen. I am going to embrace the new me. I am going to take everything about pregnancy and love it.
I have been struggling with the idea of completely changing my identity. Up until this point, I have been a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a student, a business owner and a bunch of other things-but never a mother. I know that being a mother is the highest and greatest calling a woman can have but is it going to change who I am? I'm sure I will change but I think I can also still be me. I probably sound like a crazy woman and most people out there who get pregnant never think about this stuff, but I'm a little nuts I guess. Again, I am going to embrace the new me.

Coach, Michael Kors, Louis Vuitton

My purse has totally gotten a makeover the last couple of months. First of all, there's no need anymore for those pesky tampons or liners (WAHOO!). On the other hand, I've had to add quite a few things to my purse and it now looks like the inside of a CVS. Zofran-don't leave home without it. My morning sickness is so random and never happens at the same time so I have to carry it with me all the time. Along the same lines, my purse is now always stocked with some kind of snack. Usually crackers (today it's a gluten free brownie-yum) or something to hold me over so I don't die of starvation while I'm out. Instead of carrying Aleve, I now carry Tylenol. Apparently that's the only pain medicine that pregnant people can take so that's in my purse now too. And as of today, I added Tums. Yes, I've started the heartburn stage. I remember taking Tums when I was younger and hating the chalky nasty taste. Today, I bought the mixed berry flavor and they actually taste pretty good! No wonder I see pregnant women chomping on those things like they're going out of style.
This whole pregnancy thing is so crazy. My body is going through all these changes that I can't really describe but I'm trying to keep up. Luckily, I have the help of some medications.

The entire story

Well, now that we are coming out of the infertility/pregnancy closet, I think it's about time to write our entire story. We got married in June 2006 and I hadn't really thought about when I would want to have kids. I figured I would know when the right time came.
Fast forward a couple years later, and I was "ready" to start trying. I didn't really know what to expect. I didn't expect to get pregnant the first month or anything and we were pretty relaxed about it. After about a year, I started to worry a little bit but thought that since I was so young (23 at the time) that I should give it a little more time. Then, I was in my last semesters of school and we were starting a business, so we decided to wait it out for a little longer. After trying to conceive for 2 years, we went to the doctor. We didn't have any insurance and the cheapest/easiest way to start the entire process was to get D tested. His test results came out normal. This was great news, but to me, that meant that something was wrong with me. I made excuses about going to the doctor (let's wait until the summer is over, it is expensive, we don't have any insurance, etc.) because I was scared. I was scared that I would go and they would tell me something was wrong and I could never have a kid.
After talking to our wonderful Bishop, he convinced me that it would be better to know than to have the worst-case-scenario running through my head all day. So, we made an appointment with my Ob/Gyn. We went and did some simple tests, and they all came back normal. We had decided to do an un-medicated IUI. This was in September 2010. That IUI failed. The next month, we decided to do another IUI with clomid. That failed. IUIs were really stressful and emotional. It was really the first infertility treatment that we did so that was nerve-wracking. We decided to take a little time off so we could actually enjoy our holidays.
During that time, my dad got a letter from his work stating that thanks to Obama, my dad's kids could be on his healthcare plan starting January 1st until we turned 26. What great news!!! The bad news was that I turned 26 July 25th which gave us less than 8 months. Well, we another visit with the Ob/Gyn and we decided to move a little more quickly and go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Since we only had a limited amount of time with insurance, we wanted to make the best of it. She referred us to an awesome doctor in Frisco. It took about a month to have a meeting with him which put us at the end of January giving us only 7 months.
We did a bunch of tests for about a month and everything came back normal. We did another IUI with Gonal-F injectables. Fail. We tried it one more time. Fail.
Then, was the next major choice. We decided to move forward with IVF (read about it here). IVF was a long, hard process but 100% worth it. We are now on our way to becoming first time parents thanks to modern day science and countless prayers.

This has been the hardest trial of my life and it cannot really be put into words here on a blog. Although it has been really hard, I have learned a lot and grown a lot. I feel like this entire thing has really made me stronger. I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father. I have learned how to really use the Atonement in my life. My relationship with my husband has been strengthened. I think I have become more empathetic. I realize now that so many people are out there silently struggling with their own problems. I have also come to realize that we are so blessed. Now that we are finally expecting a little one of our own, I am so excited to love them. We are so blessed to be trusted with one of the Lord's special spirits here on this earth.

11 weeks 6 days

I haven't written in a long time, mostly because I haven't had anything new to report. I've still been sick, nausea, vomiting, eating like crazy, etc.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about everything: pregnancy, becoming a mom, that little person growing inside of me.
I have been noticing my body changing lately. I went to the doctor today and have gained 3 pounds! I know that is not a ton, but I now officially am the heaviest I've ever been. My pants still fit fine, but I have noticed a little "pooch" when I wear certain shirts. In fact, last night was the first night D noticed my belly. It was after I had eaten, so it was sticking out but still. Then, I just keep forgetting everything! Pregnant people always blame things on "pregnancy brain" and now I completely understand! I totally forget stuff all the time. I have so many things on my mind and everything else just falls by the wayside.
I've also thought about this little person inside of me. Sometimes it doesn't feel real yet, but I can't help but think about what he/she will look like, or what hobbies they will have, or what characteristics of ours they will get.
We heard the heartbeat for the first time yesterday. It was kind of weird to realize that there are 2 hearts inside of me! It was really cool to hear, though. It was going at a steady 161 beats per minute. It is nice to know that everything I have been feeling/going through is actually for something real!
Then, I started thinking that this is real! I am going to be a mom! I really hope that I'm a good mom. It is really intimidating to think that somebody's life will quite literally be in my hands.
Well, I'm coming out of the pregnancy/infertility closet tomorrow. I'm really excited to share our good news with everybody but I feel like it makes this whole thing real. We tried for more than three years to share this news. I have always thought about how I would tell my friends/family that we are expecting, and now we are doing it! It is a weird shift in the mentality of dealing with infertility and trying to conceive to being pregnant. I have waited for this all my life and while it is exciting, it is a little scary for me. I guess we'll see how it goes.

No more progesterone!

Tuesday was my last progesterone shot!!! YAY! I'm so glad I'm done with all the shots! I'm hoping that I will start to feel a little bit better now that I won't be pumping more hormones into my body. I just want to get this first trimester done with so I can start to tell people, get a little belly, and hopefully feel better.

8 weeks

Well "morning" sickness is more like all day sickness. I sleep in, and lay either on the couch or in bed for most of the day. I don't want to complain, but I'm miserable! I can't even clean my house or make dinner. Meat just grosses me out and any little smell makes me gag. I am usually a very productive person, but lately I just can't find the energy to do anything. I think it's really getting to me because I get really sad sometimes like I'm this failure. There are tons of other pregnant women out there who are working or raising other kids and I'm laid up here in bed. It's awful. Luckily, it is cooling down here (90's instead of 100 degree temperatures) so we are making a point to go to a local park an walk our little pooch.
There's not much to report besides that. I just keep telling myself that the sickness means the baby is growing. Hopefully this will pass soon.