One of those people

I'm one of those people. You know the ones all of us infertiles hate hearing about. Whenever somebody is going through fertility treatments or through the adoption process, somebody always has a friend who has a friend who did IF treatments/adoption then right after they had their baby...BAM they got pregnant. So their cure to IF is just to have a baby. It worked for their friend's friend. I think every infertile hates hearing that story over and over. Well, I'm one of those people now.
Just typing this makes me emotional. When my period came back after having DS, TTC was immediately on my mind. I wasn't exactly ready to get pregnant with a 9 month old baby, but I couldn't help but wonder what lay ahead. We knew our family was not done and that we had more children waiting for us so we made a plan. We looked at our finances and tried to see when we could pay off some debt and save enough money for another round of IVF. My goal was to be pregnant by the end of the year. We wanted to do IVF again this December so we could have the baby right after next summer (our busy season for work).
Well, the Lord had other plans. I had my period 3 times but it wasn't exactly regular since I was still breastfeeding so I didn't worry about it too much. One day, I was at a friend's house complaining about how I hate waiting for my period to start. I had been having cramps for a couple of days but no AF. I told her it had been a while and she told me to take a pregnancy test because she always had cramping with her pregnancies. I didn't think too much of it but on the way home, I realized that it had been 35 days since my last AF. DH went immediately to Walgreens and bought a test but I couldn't pee (of course). I was also really hesitant to take it because I KNEW it would be negative and I wasn't sure if I could stand that heartbreak. Obviously, I had to pee at 1 in the morning and since the test was waiting there, I decided to take it. No pressure. Nobody was even awake and I could throw it away if  when it was negative.
It was positive. Immediately positive.
I jumped onto our bed,woke up DH who was dead asleep at the time, and just started crying and told him that it was positive. He was a little confused at first but then he kept saying "I knew it!" I couldn't stop crying for a while and he just held me until we could get down on our knees and thank our Heavenly Father for the blessing that He had given us.
I still don't know why I deserve this miracle in my life. I wish every person who struggles TTC can have the same luck that I do, but I know how annoying it is to hear stories similar to mine.
I don't know what the future holds for our family or if we will have to travel down the infertile road again, but I am just going to try and enjoy the journey that I am on right now.

I couldn't have said it better myself

Just came across this.

Infertile Mother

Infertility is a weird thing. Just because you get pregnant or have a baby, it does not mean you have graduated. I feel really lucky to have some amazing friends. When I was pregnant, quite a few of my friends were pregnant and we all had babies around the same time. Those ladies were/are a great support system for be because let's be honest- being pregnant and having a baby is hard. For some of us, getting pregnant is even harder. Lately, I have been obsessing thinking about babies.Thanks to breastfeeding, I have only had my period twice since getting pregnant so TTC wasn't really much of an option until recently. Some of my friends who had babies right around when I had DS are already pregnant again! And not newly pregnant, out of the first trimester pregnant. So all of these announcements (thanks, Facebook) have really gotten me thinking about when will be the right time for us to start TTC. There were two FB announcements today and I just started having anxiety. I had to go into an empty room and call my husband because I was really freaking out. I know it sounds so lame but the thought of going through all the emotional and physical pain I went through to get pregnant the first time really scares me.
If I knew that we could get pregnant easy peasy, I don't think I'd even be ready  to start TTC again. But guess what, it isn't.  Of course I look at my little boy and think "Oh, he's so cute, I want more" but I feel like I'm just settling into my life. In  3 months (November-January), we sold our house, moved 30 minutes away to an apartment, bought and moved into an amazing house. I LOVE my new house and community. We are unpacked and I am finally in a routine. I take DS to the park and story time, I go to yoga, I started "running" (I use the term very loosely) and even signed up for a 5k in May. I fit into all of my clothes. My life is really great right now but the stress that comes with trying to get pregnant sometimes consumes me. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who helps me through these hard times. He explained that the Atonement is not a one time event. That we can use it and lean on the Savior over and over again.
Today, I just felt lonely. I felt like I can't complain since I have a beautiful baby boy and like nobody understands but my husband reminded me that the Savior does. He can help me.
Now, if anybody even reads this blog I would like to say a word regarding this post. If you have never struggled with infertility, I might sound like a whiner. Yes, I do have a baby but that does not mean that my desire for another baby is gone. Just because I have a baby does not mean that my family is complete. And just because I have a baby does not mean that I don't think about IF every day.
At yoga tonight, I realized that I just need to be happy now. I am going to enjoy my time of going to the gym, spending quality time with my son, spending time with my husband, and becoming a better me. One day, the kids will come.
One day.

Football IF

The right way

I came across this article today and it has really made me think. He talks about waiting for intimacy until marriage and getting married the "right way". Being from an  LDS culture, it is expected to wait until marriage but as I read this article, I realized that abstinence until marriage is not the norm. Obviously, I knew this but I didn't realize how "weird" we were for waiting. So what does this have to do with IF? Well, I was thinking about how lucky I am to have my wonderful husband. Before we got married, I never had to take birth control. I never had to take a pregnancy test by myself. I never had to get tested for STDs. I never had to worry about being a single mom. I had a very carefree fun time where I could learn about myself, become comfortable in my own skin, go to school, date, and just grow up without any such worries that come along with sex outside of marriage.
Once we got married, we shared something that we didn't share with anybody else. I feel like that has bonded us on some level. I am so lucky to have him. I could not have made it through some days when we were TTC without him. He stood by my side and picked me up (sometimes literally) when I was down because I longed to have a child. I would not want to go through something so hard with anybody else. He is my rock and my support.
It is a weird position to be in to have struggled with IF and now have a child. My son brings me joy that I could not have ever imagined before having him. I still have moments where I just look at him and start crying. I just hate the unknown. Maybe if we had a real diagnosis I could at least have some sort of idea what the future holds. For now, I will just enjoy my time with my family of three. I am so blessed. 

update: I emailed the girl about the support group but it does not exist anymore :(

I'm baaaack

I have been thinking about some things that I have wanted to write lately but haven't had the push to do it until today. This post may be a bit all over the place but I use this blog as a way to organize my thoughts. It is a weird thing that IF does to you. It is like this silent support group is slowly formed. People start to come out of the woodwork who struggle with IF and you instantly have a bond. I have come across many people in the last couple of months who are dealing with IF. Whether it is on facebook, friends (even a couple who already have kids), or just random places whenever I talk to them about IF we have an instant connection. What is that? Maybe it is because we share an intense struggle. Maybe it is empathy. Maybe it is just the longing to feel like I am not the only woman in the world who can't get pregnant on her own. Whatever it is, I like it.

So it happened yesterday. Out of nowhere, AF decided to show up again in all her wonderful glory. I haven't had my period in 19 months. When it came back, a weird flood of emotions came with it. Let me back up a bit. My DS is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am more in love with that boy than I could have ever imagined. It makes me tear up right now just thinking about it. I always knew I wanted more kids but I have no idea how many more. Having a hiatus of AF for so long (thanks to breastfeeding) has kind of given me a mental vacation from thinking about TTC again. Yesterday that changed. Here's the conversation in my mind for the last 24 hours:
"What if I did magically get pregnant on my own?"
"What if it happend next month?"
"Holy crap not next month!?!"
"Hey it could happen"
"You idiot, if it could happen naturally you wouldn't have had to do IVF"
"But what if it did..." restart at the beginning.
Then I keep thinking about how old DS would be if I got pregnant next month or the month after that or the month after that. And then I think about when I would actually want to start TTC. And when I would want to do IVF again. And then I think about how much that would cost. And then I wish that I didn't start that stupid New Year's resolution to cut out Dr Pepper because that is my go-to feel better treat.
So my brain is going a million miles a minute and the truth is that I DON'T KNOW. I don't know when or how or if it is going to happen again. It is an overwhelming thing. The unknown is scary.
That brings me to today. An old friend randomly sent me an email that she is struggling with IF and starting her first medicated cycle. It made me so happy that I could possibly be of some support to somebody who is going through one of the biggest trials of their life.
So then I start  doing my IF research (aka. blogstalking) and come across a support group held here that meets once a month called Parenting after Infertility Support Group. Who knew?!? I think I want to go. I don't feel like I am post-infertility but I have had a baby so maybe this is for me. Maybe they will be able to help me through my crazy head conversations. I don't know why, but I am scared. I think it is because going to the group would cause me to be vulnerable and reopen all of those woulds that IF left me. I am still working through some emotions that came with my struggle to conceive. The group says to send an email to the group leader prior to attending the meeting. I have the email pulled up and all I have to do is press send. I guess it's worth a shot.

The Invisible Pain of Infertility

This morning, D saw this article on our MSN homepage. He told me about it and I finally got around to reading it this evening. I thought it was a very well written article about struggling with infertility. It is hard to talk about when you are struggling with infertility because it is so personal. For me, I didn't want the constant questions like, "Any news yet?" or "how are 'things' going?" Now that I have been through years of infertility ending in one beautiful and healthy son, I am able to be much more open about my struggle with infertility.
Redbook and Resolve (the National Infertility Association) are joining together to launch a national campaign called The Truth About Trying to raise awareness about infertility. I think it's great that more awareness is being raised for such an important issue. Unless you have struggled with infertility, you probably don't realize how devastating it really can be.
I told D about the campaign and he told me I should make a video and submit it. I haven't ever done something like that before, but I don't see any reason I can't participate. I'll work on that and post the video I make.