Round 2

So I went to the doctor yesterday to see if I was ready for the trigger shot. Turns out, I had one main follicle, two minor follicles, and a bunchof little follicles. Everybody kept commenting on how "beautiful" my cycle was. The sonographer, the nurse, everybody. They gave the the ovidrel in the office and scheduled the IUI for this morning. 8:00 this morning to be exact. Early but we made it work. Unfortunately, Dr. Barnett was not there since today is a Saturday, but his co-worker Dr. Ku was there. He said the cycle was great for me but that D's count is still low. He has all normal numbers except for the motile sperm. Ideally, the number should be above 10 million. Last cycle the number was 2.4. He has been taking a multivitamin which supposedly should help. Today, the number was 2.8. Dr. Ku recommended that if this IUI didn't work to move on to IVF. That is what we were thinking anyway and what Dr. Barnett recommended. The IUI actually kind of hurt this time. He told me that it is normal because the uterus cramps as soon as he gets into it. Then, he said that we should meet with Dr. Barnett before this cycle is over so that we can get ready for IVF if needed. It would take at least a couple cycles to do. The good thing is that the total cost is $8,000. Our insurance will cover part of it. The front desk girl is going to call our insurance company on Monday and find out how much is covered. Meds are also covered. As soon as they left the room, I started crying. Does this mean that we go from the category of "unexplained infertility" to "male factor infertility"? And why was his first test so high (11 million)!? I felt awful for crying in front of Peter. I do not blame him by any means and I would not him to cry in front of me if the problem was with me. I guess I just didn't really expect that. Also, I'm wondering if this means that IVF would be our only option any time we wanted to have another kid. We would have to save up for years before we could have each kid! We could spend half of that to adopt but I don't know if that is what we should do.
Hopefully this cycle works and I won't have to worry about it for a while, but I have a feeling that we will be doing IVF in just a few short months. I feel calm but kind of overwhelmed. I don't really know what I feel right now.

I would die for that

I found this fabulous website that is a book club for ladies struggling with infertility. They have a play list of favorite songs to listen to on a good day. I just played The Dog Days Are Over because I love that song and the next song was I would Die For That by Kelly Coffey. I had never heard it before but it totally brought me to tears. Luckily, the next song was Firework by Katy Perry. Really, do you ever feel like a plastic bag? (really? who wrote those lyrics?) Here are the lyrics for the Kelly Coffey song:

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Update

I haven't really blogged about this cycle so far. I am finally done taking clomid and have one more injection left tomorrow. Then, I go in for a sono Friday morning. Owning a pest control company, our summers get crazy busy. Our official summer started this week and with Easter this last weekend, the days have flown by. Last time we did a combo cycle, it seemed to drag on forever, but this one has been pretty quick. I don't know if it is because we had a month "off" from treatments or if I have been too busy to worry about this cycle, but it hasn't really been in the forefront of my mind. I haven't even blog stalked any infertiles until last night. Usually, this is almost a nightly thing to make myself feel better.
I have only had one really bad headache and that was this morning. It is weird because I am not excited at all about this cycle. I really feel like it is just a step closer to doing IVF. I really don't think it will work but I'm not sure why I feel like that. Maybe it's just me being pessimistic or maybe I am just so preoccupied with the thought of IVF. I just feel numb. Hopefully I'm wrong.

ABC of TTC

Just decided it was time to post and I copied this from some other bloggers.

A. Age when you started TTC: 22

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Neither. Baby Dancing just sounds stupid though.

C. Children wanted: When we first got married, I was thinking 3 since there were 3 in my family. Now, I want 4-5. I guess you always want what you can't have :(

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: The best, cutest, funniest, little dachshund, Winston. I swear that he has been sent from heaven. When I am getting cramps or feeling sick, he snuggles me. When I am crying, he puts his nose right in my face and I can't help but laugh. When I am happy, he gets excited and wags his tail so much it shakes his little butt. I don't know what I would do without him.

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Prenatals.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid, Ovidrel, Gonal-F pen (I think its follitism in it?)

G. Gain: Patience, Empathy. Sensitivity to the fact that everybody is struggling with something that we may not know about.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): January 2011. All clear but it has been the most physically painful part of TTC up to this point.

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: Everybody else getting pregnant. Facebook baby diaries. Baby showers. Belly pics. People telling me I'm lucky I don't have kids.

J. Job title: Secretary/CEO/CFO/Manager. We own our own pest control company so my husband and I pretty much do it all.

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: The only names we won't reuse are either of our immediate family's names and I'm not worried about it. My names will always be better ;)

L. Length of time TTC: 2 years and 10 months

M. Miscarriages: none, luckily. I don't think I could handle that.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Never! We went from our Obgyn to our RE and stayed there. I've been really happy with my doctors.

O. Ovarian quality: Never tested this

P. POAS or wait for AF: Wait. After 34 cycles, I cannot afford to buy that many pee sticks. My cycle is really regular, though so I know when its coming.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: Everybody and their dogs are doing IVF these days, it's not really a big deal. Really? I'm pretty sure anything that costs over $10,000 is a big deal. And I guess as long as dogs are doing it, I should be fine.

S. Sperm: We've gotten two different results and are getting a third test done this weekend.

T. Time you tried naturally: 2 years

U. Uterus quality: Good as far as I know.

V. Vagina: What?

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: NOTHING. That would be torture. Plus, I change my mind so much if I bought anything, I would probably be sick of it by the time I needed it.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? A few close friends and our immediate families.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I had one in January because I had just gotten health insurance but I don't think I would get one if I needed it right now. .

Z. Zits: More after TTC. Either from eating my worries away (or drinking Dr. Pepper, really), stress, or just hormones in my body.

Frustrations

Sunday: I got into a car wreck with my husband. I rear-ended him. The main problem was that he just put the trailer hitch on the new truck so it jacked my car. Suck. Then, we went to go see some old friends. We used to live pretty close and see each other almost every dau, but we moved and only get to see them every so often. We were catching up and she told me she was pregnant. Again. This is her 5th kid! Here's the conversation:
Her: "We are having another one in December"
Me: "Really? (I was caught totally off guard) Wow. Good for you."
Her: "Yeah it was earlier than we expected but Husband always talks about having 10 kids so it's fine. (Again, this is their 5th. She isn't kidding about the 10 kids)"
The conversation kind of fizzled from there. The thing that bugs me the most is that she knows about our infertility struggles! And she's just like "yeah, earlier than we expected". Really lady? Because mine is 3 years later than I expected.

Monday: I start day 1 of cycle and call the doctor's office. Schedule an appoint for a sono for Tuesday morning to see if the cysts decreased enough to start treatment this cycle. I am nervous and freaking out all day but work was really busy so at least I was somewhat distracted. I'm grateful for priesthood blessings and the comfort that comes from them.

Tuesday: Sono bright and early. Nothing like being prodded at 8 in the morning. Luckily, it was good news! My right ovary had two huge cysts and they are down to 15 mm. The left is even smaller. I was so excited (the cut off is 18 mm) and may or may not have jumped off the table holding the little paper sheet around me and did a happy dance. I am so lucky to have the job that we have because Peter has never missed an appointment and we were both so excited. They did estrogen and FSH tests to confirm that the cysts are not going to throw off the cycle but if everything goes well, I start clomid this Friday! Needless to say, I was really nervous when I saw the office number calling my cell phone, but the nurse was just calling to say my levels were fine and that I should order the meds (already done by this point). YAY. Insert happy dance again.
Then, my SIL (younger brother's wife) was texting me asking how it went. I told her the story and she proceeded to tell me she is taking FertilAid (she has a hard time ovulating). I didn't even know they were "trying"!!!! They just had their one year anniversary. Like three days ago. Then she told me she has been taking it for 3 weeks and is impatient waiting for it to work. 3 WEEKS? Try 3 YEARS. I am not the person to talk to about being impatient. What's with the insensitive people this week? I don't mind talking to her about my fertility treatments or giving her advise for going to the doctor, but I don't want to talk about how impatient she is waiting for these pills to kick in. If they get pregnant before me, I really might just hurt myself. Or somebody else.
To end on a happy note, we are both just so excited to go forward with this cycle. D just turned to me out of nowhere and said "I am so happy. I feel so relieved that we can move forward this month." I love him.

I'm only 25!

I don't really have much to say tonight but I need to blog about something. I hung out with a couple friends tonight who are the same age as me. One just had a little baby girl in December and one has two little girls. I watched them today being moms and I want that. I want to love somebody like that. I want somebody to love me like that. I will be a good mom. I have had enough great moms in my life that I really think I will be a good mom. I know I won't be perfect and I will surely make mistakes, but I still want to take a shot at it.

So bugged

I am so bugged right now. I honestly am thinking about deleting my FB account. (OK, maybe not really but kind of). I am so sick of people using FB as a personal baby diary! I have some really close friends who are pregnant so I can't really delete them. I don't want to block them because they are still friends that I talk to on a regular basis. But do they really have to post ever little thing about being pregnant of fb? They have sonograms as their profile pictures so every time they do anything on fb, I can see it. They post belly pics, talk about how they want to sleep on their stomachs, and complain about being fat. And they all comment on each other's pregnancy posts. I DON'T FREAKING CARE! I really try to be positive as much as I can but this just gets under my skin. First of all, why does your profile pic have to be your uterus? Should I put a picture of my uterus? Of better yet sonogram of the cysts on my ovaries? And do you really have to complain about getting "fat"? I have been trying for 3 years to have a baby growing inside of me and you are complaining about how big you're getting?!? Another thing, do you really have to write your in-utero baby "letters" as your status? "Dear baby, I just can't wait to meet you" "Dear baby, just move over so I can fit some more food into my body" Dear baby, slap me across the face so I don't have to read these horrible status updates anymore". Gag me. And lastly, I'm over the belly pictures. Maybe I should have my husband take pictures of me facing the side with my flat belly and make YOU jealous. You obviously don't think about how your fb actions might affect anybody else, so maybe I should just think about myself for once? Maybe I should post status updates about how I want to round up all the pregnant women and ship them off to one island so I don't have to see/hear/talk to them anymore. I just want to scream right now. Get a freaking scrapbook or personal blog so I don't have to look at all of you non-reproductively challenged people.
I say this hiding behind a computer screen in my own home. I would never be that mean to people, I care too much about others' feelings. But for now, let me go cry in my room by myself.

PETA

I've always hated PETA because they value animal life above human life. I want the ethical treatment for animals but they take it to extremes. I didn't think I could hate them anymore until I found out about their latest campaign. Win A Vasectomy. Whatever, I don't really care if you get a vasectomy but in honor of NATIONAL INFERTILITY WEEK?!?!?!? Really? Here's a line copied right from their website, "And with a global population of almost 7 billion humans, more of our species could use a (voluntary) snip too."
I find this extremely tactless and offensive. Did they really think that offering a procedure to prevent babies would honor people who can't have babies? By even launching this campaign, then using words like "snip" it completely mocks infertility as a disease. I do support the ethical treatment of animals, but I support the ethical treatment of PEOPLE even more. I have spent 3 years of my life, thousands of dollars, and countless tears trying to have a baby and this is just rude and disrespectful. I'm disgusted and don't even know what else to say.
Even my dog is booing PETA. I'm going to go eat a steak now.

And the verdict is...

We have been trying to decide whether to pursue adoption or IVF. This weekend we were able to watch the Prophet and apostles of our church speak in General Conference. They gave many inspiring talks about trials. I got the feeling that we basically needed to make the decision ourselves, then ask the Lord if we are doing the right thing. I felt the prompting that I was sent to this earth in a time where we have the medical technology that would allow us to do something such as IVF. So today, I decided to go with IVF. We still want to do one more IUI before IVF and we are going to take that time to educate ourselves as much as possible about IVF. D has a cousin who recently had a baby by IVF so we plan on calling them and getting their perspective and experience with it. Hopefully the next IUI will work, but if not, at least we now have a plan.

Decisions

Peter and I went to dinner tonight and were talking about IVF vs. adoption. Our health insurance expires on July 25 so we only have 3 months and 3 weeks left. Here's our options.
Option 1: IUI in May, June, July (possibly)
Option 2: IUI in May, IVF in June or July
This is all assuming that I don't have any cysts after this or the May cycles. If we do have cysts, that is one less cycle that we can do anything Our insurance covers up to $3500 in fertility including IVF. The good thing about doing IVF while having insurance is that although not much would be covered, the medicine would be mostly covered which would save probably upwards of $1000. On the other hand, that is tons of money. Would it be worth it to do as many IUIs as possible? I feel like I should have a decision made before I start CD1, go to the Dr. office and he asks if we should start injections that week. I'm split on what to do and really confused. I hope to be able to have this decision made by the time my next cycle starts. I am taking this month "off" so I plan to try to clear my mind and make that decision. I wish somebody could tell me what I should do. My RE says we should do one more IUI then IVF, but it is not his money. It sucks that this kid of decision is a money decision. Fertile couples don't have to make the decision to start a family based on finances. Whatever.
On another note, my MiL and other SiL have both finally responded to my email. MiL said she didn't get it (hmmm...) originally. She said we are in her prayers. SiL sent me an email and called me today. She was very genuine. She has been TTC for 6 months and has a hard time. I found myself being Positive Polly (yes, I made that name up on the spot. I couldn't really think of any other P names-Peggy? Penelope?) about the whole thing. I don't know where it came from but I decided I won't let this thing beat me. Some days it does (I started crying at Texas Roadhouse tonight), but I have to fight. I told her that God thinks we are able to handle this so He obviously knows more than we do. My Savior went through this for me while he was performing the Atonement so I can go through it as best as I can for Him.