Screaming on the inside

I don't even know where to begin. The last cycle failed. I kind of had a feeling that it would, but I was still extremely disappointed. I woke up that day and was completely numb. Then, I finally had a breakdown sometime that afternoon. I had awful cramps that day. It pretty much sucked. I called the Dr.'s office Monday and they said that I didn't have a to have a blood test if I took an HPT and just told them the results. Well, after such an awful weekend, I just told them I had taken one and it was negative. Nothing could survive the cramps that I had. I scheduled a hysteroscopy and an IVF consult.
Once we knew that we would for sure be moving forward with IVF, we decided to call D's cousin. He and his wife did IVF twice. If failed the first time and the second time led them to their cute little Kimball. They told us about their experience and gave us some tips. I am so grateful for them. I want to be as prepared as possible and while I understand we will not have the same experience, I feel that I can be more prepared going into this.
I had the hysterscopy on Thursday. Peter had a sales meeting Thursday morning and he was not able to make it. I thought I could do it without him, but I was wrong. I am not usually too nervous about everything that happens at the Dr., but I kind of freaked out this time. They have this 18 inch metal probe thing that they stick inside of you and when they left the room, it was just sitting there staring at me. As soon as he came in, I asked if that would be inside of me and he said just the tip, but I was really freaking out. Like to the point that I was in tears. SO WEIRD! He was so nice, though telling me that I was doing great and walking me through everything. He had me watch the screen and I was able to see the inside of my uterus. It was sooth as a baby's bottom. He said it looked perfect. There was no blockage to the fallopian tubes and no polyps. He said it was great and I was a perfect candidate for IVF. Once, it was done, I felt better but as soon as they walked out, I may have let a few tears fall. I was just so freaked out and nervous and it all got to me. I hated D not being there. I told him how I was feeling and he said he would never miss another appointment again. It just hit me that all this IVF stuff is really happening.
So I have mentioned before that my bff from high school is pregnant. We don't really talk much right now. I get depressed if I talk to her and I'm sure she doesn't know what to say to me. I have literally been ttc since before she met her husband so it's really hard. Well, her little brother and sister both announced this week that they are both expecting! They have both struggled with ttc (one endometriosis and one pcos) so I am happy for them but I am still upset. This is not fair! Why do I have to go through all this bs in order to get pregnant? It is not even guaranteed that it will work! I have just been so mad, pissed, upset, sad, and frustrated the last few days. I wish we could send all the pregnant people to an island so we don't have to see them until after they have their baby. No showers, no pregnant pics on fb, and no lame announcements. When I see pregnant people that I don't even know, the first thing that comes to my mind is a visual of me kicking them in the shins. What has this done to me? I know it is wrong to pull people down, but I just can't do this anymore. It is too much. I am discouraged, upset, and depressed.

The dreaded Mother's day

Well, I forgot how emotionally draining it is during the 2ww. This past Saturday, we went to a baseball game with 3 other couples. It was fun and relaxing. I was sitting by some friends and one of the girls sent me a text from a couple seats over asking if I was pregnant because I had a "glow" about me. I didn't really know how to take it. She is not malicious at all, but she doesn't exactly think through things before she says them. D thought it was really insensitive, but I brushed it off knowing her personality.
Sunday was Mother's day. We got up, showered, and started getting ready for church. I had been dreading this day for a while now. I was sitting on the couch feeling really sad when D came up to me and said "Let's not go today". It was the first time that he has really broken down during this whole time. He said that he didn't think he could get through church today without crying. I knew for sure that I could not. They have an entire Mother's day program every year with the kids and teenagers singing Mother's day songs and talks about mothers. As I was consoling him, I started to realize that I had never been in this situation before. I realized that I am ALWAYS crying on his shoulder, but he almost never cried on mine. As I heard myself say the words, "it will be ok", I really felt that it would. I instantly felt calm and more at ease. It is like God gave me strength so that I could strengthen the one I love. I believed for a small moment that we would be ok. I am so grateful for the Lord's tender mercies that help get us through the day.
Then, we went to my mom's house to hang out and talk to my little brother who is on a mission. Nobody in my family has any kids or anything yet so it wasn't too bad except for the fact that I was wondering if everybody else out there was having breakfast in bed or getting sweet presents from their kids/husband. We were watching a movie that night and I was talking to D and he was stressed about work. Since we own our own business, if work goes bad, we don't get paid. I started stressing and freaking out about the $8k bill coming up for IVF. I couldn't control myself even in front of my parents and I just broke down. The stress totally got to me.
The next day, my mom called. She talked to my grandma and said they would split the cost of the IVF and pay for it for us!!!!! I was in tears and totally speechless. This is why my family is so great. We should have some money saved up for it, but it is just nice to know that we won't have to worry about the financial aspect of the fertility treatments. D HATES taking hand outs, but we graciously accepted. My mom said that I have enough stress and that is the last thing that I need, especially during IVF. We have made a point to never borrow money (except for the business) from anybody and be completely independent, so this is very humbling.
Today, I went to lunch with some friends and one of them mentioned that they were going to start trying for number 4 although her luck, "it will probably take forever". Really? Forever? Because I'm pretty sure 3 years feels like forever. Then she was like, "Hey, wouldn't it be fun to be pregnant together?!" No, it would be fun to be pregnant, period. I drove home, fell on to Peter's lap and bawled my eyes out. That sounds a little dramatic but everything just came to a head today. I find out this weekend if the IUI worked and I am just freaking out. Two more days. Let's see if I can make it.

I-V What???

Yes. We are doing IVF if this cycle does not take. We met with the Dr. on Tuesday for our first consult. I had not idea how involved it is and what all the steps were. It was a bit overwhelming, but exciting as well. The Dr. told me that he was surprised that we weren't already pregnant. We went over the statistics (for my age group, he has a 70% live birth success rate!) and steps that we nee to take. Luckily, our insurance covers a portion of off the meds. I called them today and they are going to call me back and let me know the prices of everything. Without insurance, my doctor said the cost is $3000-$4000. Crazy. The lab is going to be closed for two weeks in July so he wanted to do the transfer right after they open. The only problem is that we only have insurance until July 25th. He said he could put me on birth control to start my cycle early an is looking at a transfer date of around July 11. That means the two week wait would end on July 25th. My birthday. Talk about nerve wracking! Last year, on my birthday, I stayed in bed the entire day because I was depressed about turning 25 and not having any kids. Hopefully this year is better. I feel excited and hopeful about doing IVF. I am sure that it will be an emotional roller coaster, but I can handle it. I can handle anything at this point. I just hope I don't go crazy with all the meds. I will be taking Gonal-F, hcg, luparon, progesterone, and a couple other ones I am forgetting. It's a little nuts, but we are diving right in!

Infertile Awareness Day

I am just frustrated with pregnant people, again. There was a baby blessing at church today for a baby who was born 6 days ago. It was short and sweet and I got through it just fine. Then, they had testimony meeting where anybody who wants to can stand up and share what they believe. A few moms stood up and just gushed about how nothing is better than being a mom. And how it is so rewarding and bla bla bla. I just sat there imagining having a little pregnant belly or with a baby carrier sitting next to me. But the pew was empty as was my belly.
I serve in the youth group at my church (girls ages 12-18) and they are singing for the Mother's Day program. They practiced the song today and to be honest, I only heard the first line of "she stood by my crib all those sleepless nights". I just want that so bad. I really don't want to go to church next Sunday. All the kids will be singing and they always have the mothers stand up so they can get a little present. I never stand up and somebody always says, "you can stand up, too, even though you don't have any kids". It is just this awkward reminder that I don't have any kids. I will stand there wishing I could be a mother while everybody can look at me and remember that I have no children of my own.
Mother's Day is National Infertility Awareness Day. I hate it. I hate all the mushy commercials and propaganda. It just brings everything that I wish I had and shoves it in my face. I really don't want to go next week, but we'll see what I decide. I wish I had a group of infertile friends who could all come over and watch movies with me on that day. I think the idea of Mother's Day approaching is just as difficult as Mother's Day itself.

Round 2

So I went to the doctor yesterday to see if I was ready for the trigger shot. Turns out, I had one main follicle, two minor follicles, and a bunchof little follicles. Everybody kept commenting on how "beautiful" my cycle was. The sonographer, the nurse, everybody. They gave the the ovidrel in the office and scheduled the IUI for this morning. 8:00 this morning to be exact. Early but we made it work. Unfortunately, Dr. Barnett was not there since today is a Saturday, but his co-worker Dr. Ku was there. He said the cycle was great for me but that D's count is still low. He has all normal numbers except for the motile sperm. Ideally, the number should be above 10 million. Last cycle the number was 2.4. He has been taking a multivitamin which supposedly should help. Today, the number was 2.8. Dr. Ku recommended that if this IUI didn't work to move on to IVF. That is what we were thinking anyway and what Dr. Barnett recommended. The IUI actually kind of hurt this time. He told me that it is normal because the uterus cramps as soon as he gets into it. Then, he said that we should meet with Dr. Barnett before this cycle is over so that we can get ready for IVF if needed. It would take at least a couple cycles to do. The good thing is that the total cost is $8,000. Our insurance will cover part of it. The front desk girl is going to call our insurance company on Monday and find out how much is covered. Meds are also covered. As soon as they left the room, I started crying. Does this mean that we go from the category of "unexplained infertility" to "male factor infertility"? And why was his first test so high (11 million)!? I felt awful for crying in front of Peter. I do not blame him by any means and I would not him to cry in front of me if the problem was with me. I guess I just didn't really expect that. Also, I'm wondering if this means that IVF would be our only option any time we wanted to have another kid. We would have to save up for years before we could have each kid! We could spend half of that to adopt but I don't know if that is what we should do.
Hopefully this cycle works and I won't have to worry about it for a while, but I have a feeling that we will be doing IVF in just a few short months. I feel calm but kind of overwhelmed. I don't really know what I feel right now.

I would die for that

I found this fabulous website that is a book club for ladies struggling with infertility. They have a play list of favorite songs to listen to on a good day. I just played The Dog Days Are Over because I love that song and the next song was I would Die For That by Kelly Coffey. I had never heard it before but it totally brought me to tears. Luckily, the next song was Firework by Katy Perry. Really, do you ever feel like a plastic bag? (really? who wrote those lyrics?) Here are the lyrics for the Kelly Coffey song:

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Update

I haven't really blogged about this cycle so far. I am finally done taking clomid and have one more injection left tomorrow. Then, I go in for a sono Friday morning. Owning a pest control company, our summers get crazy busy. Our official summer started this week and with Easter this last weekend, the days have flown by. Last time we did a combo cycle, it seemed to drag on forever, but this one has been pretty quick. I don't know if it is because we had a month "off" from treatments or if I have been too busy to worry about this cycle, but it hasn't really been in the forefront of my mind. I haven't even blog stalked any infertiles until last night. Usually, this is almost a nightly thing to make myself feel better.
I have only had one really bad headache and that was this morning. It is weird because I am not excited at all about this cycle. I really feel like it is just a step closer to doing IVF. I really don't think it will work but I'm not sure why I feel like that. Maybe it's just me being pessimistic or maybe I am just so preoccupied with the thought of IVF. I just feel numb. Hopefully I'm wrong.