Screaming on the inside

I don't even know where to begin. The last cycle failed. I kind of had a feeling that it would, but I was still extremely disappointed. I woke up that day and was completely numb. Then, I finally had a breakdown sometime that afternoon. I had awful cramps that day. It pretty much sucked. I called the Dr.'s office Monday and they said that I didn't have a to have a blood test if I took an HPT and just told them the results. Well, after such an awful weekend, I just told them I had taken one and it was negative. Nothing could survive the cramps that I had. I scheduled a hysteroscopy and an IVF consult.
Once we knew that we would for sure be moving forward with IVF, we decided to call D's cousin. He and his wife did IVF twice. If failed the first time and the second time led them to their cute little Kimball. They told us about their experience and gave us some tips. I am so grateful for them. I want to be as prepared as possible and while I understand we will not have the same experience, I feel that I can be more prepared going into this.
I had the hysterscopy on Thursday. Peter had a sales meeting Thursday morning and he was not able to make it. I thought I could do it without him, but I was wrong. I am not usually too nervous about everything that happens at the Dr., but I kind of freaked out this time. They have this 18 inch metal probe thing that they stick inside of you and when they left the room, it was just sitting there staring at me. As soon as he came in, I asked if that would be inside of me and he said just the tip, but I was really freaking out. Like to the point that I was in tears. SO WEIRD! He was so nice, though telling me that I was doing great and walking me through everything. He had me watch the screen and I was able to see the inside of my uterus. It was sooth as a baby's bottom. He said it looked perfect. There was no blockage to the fallopian tubes and no polyps. He said it was great and I was a perfect candidate for IVF. Once, it was done, I felt better but as soon as they walked out, I may have let a few tears fall. I was just so freaked out and nervous and it all got to me. I hated D not being there. I told him how I was feeling and he said he would never miss another appointment again. It just hit me that all this IVF stuff is really happening.
So I have mentioned before that my bff from high school is pregnant. We don't really talk much right now. I get depressed if I talk to her and I'm sure she doesn't know what to say to me. I have literally been ttc since before she met her husband so it's really hard. Well, her little brother and sister both announced this week that they are both expecting! They have both struggled with ttc (one endometriosis and one pcos) so I am happy for them but I am still upset. This is not fair! Why do I have to go through all this bs in order to get pregnant? It is not even guaranteed that it will work! I have just been so mad, pissed, upset, sad, and frustrated the last few days. I wish we could send all the pregnant people to an island so we don't have to see them until after they have their baby. No showers, no pregnant pics on fb, and no lame announcements. When I see pregnant people that I don't even know, the first thing that comes to my mind is a visual of me kicking them in the shins. What has this done to me? I know it is wrong to pull people down, but I just can't do this anymore. It is too much. I am discouraged, upset, and depressed.