I'm baaaack

I have been thinking about some things that I have wanted to write lately but haven't had the push to do it until today. This post may be a bit all over the place but I use this blog as a way to organize my thoughts. It is a weird thing that IF does to you. It is like this silent support group is slowly formed. People start to come out of the woodwork who struggle with IF and you instantly have a bond. I have come across many people in the last couple of months who are dealing with IF. Whether it is on facebook, friends (even a couple who already have kids), or just random places whenever I talk to them about IF we have an instant connection. What is that? Maybe it is because we share an intense struggle. Maybe it is empathy. Maybe it is just the longing to feel like I am not the only woman in the world who can't get pregnant on her own. Whatever it is, I like it.

So it happened yesterday. Out of nowhere, AF decided to show up again in all her wonderful glory. I haven't had my period in 19 months. When it came back, a weird flood of emotions came with it. Let me back up a bit. My DS is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am more in love with that boy than I could have ever imagined. It makes me tear up right now just thinking about it. I always knew I wanted more kids but I have no idea how many more. Having a hiatus of AF for so long (thanks to breastfeeding) has kind of given me a mental vacation from thinking about TTC again. Yesterday that changed. Here's the conversation in my mind for the last 24 hours:
"What if I did magically get pregnant on my own?"
"What if it happend next month?"
"Holy crap not next month!?!"
"Hey it could happen"
"You idiot, if it could happen naturally you wouldn't have had to do IVF"
"But what if it did..." restart at the beginning.
Then I keep thinking about how old DS would be if I got pregnant next month or the month after that or the month after that. And then I think about when I would actually want to start TTC. And when I would want to do IVF again. And then I think about how much that would cost. And then I wish that I didn't start that stupid New Year's resolution to cut out Dr Pepper because that is my go-to feel better treat.
So my brain is going a million miles a minute and the truth is that I DON'T KNOW. I don't know when or how or if it is going to happen again. It is an overwhelming thing. The unknown is scary.
That brings me to today. An old friend randomly sent me an email that she is struggling with IF and starting her first medicated cycle. It made me so happy that I could possibly be of some support to somebody who is going through one of the biggest trials of their life.
So then I start  doing my IF research (aka. blogstalking) and come across a support group held here that meets once a month called Parenting after Infertility Support Group. Who knew?!? I think I want to go. I don't feel like I am post-infertility but I have had a baby so maybe this is for me. Maybe they will be able to help me through my crazy head conversations. I don't know why, but I am scared. I think it is because going to the group would cause me to be vulnerable and reopen all of those woulds that IF left me. I am still working through some emotions that came with my struggle to conceive. The group says to send an email to the group leader prior to attending the meeting. I have the email pulled up and all I have to do is press send. I guess it's worth a shot.