I am a very religious person and believe in the leaders of my church. We believe in a prophet who can still receive revelation for the world today. I have been noticing lately that the issue of infertility has been coming up more and more. I don't know if I am just more aware when they speak of IF or if it is just becoming a more relevant issue. I wrote a post last October and December about our church leaders talking about IF.
I recently got our monthly church publication and found yet another article about IF titled My Search for Motherhood. It is a sweet story about a woman who struggled her entire life with never having children of her own but searched for opportunities to have what she calls "alternate opportunities for motherhood". I don't think that I ever got to that point in my personal journey, but I started to realize that the Lord has put children in my life so that I may try to develop motherly attributes.
For example, since being married I have spent a few years serving children in church. I was a teacher for the 3-4 year old children for a couple of years. During that time, I learned the innocence of children and their unconditional love for others. I also learned that they are so much smarter than I had originally given them credit for. I saw the children grow because of the influence of their parents. I loved teaching the young kids stories from the scriptures only to find out they already know those stories.
I have also had the opportunity to serve the youth of the church in many capacities. I was a leader over 12-13 year old girls as well as 14-15 year old girls. Their strength, faith, and testimonies are so strong even though the world can be so hard. They have such bright futures ahead of them and it was exciting to see them grow and accomplish their goals and dreams.
I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to be surrounded by children even though I haven't had any of my own. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me enough to put me in those positions to soften my heart and help me grow as a woman. Now that I am about to have one of my own (less than 3 weeks left!) I still feel completely unprepared to be a mother, but I know that with the help of the Lord I can do all things.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Sufficient Grace
I just came across this blog post and thought it was beautifully written. She is a lot more eloquent than I am when it comes to writing but her story is all too familiar.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The Truth About IVF
So SIF wrote this post about the truth of IVF. I read a couple responses from some other blogs (see here and here) and I thought I should share my own.
First of all, IVF is a very personal choice. I have heard mixed feelings on the subject. A lot of responses I have heard is that IVF is too invasive. Well, it is invasive! Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, it is invasive and uncomfortable. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The only thing harder was struggling with infertility and NOT doing anything about it. Luckily, I know that the Spirit can guide us in our decisions.
James 1:5 says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him as of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."
This teaches me that if I have a question, I can ask God and he will guide me to the right answer. That was exactly what we did when making the decision to move forward with IVF. We prayed our little hearts out asking for guidance. We didn't get some huge answer, but we did a lot of research and we both felt good about doing IVF so we decided to move forward. The entire process took a few months but it was worth every second. I'm sure I would feel different if it didn't work out for us, but it did! While I understand that this is a personal decision for everybody, this is what worked for us. I don't mean it worked because we got pregnant. It worked because we felt like this is the path that our Heavenly Father would have us take to get closer to having our family. I feel like as long as you do everything that you can to have your little ones come to you (whether that is IVF, adoption, and everything in between), they are supposed to be the ones coming to you.
When deciding which path to take to have your own family, make God part of that decision. Ultimately, He is the only one who knows what you are going through and how it ends. He loves His children and wants them to be happy.
First of all, IVF is a very personal choice. I have heard mixed feelings on the subject. A lot of responses I have heard is that IVF is too invasive. Well, it is invasive! Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, it is invasive and uncomfortable. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The only thing harder was struggling with infertility and NOT doing anything about it. Luckily, I know that the Spirit can guide us in our decisions.
James 1:5 says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him as of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."
This teaches me that if I have a question, I can ask God and he will guide me to the right answer. That was exactly what we did when making the decision to move forward with IVF. We prayed our little hearts out asking for guidance. We didn't get some huge answer, but we did a lot of research and we both felt good about doing IVF so we decided to move forward. The entire process took a few months but it was worth every second. I'm sure I would feel different if it didn't work out for us, but it did! While I understand that this is a personal decision for everybody, this is what worked for us. I don't mean it worked because we got pregnant. It worked because we felt like this is the path that our Heavenly Father would have us take to get closer to having our family. I feel like as long as you do everything that you can to have your little ones come to you (whether that is IVF, adoption, and everything in between), they are supposed to be the ones coming to you.
When deciding which path to take to have your own family, make God part of that decision. Ultimately, He is the only one who knows what you are going through and how it ends. He loves His children and wants them to be happy.
Monday, February 6, 2012
IF
This past week I realized that infertility can really bring some people together. My husband and I own a pest control company and sometimes he has to go out and actually service the routes. This last week, he was servicing a customer and noticed the new nursery in the house. He started talking to the guy who lived there and it turns out his wife is due around the same time I am. Peter made some comment about how it took us a while to get pregnant and they started talking. It turns out this couple had struggled with infertility and did 4 IUIs. They finally got pregnant with their last one. D talked to him for quite a while about how hard it is to go through infertility. They talked about how it was hard to see their wives go through infertility. They talked about the stupid things people say to you when you are trying to get pregnant but can't.
What I love about the situation is how open they were with each other. According to D, they had a really good conversation. I love that when we are open with our struggle, we can become a little closer to other people. It's like this little family out there and we just need to open our mouths to connect with them.
What I love about the situation is how open they were with each other. According to D, they had a really good conversation. I love that when we are open with our struggle, we can become a little closer to other people. It's like this little family out there and we just need to open our mouths to connect with them.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
So lucky
So this blog that I follow is written by a girl who has unexplained infertility. She has been trying to get pregnant for 5 years. She had to travel to do a trial type of IVF and got pregnant! Well, she went to her 9 week appointment (her last appoint with her RE) and found out she miscarried. To make it worse, the baby was still in there and she had to have a D&C. It was her first ever pregnancy.
Even though I am pregnant, I still keep up with some blogs about other women who have struggled with the same thing I have. I feel like they have given me strength and although we have never met, I feel like I know/understand some of the deepest parts of them. As I was reading her journey through this, I found myself so excited for her good news and almost in tears when she found out she is no longer pregnant. I realized that I am so lucky/blessed/whatever you want to call it to be having a healthy pregnancy. To be honest, being pregnant is much harder than I had anticipated. It is draining physically, emotionally, financially, and physically (yes, I said that twice) but I would still rather feel like this than be going through the loss of a child. I cannot begin to understand why the Lord has chosen me to carry this little guy, but I thank Him constantly for the opportunity.
Even though I am pregnant, I still keep up with some blogs about other women who have struggled with the same thing I have. I feel like they have given me strength and although we have never met, I feel like I know/understand some of the deepest parts of them. As I was reading her journey through this, I found myself so excited for her good news and almost in tears when she found out she is no longer pregnant. I realized that I am so lucky/blessed/whatever you want to call it to be having a healthy pregnancy. To be honest, being pregnant is much harder than I had anticipated. It is draining physically, emotionally, financially, and physically (yes, I said that twice) but I would still rather feel like this than be going through the loss of a child. I cannot begin to understand why the Lord has chosen me to carry this little guy, but I thank Him constantly for the opportunity.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Oh the things people say
We went to visit D's family this last weekend in Wisconsin and flew home Monday. It was a nice visit although I realized that I am still not a kid person. I'm not always like, "look how cute" at every little thing they do. I don't want to help change diapers or always play games with them. I'm hoping that something inside of me will change when he is my own.
On another note, the plane ride Monday was a fiasco. I was sitting there and this girl behind me talked the entire time and she had the most annoying voice and Midwestern accent. Somehow she started telling the random guy next to her that she had a friend who got married when she was 19 and wanted to have kids right away. Well 3 years later they haven't been able to get pregnant and want to start fertility treatments. The girl behind me said, "So I was like, slow down! You are living life in the fast lane! You will get pregnant when you are supposed to get pregnant. If you do fertility treatments you'll have like 6 kids at once."
It took a lot for me to stay facing forward and not tell this girl how fertility treatments work. Or how hard it is to want for nothing more in life than to be pregnant and one day be a mother, but that isn't happening. It reminded me of that painful reminder I would get every month that felt like Mother Nature was laughing at me. I realized (again) that unless you go through IF, you have no clue what it's like. I think it is that way with most traumatic experiences. I know she wasn't trying to be mean or anything, but why is it any of her business how/when her young friend becomes a mother? I was 22 when we started ttc. It was the longest 3 years of my life but as I look down and feel him kick right now, I realize that it was all worth it. He is worth waiting for.
To add injury to insult, the plane ride sucked. It was supposed to be just over 2 hours and that turned into 3. There was a really bad storm in Dallas so when we were going down for the landing, it got really bumpy. So bumpy that my motion sickness combined with my morning sickness was not going to end well. I started feeling my mouth water which always happened when I would throw up earlier in the pregnancy. I hadn't thrown up in quite a while but I felt it coming. I got the doggie bag ready and barfed my brains out, in my seat for the entire plane to see/hear. I was mortified, so I started crying and I thought "I could die right here on this plane". Luckily I have the best husband in the world and he called the flight attendants over and asked for some water and napkins. The stupid guy brings a tiny cup of water and like 5 napkins and tries handing it to me while I'm still puking! Hello! Where do you expect me to put that? Idiot. So I finally finish the show and fold up the bag and D puts it on the floor by his feet. The people around me were so nice and gave me these disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer. The female flight attendant brought me a water bottle, a cold beer to put on the back of my neck and a couple plastic bags. Well, as D lifted the doggie bag to put into the plastic bag, it apparently had been leaking! It got all over him and the floor. It was so disgusting. So we were trying to clean up and I just felt horrible. I felt a little better but still sick, I was just embarrassed beyond belief (although playing the pregnancy card automatically makes people more compassionate to you), and then teh worst happened. Instead of landing, the airport closed so we had to circle around for 45 minutes before we could land again! My poor husband was sitting there in my vomit, quite literally for another hour. I can't believe he didn't puke himself because I would have.
It was quite the adventure and I am so glad to be home with my husband, my dog, and my baby.
On another note, the plane ride Monday was a fiasco. I was sitting there and this girl behind me talked the entire time and she had the most annoying voice and Midwestern accent. Somehow she started telling the random guy next to her that she had a friend who got married when she was 19 and wanted to have kids right away. Well 3 years later they haven't been able to get pregnant and want to start fertility treatments. The girl behind me said, "So I was like, slow down! You are living life in the fast lane! You will get pregnant when you are supposed to get pregnant. If you do fertility treatments you'll have like 6 kids at once."
It took a lot for me to stay facing forward and not tell this girl how fertility treatments work. Or how hard it is to want for nothing more in life than to be pregnant and one day be a mother, but that isn't happening. It reminded me of that painful reminder I would get every month that felt like Mother Nature was laughing at me. I realized (again) that unless you go through IF, you have no clue what it's like. I think it is that way with most traumatic experiences. I know she wasn't trying to be mean or anything, but why is it any of her business how/when her young friend becomes a mother? I was 22 when we started ttc. It was the longest 3 years of my life but as I look down and feel him kick right now, I realize that it was all worth it. He is worth waiting for.
To add injury to insult, the plane ride sucked. It was supposed to be just over 2 hours and that turned into 3. There was a really bad storm in Dallas so when we were going down for the landing, it got really bumpy. So bumpy that my motion sickness combined with my morning sickness was not going to end well. I started feeling my mouth water which always happened when I would throw up earlier in the pregnancy. I hadn't thrown up in quite a while but I felt it coming. I got the doggie bag ready and barfed my brains out, in my seat for the entire plane to see/hear. I was mortified, so I started crying and I thought "I could die right here on this plane". Luckily I have the best husband in the world and he called the flight attendants over and asked for some water and napkins. The stupid guy brings a tiny cup of water and like 5 napkins and tries handing it to me while I'm still puking! Hello! Where do you expect me to put that? Idiot. So I finally finish the show and fold up the bag and D puts it on the floor by his feet. The people around me were so nice and gave me these disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer. The female flight attendant brought me a water bottle, a cold beer to put on the back of my neck and a couple plastic bags. Well, as D lifted the doggie bag to put into the plastic bag, it apparently had been leaking! It got all over him and the floor. It was so disgusting. So we were trying to clean up and I just felt horrible. I felt a little better but still sick, I was just embarrassed beyond belief (although playing the pregnancy card automatically makes people more compassionate to you), and then teh worst happened. Instead of landing, the airport closed so we had to circle around for 45 minutes before we could land again! My poor husband was sitting there in my vomit, quite literally for another hour. I can't believe he didn't puke himself because I would have.
It was quite the adventure and I am so glad to be home with my husband, my dog, and my baby.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Pregnant and infertile
I have been thinking lately about this blog. Now that I am expecting, do I continue blogging about infertility? I don't want this blog to turn into a baby diary since I have a personal blog for that. I haven't been able to make a decision until a couple of days ago. I get the Ensign which is a monthly publication that is produced my my church. This month is basically a compilation of inspiring Christmas stories. D and I had decided to read a little scripture and story every night leading up to Christmas just to refocus us on why we celebrate this time of year. The first night, I picked a random story titled the Christmas I Remember Best. I really picked it because it is only one page. As I started reading, my heart began to pump a little harder because I was afraid it was going to talk about a woman who wanted children but couldn't have them. Well, it did. I couldn't even make it through the second paragraph because I started crying! I gave the magazine to mu husband and told him he had to read it because I wouldn't be able to get through it. He read most of the story until the last few paragraphs and the same thing happened to him. It was at that moment that I realized that he has been just as affected by this as I have. I realized that even though we are seeing our dream come true, we will always be affected by our struggle with infertility.
We finished the story but that was when I got my answer of how to proceed with this blog. I probably won't be writing in it as much as I had before, but I know that I will still struggle in the future. Blogging has really helped me deal with my thoughts and emotions and sort through them. I am sure there will be times when I am still hit with a hard day and those are the days that I need this blog. I have said over and over that this blog is for me, not anybody else. I will continue to post as my journey continues.
I have also decided that I definitely want more kids. I don't know if we will have to go through such extreme measures to have more children, but we are willing to make the sacrifice. That may mean that we stay in our tiny starter home for a bit longer so we can afford IVF again, and I have come to terms with that. I don't know what the future holds for me and my family, but I do know that infertility has shaped a large part of who I am and I will never forget where this journey has taken me.
We finished the story but that was when I got my answer of how to proceed with this blog. I probably won't be writing in it as much as I had before, but I know that I will still struggle in the future. Blogging has really helped me deal with my thoughts and emotions and sort through them. I am sure there will be times when I am still hit with a hard day and those are the days that I need this blog. I have said over and over that this blog is for me, not anybody else. I will continue to post as my journey continues.
I have also decided that I definitely want more kids. I don't know if we will have to go through such extreme measures to have more children, but we are willing to make the sacrifice. That may mean that we stay in our tiny starter home for a bit longer so we can afford IVF again, and I have come to terms with that. I don't know what the future holds for me and my family, but I do know that infertility has shaped a large part of who I am and I will never forget where this journey has taken me.
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