I have been thinking about some things that I have wanted to write lately but haven't had the push to do it until today. This post may be a bit all over the place but I use this blog as a way to organize my thoughts. It is a weird thing that IF does to you. It is like this silent support group is slowly formed. People start to come out of the woodwork who struggle with IF and you instantly have a bond. I have come across many people in the last couple of months who are dealing with IF. Whether it is on facebook, friends (even a couple who already have kids), or just random places whenever I talk to them about IF we have an instant connection. What is that? Maybe it is because we share an intense struggle. Maybe it is empathy. Maybe it is just the longing to feel like I am not the only woman in the world who can't get pregnant on her own. Whatever it is, I like it.
So it happened yesterday. Out of nowhere, AF decided to show up again in all her wonderful glory. I haven't had my period in 19 months. When it came back, a weird flood of emotions came with it. Let me back up a bit. My DS is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am more in love with that boy than I could have ever imagined. It makes me tear up right now just thinking about it. I always knew I wanted more kids but I have no idea how many more. Having a hiatus of AF for so long (thanks to breastfeeding) has kind of given me a mental vacation from thinking about TTC again. Yesterday that changed. Here's the conversation in my mind for the last 24 hours:
"What if I did magically get pregnant on my own?"
"What if it happend next month?"
"Holy crap not next month!?!"
"Hey it could happen"
"You idiot, if it could happen naturally you wouldn't have had to do IVF"
"But what if it did..." restart at the beginning.
Then I keep thinking about how old DS would be if I got pregnant next month or the month after that or the month after that. And then I think about when I would actually want to start TTC. And when I would want to do IVF again. And then I think about how much that would cost. And then I wish that I didn't start that stupid New Year's resolution to cut out Dr Pepper because that is my go-to feel better treat.
So my brain is going a million miles a minute and the truth is that I DON'T KNOW. I don't know when or how or if it is going to happen again. It is an overwhelming thing. The unknown is scary.
That brings me to today. An old friend randomly sent me an email that she is struggling with IF and starting her first medicated cycle. It made me so happy that I could possibly be of some support to somebody who is going through one of the biggest trials of their life.
So then I start doing my IF research (aka. blogstalking) and come across a support group held here that meets once a month called Parenting after Infertility Support Group. Who knew?!? I think I want to go. I don't feel like I am post-infertility but I have had a baby so maybe this is for me. Maybe they will be able to help me through my crazy head conversations. I don't know why, but I am scared. I think it is because going to the group would cause me to be vulnerable and reopen all of those woulds that IF left me. I am still working through some emotions that came with my struggle to conceive. The group says to send an email to the group leader prior to attending the meeting. I have the email pulled up and all I have to do is press send. I guess it's worth a shot.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
The Invisible Pain of Infertility
This morning, D saw this article on our MSN homepage. He told me about it and I finally got around to reading it this evening. I thought it was a very well written article about struggling with infertility. It is hard to talk about when you are struggling with infertility because it is so personal. For me, I didn't want the constant questions like, "Any news yet?" or "how are 'things' going?" Now that I have been through years of infertility ending in one beautiful and healthy son, I am able to be much more open about my struggle with infertility.
Redbook and Resolve (the National Infertility Association) are joining together to launch a national campaign called The Truth About Trying to raise awareness about infertility. I think it's great that more awareness is being raised for such an important issue. Unless you have struggled with infertility, you probably don't realize how devastating it really can be.
I told D about the campaign and he told me I should make a video and submit it. I haven't ever done something like that before, but I don't see any reason I can't participate. I'll work on that and post the video I make.
Redbook and Resolve (the National Infertility Association) are joining together to launch a national campaign called The Truth About Trying to raise awareness about infertility. I think it's great that more awareness is being raised for such an important issue. Unless you have struggled with infertility, you probably don't realize how devastating it really can be.
I told D about the campaign and he told me I should make a video and submit it. I haven't ever done something like that before, but I don't see any reason I can't participate. I'll work on that and post the video I make.
The Truth About Trying
I was watching some of the videos and I clicked on this video only to realize that he is the other doctor at my fertility clinic! He did one of our IUIs and is a great doctor but I love what he says at the end. Don't give up. If we had given up, we would not have the wonderful blessing of our little boy come into our lives. He was worth all the heartache, pain, and tears. In fact, I think that I love him even more because we worked so hard to get him here.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
My Search for Motherhood
I am a very religious person and believe in the leaders of my church. We believe in a prophet who can still receive revelation for the world today. I have been noticing lately that the issue of infertility has been coming up more and more. I don't know if I am just more aware when they speak of IF or if it is just becoming a more relevant issue. I wrote a post last October and December about our church leaders talking about IF.
I recently got our monthly church publication and found yet another article about IF titled My Search for Motherhood. It is a sweet story about a woman who struggled her entire life with never having children of her own but searched for opportunities to have what she calls "alternate opportunities for motherhood". I don't think that I ever got to that point in my personal journey, but I started to realize that the Lord has put children in my life so that I may try to develop motherly attributes.
For example, since being married I have spent a few years serving children in church. I was a teacher for the 3-4 year old children for a couple of years. During that time, I learned the innocence of children and their unconditional love for others. I also learned that they are so much smarter than I had originally given them credit for. I saw the children grow because of the influence of their parents. I loved teaching the young kids stories from the scriptures only to find out they already know those stories.
I have also had the opportunity to serve the youth of the church in many capacities. I was a leader over 12-13 year old girls as well as 14-15 year old girls. Their strength, faith, and testimonies are so strong even though the world can be so hard. They have such bright futures ahead of them and it was exciting to see them grow and accomplish their goals and dreams.
I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to be surrounded by children even though I haven't had any of my own. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me enough to put me in those positions to soften my heart and help me grow as a woman. Now that I am about to have one of my own (less than 3 weeks left!) I still feel completely unprepared to be a mother, but I know that with the help of the Lord I can do all things.
I recently got our monthly church publication and found yet another article about IF titled My Search for Motherhood. It is a sweet story about a woman who struggled her entire life with never having children of her own but searched for opportunities to have what she calls "alternate opportunities for motherhood". I don't think that I ever got to that point in my personal journey, but I started to realize that the Lord has put children in my life so that I may try to develop motherly attributes.
For example, since being married I have spent a few years serving children in church. I was a teacher for the 3-4 year old children for a couple of years. During that time, I learned the innocence of children and their unconditional love for others. I also learned that they are so much smarter than I had originally given them credit for. I saw the children grow because of the influence of their parents. I loved teaching the young kids stories from the scriptures only to find out they already know those stories.
I have also had the opportunity to serve the youth of the church in many capacities. I was a leader over 12-13 year old girls as well as 14-15 year old girls. Their strength, faith, and testimonies are so strong even though the world can be so hard. They have such bright futures ahead of them and it was exciting to see them grow and accomplish their goals and dreams.
I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to be surrounded by children even though I haven't had any of my own. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me enough to put me in those positions to soften my heart and help me grow as a woman. Now that I am about to have one of my own (less than 3 weeks left!) I still feel completely unprepared to be a mother, but I know that with the help of the Lord I can do all things.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Sufficient Grace
I just came across this blog post and thought it was beautifully written. She is a lot more eloquent than I am when it comes to writing but her story is all too familiar.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The Truth About IVF
So SIF wrote this post about the truth of IVF. I read a couple responses from some other blogs (see here and here) and I thought I should share my own.
First of all, IVF is a very personal choice. I have heard mixed feelings on the subject. A lot of responses I have heard is that IVF is too invasive. Well, it is invasive! Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, it is invasive and uncomfortable. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The only thing harder was struggling with infertility and NOT doing anything about it. Luckily, I know that the Spirit can guide us in our decisions.
James 1:5 says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him as of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."
This teaches me that if I have a question, I can ask God and he will guide me to the right answer. That was exactly what we did when making the decision to move forward with IVF. We prayed our little hearts out asking for guidance. We didn't get some huge answer, but we did a lot of research and we both felt good about doing IVF so we decided to move forward. The entire process took a few months but it was worth every second. I'm sure I would feel different if it didn't work out for us, but it did! While I understand that this is a personal decision for everybody, this is what worked for us. I don't mean it worked because we got pregnant. It worked because we felt like this is the path that our Heavenly Father would have us take to get closer to having our family. I feel like as long as you do everything that you can to have your little ones come to you (whether that is IVF, adoption, and everything in between), they are supposed to be the ones coming to you.
When deciding which path to take to have your own family, make God part of that decision. Ultimately, He is the only one who knows what you are going through and how it ends. He loves His children and wants them to be happy.
First of all, IVF is a very personal choice. I have heard mixed feelings on the subject. A lot of responses I have heard is that IVF is too invasive. Well, it is invasive! Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, it is invasive and uncomfortable. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The only thing harder was struggling with infertility and NOT doing anything about it. Luckily, I know that the Spirit can guide us in our decisions.
James 1:5 says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him as of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."
This teaches me that if I have a question, I can ask God and he will guide me to the right answer. That was exactly what we did when making the decision to move forward with IVF. We prayed our little hearts out asking for guidance. We didn't get some huge answer, but we did a lot of research and we both felt good about doing IVF so we decided to move forward. The entire process took a few months but it was worth every second. I'm sure I would feel different if it didn't work out for us, but it did! While I understand that this is a personal decision for everybody, this is what worked for us. I don't mean it worked because we got pregnant. It worked because we felt like this is the path that our Heavenly Father would have us take to get closer to having our family. I feel like as long as you do everything that you can to have your little ones come to you (whether that is IVF, adoption, and everything in between), they are supposed to be the ones coming to you.
When deciding which path to take to have your own family, make God part of that decision. Ultimately, He is the only one who knows what you are going through and how it ends. He loves His children and wants them to be happy.
Monday, February 6, 2012
IF
This past week I realized that infertility can really bring some people together. My husband and I own a pest control company and sometimes he has to go out and actually service the routes. This last week, he was servicing a customer and noticed the new nursery in the house. He started talking to the guy who lived there and it turns out his wife is due around the same time I am. Peter made some comment about how it took us a while to get pregnant and they started talking. It turns out this couple had struggled with infertility and did 4 IUIs. They finally got pregnant with their last one. D talked to him for quite a while about how hard it is to go through infertility. They talked about how it was hard to see their wives go through infertility. They talked about the stupid things people say to you when you are trying to get pregnant but can't.
What I love about the situation is how open they were with each other. According to D, they had a really good conversation. I love that when we are open with our struggle, we can become a little closer to other people. It's like this little family out there and we just need to open our mouths to connect with them.
What I love about the situation is how open they were with each other. According to D, they had a really good conversation. I love that when we are open with our struggle, we can become a little closer to other people. It's like this little family out there and we just need to open our mouths to connect with them.
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