Peter was out of town last week and I decided to rent some girly movies that I would not have seen had he been in town. I rented Life As We Know It. I don't know why I would rent a movie about babies but as I was watching it on my couch snuggling my cute little pooch, I found myself hoping that would happen to me. I don't want any of my friends/family to die so that I can get their baby, but I would love if a baby came into my life that quickly/easily. I have seen the show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant and have also had similar thoughts. It would suck not to know I was pregnant, but wouldn't it be nice to come home with a baby tomorrow? On the other hand, I want the pregnancy experience. I want to nest and to have a cute little baby bump. I want to have the experience of preparing to be a mom.
We finally heard from some of Peter's family. My SiL texted me quite a bit and was very thoughtful. My FiL sent me a one sentence email as did another SiL (she already knew so I wasn't expecting her to send a response at all). I guess it is better than nothing. It is a little frustrating that we don't have more support from Peter's family. Not so much for me, but I want Peter to feel unconditional love and support from his family. Whatever.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Out of my cocntrol?
Still no word from Peter's family.
Two baby blessings at church (twins). They were short and sweet. The mom bore her testimony that she never thought she would be a mom of 7, but the Lord had a plan for her. This made me think of a conversation that I had with a friend yesterday. We went down to the mall to check out the new H&M (major disappointment, btw) and she brought up a conversation that she had with some girls from church a couple days before. She is worried that once she removes her IUD, she will struggle to get pregnant again (she already has two adorable little girls) but whatever happens, the Lord has a plan. I, of course, had to explain my point of view. I think the go-to response when somebody is TTC is "it's on the Lord's time" or "the Lord has a plan". Since I do not have any children yet, does that mean the Lord doesn't trust me with one of his own? Does that mean that He does not want me to be a mother? Does that mean that He wants me to struggle with everything that goes along with TTC? Does that mean that he wants a 16 year old girl to get pregnant and raise a baby even though she cannot support a baby? Does the Lord want her to be a mother more than me? I think not. Yes, I believe that He has a plan. On the other hand, i do not believe in predestination. The Lord allows us to go through hard times so that we can grow and stretch ourselves. There are laws on this earth that have consequences. For example, if you have sex, you have a chance of getting pregnant. If you are 16 and have sex, you have a chance of getting pregnant. Everybody knows this and we have our own free will to make the choice whether or not to have sex. There are also technologies out there that allow us to take fertility into our hands. Ultimately, God can make miracles happen. He can allow be to become pregnant, but some things we have to work for. We are saved by grace after all we can do. For some, there is not much work involved in becoming pregnant. For others like me, we have to work. Go to doctors appointments, get poked and prodded, and go through the excruciating pain just to try to fulfill a life-long dream of becoming a mother. Telling me it is on the Lord's time does not make me feel better, it is just lazy. It is easy to fall back on that excuse without thinking about our own choices.
That being said, I do believe that my Father in Heaven loves me and has a plan for me. If I knew that plan, there would be no need for faith. My faith has grown though this experience (although if it were over soon, that would be fabulous). I know that He knows me and my struggles. I know that my Savior has walked this path and is walking it with me. Sometimes, I feel like I am completely alone, but if I ask, I can feel His arms around me.
Two baby blessings at church (twins). They were short and sweet. The mom bore her testimony that she never thought she would be a mom of 7, but the Lord had a plan for her. This made me think of a conversation that I had with a friend yesterday. We went down to the mall to check out the new H&M (major disappointment, btw) and she brought up a conversation that she had with some girls from church a couple days before. She is worried that once she removes her IUD, she will struggle to get pregnant again (she already has two adorable little girls) but whatever happens, the Lord has a plan. I, of course, had to explain my point of view. I think the go-to response when somebody is TTC is "it's on the Lord's time" or "the Lord has a plan". Since I do not have any children yet, does that mean the Lord doesn't trust me with one of his own? Does that mean that He does not want me to be a mother? Does that mean that He wants me to struggle with everything that goes along with TTC? Does that mean that he wants a 16 year old girl to get pregnant and raise a baby even though she cannot support a baby? Does the Lord want her to be a mother more than me? I think not. Yes, I believe that He has a plan. On the other hand, i do not believe in predestination. The Lord allows us to go through hard times so that we can grow and stretch ourselves. There are laws on this earth that have consequences. For example, if you have sex, you have a chance of getting pregnant. If you are 16 and have sex, you have a chance of getting pregnant. Everybody knows this and we have our own free will to make the choice whether or not to have sex. There are also technologies out there that allow us to take fertility into our hands. Ultimately, God can make miracles happen. He can allow be to become pregnant, but some things we have to work for. We are saved by grace after all we can do. For some, there is not much work involved in becoming pregnant. For others like me, we have to work. Go to doctors appointments, get poked and prodded, and go through the excruciating pain just to try to fulfill a life-long dream of becoming a mother. Telling me it is on the Lord's time does not make me feel better, it is just lazy. It is easy to fall back on that excuse without thinking about our own choices.
That being said, I do believe that my Father in Heaven loves me and has a plan for me. If I knew that plan, there would be no need for faith. My faith has grown though this experience (although if it were over soon, that would be fabulous). I know that He knows me and my struggles. I know that my Savior has walked this path and is walking it with me. Sometimes, I feel like I am completely alone, but if I ask, I can feel His arms around me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
We are family!
Peter and I have been talking a lot lately about whether or not to tell our family about everything we are going through. My parents and a few select friends are aware of our situation, but that's it. Until last night. I realized that we can't do this alone anymore. I sent an email out to my family and a separate email to Peter's family. Instead of writing the gist of the email, I will just copy it here:
Peter and I have had a lot going on lately and I wanted to catch everybody up. For the past almost 3 years, Peter and I have struggled to get pregnant. Last summer, we started to go to doctors to try to find out what the problem was. We have been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" which basically means all the tests have come back normal and they can't find a reason that we haven't been able to conceive. Since last summer, we have tried a couple rounds of hormone therapy and IUIs . They didn't work. Things seemed to fall into place when we were able to finally sell the Corolla and get health insurance (thanks to Dad). We had some extra money and decided to go see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. It took a month to get an appointment with him but they have a state-of-the-art facility in Frisco. Since we have been to him, I have had doctors appointments almost 1-2 times/week. We just did another round of more intense hormones (I took some pills and gave myself shots) and did a third IUI. We found out a couple days ago that it failed.
I went in for a doctor's appointment today and they did a sonogram and found out that I have two huge cysts on my ovaries. One cyst is normal after a cycle but they will not do treatment if the cysts are over 18cm. I had multiple cysts because of the hormones, one was 44 cm and one was 32 cm. They will not do any treatment until the cysts decrease in size which should take a month or two. The problem is that we only have insurance until July 25. 4 months from now. Our current plan is to try IUI #4 and if that doesn't work, we are contemplating IVF. I say contemplating because IVF costs anywhere from $10,000 to $15,000 and it is not covered under insurance.
We have been silently struggling with this for 3 years and have just now been able to finally open up and "talk" about it. I say "talk" because I am sending an email because if I were to talk to you in person/on the phone I would burst into tears. We have decided to tell the family now because we need the prayers. We have spent hours on our knees asking for help to get through this but we can't do it alone any more. I know this is a lot of information (although I have barely scraped the surface of what we have been through), and I understand that you probably don't know how to handle it with us. I am attaching some links that would be helpful if you would read them. I understand if you don't but it might help you see where we stand. I think it would be helpful if I just told you what we do and don't want. We don't want a pity party, we don't want advise (I have done hours and hours of research on this), we don't want stories about other couples who have struggled then gotten pregnant, and we don't want to be treated any differently-we are reproductively challenged, not dying. We do want support, prayers, and faith. If you have questions, we are happy to share. I would also be happy to email updates every now and then if you would like to receive them, just let me know.
We are still not wanting to tell the world about this. It is very personal and extremely emotional. So, please let us share our struggles with whomever we feel comfortable sharing them with.
Struggling with infertility is exhausting emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. I know that we can trust the family to help us at this time. It is humbling to be the person asking for help, but we need it now more than ever. We love you and are very grateful for you.
This is written by a girl my age struggling with infertility. I read her blog often as it gives me strength.
This is a talk I recently came across that I really appreciate because it explains my feelings while also giving me hope.
This is for you. This link is to help you understand what to do or say to best help us.
Lastly, here is some info on IVF.
I think the letter gave them enough information without overwhelming them with all the details. I decided to email because 1) I didn't want to go over the story over and over and 2) I could make sure I said everything I wanted to say.
I woke up this morning and actually felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My dad, brother, and sis-in-law all sent me really sweet emails in response. My dad said "thanks for sharing your burden with us". I realized that was the reason I felt so much better today. I knew I had people who love me praying for me. And thinking about me. I have been thinking about this all day and am so grateful for my family.
My family is really small and we are all very close. Peter's family, on the other hand, is very big and not as close. We contemplated telling them and decided it would do more good than harm. We still have yet to hear back from one person in his family.
Overall, I am glad we told everybody. I think now is the best time for us. It took a long time to be comfortable with being open about it, but we are finally there.
I really believe that there is strength in numbers. I haven't seen my family since everything has happened, but I really feel stronger since telling them. Thank you, family :)
Peter and I have had a lot going on lately and I wanted to catch everybody up. For the past almost 3 years, Peter and I have struggled to get pregnant. Last summer, we started to go to doctors to try to find out what the problem was. We have been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" which basically means all the tests have come back normal and they can't find a reason that we haven't been able to conceive. Since last summer, we have tried a couple rounds of hormone therapy and IUIs . They didn't work. Things seemed to fall into place when we were able to finally sell the Corolla and get health insurance (thanks to Dad). We had some extra money and decided to go see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. It took a month to get an appointment with him but they have a state-of-the-art facility in Frisco. Since we have been to him, I have had doctors appointments almost 1-2 times/week. We just did another round of more intense hormones (I took some pills and gave myself shots) and did a third IUI. We found out a couple days ago that it failed.
I went in for a doctor's appointment today and they did a sonogram and found out that I have two huge cysts on my ovaries. One cyst is normal after a cycle but they will not do treatment if the cysts are over 18cm. I had multiple cysts because of the hormones, one was 44 cm and one was 32 cm. They will not do any treatment until the cysts decrease in size which should take a month or two. The problem is that we only have insurance until July 25. 4 months from now. Our current plan is to try IUI #4 and if that doesn't work, we are contemplating IVF. I say contemplating because IVF costs anywhere from $10,000 to $15,000 and it is not covered under insurance.
We have been silently struggling with this for 3 years and have just now been able to finally open up and "talk" about it. I say "talk" because I am sending an email because if I were to talk to you in person/on the phone I would burst into tears. We have decided to tell the family now because we need the prayers. We have spent hours on our knees asking for help to get through this but we can't do it alone any more. I know this is a lot of information (although I have barely scraped the surface of what we have been through), and I understand that you probably don't know how to handle it with us. I am attaching some links that would be helpful if you would read them. I understand if you don't but it might help you see where we stand. I think it would be helpful if I just told you what we do and don't want. We don't want a pity party, we don't want advise (I have done hours and hours of research on this), we don't want stories about other couples who have struggled then gotten pregnant, and we don't want to be treated any differently-we are reproductively challenged, not dying. We do want support, prayers, and faith. If you have questions, we are happy to share. I would also be happy to email updates every now and then if you would like to receive them, just let me know.
We are still not wanting to tell the world about this. It is very personal and extremely emotional. So, please let us share our struggles with whomever we feel comfortable sharing them with.
Struggling with infertility is exhausting emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. I know that we can trust the family to help us at this time. It is humbling to be the person asking for help, but we need it now more than ever. We love you and are very grateful for you.
This is written by a girl my age struggling with infertility. I read her blog often as it gives me strength.
This is a talk I recently came across that I really appreciate because it explains my feelings while also giving me hope.
This is for you. This link is to help you understand what to do or say to best help us.
Lastly, here is some info on IVF.
I think the letter gave them enough information without overwhelming them with all the details. I decided to email because 1) I didn't want to go over the story over and over and 2) I could make sure I said everything I wanted to say.
I woke up this morning and actually felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My dad, brother, and sis-in-law all sent me really sweet emails in response. My dad said "thanks for sharing your burden with us". I realized that was the reason I felt so much better today. I knew I had people who love me praying for me. And thinking about me. I have been thinking about this all day and am so grateful for my family.
My family is really small and we are all very close. Peter's family, on the other hand, is very big and not as close. We contemplated telling them and decided it would do more good than harm. We still have yet to hear back from one person in his family.
Overall, I am glad we told everybody. I think now is the best time for us. It took a long time to be comfortable with being open about it, but we are finally there.
I really believe that there is strength in numbers. I haven't seen my family since everything has happened, but I really feel stronger since telling them. Thank you, family :)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Shit.
I am not (normally) somebody who cusses but it is only 10:15 and that is the only word I can use for today. Yesterday, we got some bad news about the business (nothing REALLY bad, but just a bunch of stuff we have to pay). This morning, I went in to get a pregnancy test (I started two days ago but they said I have to get one even if I already started my period) and when I told them I started, they said I didn't need one. The nurse just asked if I wanted to do treatment again this month and I said yes (remember: we only have health insurance until July 25, almost exactly 4 months from now). She got me in for a sonogram where the roof basically caved in on me. They will not do treatment if there are any cysts left over from the last treatment that are bigger than 18 cm. (Cysts are just follicles that may or may not have expelled an egg last cycle.) I had one cyst that was 44 cm and one that was 32 cm and about 20 small cysts. So, Dr. said no treatment this cycle and just call him on day one of next month. NEXT MONTH. This means I will only have up to 3 more cycles left while being on insurance! I am completely distraught and pissed. Not really pissed at anybody, just pissed in general. So I am just supposed to do nothing? This was the first cycle with my RE and now I have to wait at least another month? This also means that I will have to buy another gonal-f pen next time because they expire 30 days after opening. Awesome. This is really one of the worst weeks of my life. Everything that could go wrong has. Monday, I thought that things could only get better, but boy was I wrong. Since then, the bad news has just rolled in like the crimson tide staining my life.
Monday, March 21, 2011
When it rains, it pours
Today sucks. I hate today. Let's see, I started my period. Two days early. I have cramps from hell (they haven't been this bad in months) and it feels like somebody is tap dancing on my uterus. A bunch of our summer salesmen have "cold feet". Peter goes out of town tomorrow so I'm left dealing with all of this on my own. My throat is sore and even cough drops and water don't relieve the pain. So basically nothing good happened today. I usually try so hard to be positive but today I just failed. I literally spent the entire afternoon in bed because I couldn't get myself up until around 4:30. I felt so good about this IUI and my uterus just punched me in the face. I had the perfect amount of follicles, everything went well! I think Peter feels a little guilty because of the low sperm count but it was barely low. I feel like I'm totally useless as a woman. If I can't even get pregnant, I can't raise kids and what's the point? Can I please get a break? I feel like the entire universe is against me. I know I'm being a Debbie Downer, but I really just want to sleep and wake up in a week.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Long week/end
It all started Wednesday with the progesterone test. I guess it was normal because they said that no news is good news and I haven't heard from them. Then, I took my mom to the airport and we talked about going to Steph's shower Thurs night. I decided I wouldn't go because I had so much anxiety over it. I had breakfast with Steph Thursday morning. It was great to catch up and just hang out. She asked about what was going on and I filled her in but I couldn't bring myself to ask about her pregnancy. Just seeing her belly and talking about her kid made me feel like wanting to crawl into a hole. I felt like a bad friend for not asking but I couldn't risk a breakdown in the middle of a restaurant. When I was talking to her, she mentioned that a couple of friends from high school would be at the shower that night. I told her that if I would go I would probably not be able to stay the entire time. She said it was no big deal and she was just happy I would stop by but not to feel any pressure. Because of the way she handled it, I decided I would brave it and just go. She also asked me why I didn't just open up and tell everybody my situation(Her sister has PCOS and is very open about it). I told her that it was very personal and emotional. I didn't want people always asking how things were going. What if they went bad? What if the IUI didn't work and I had to explain it to everybody? It would only make things harder. People who never struggle with this will NEVER understand what it is like to go through this. Or how to react. Or what to say to somebody who wants a baby more than anything but can't seem to make it happen. Just because her sister is open about it does not mean that I should be too.
When I got home, I had to ask Peter to go shopping with me for baby crap. I didn't think I could do it alone. It was actually pretty funny because Peter kept picking out little boy clothes and saying "and they wonder why their kid turns gay" haha. He knows how to lighten (almost) any mood. I got tons of clothes and some shoes for her and a cute little bag and headed out. The shower was not fun but it wasn't horrible either. They had some lame baby games and only one person asked me if we were having a baby any time soon. I just answered with a quick "no" and left it at that. I didn't think I needed to explain anything to anyone. I ended up staying the entire time and at least got a Skor bar out of it. She seemed to really like what I got her so that's nice.
Friday night, we went camping with some friends. It was PERFECT weather and so nice to get away even for just a night. We spent the evening hanging out around the campfire and talking. Everybody there but us had kids and we both felt a little left out. We have really great friends, though, who never ask questions and we really feel accepted even though we don't have any kids of our own. And all their kids are really cute so that helps :). The conversation turned to having a family and the joy that it brings. They kept saying that there is nothing more rewarding than having kids or they never thought it would be as great as it is. I didn't say anything because I feel like I have nothing to contribute. It is like craving chocolate for days and then seeing everybody around you eat chocolate and bragging about how amazing it is while you sit by yourself and watch. But way worse. Luckily the conversation changed fairly quickly but it was still hard.
When we got back Saturday afternoon, we took a little nap then had dinner with some old friends we hadn't seen in a few months. She knew a little bit of what was going on and I briefly caught her up. She said she knows lots of people who struggle with fertility but has almost all of them get pregnant in time. I appreciated her words and that she didn't say "Well, it's on the Lord's time" or "Just relax" or any other stupid comments.
Today (Sunday) I didn't go to church because I have been having cramps. Since Friday, I have been having what feels like monthly cramps on and off. It is really freaking me out. I shouldn't start my period until Wed or Thurs and I don't usually get cramps this early but it still worries me. Why else would I be getting cramps? Maybe it is a way for me to mentally prepare for the BFN (big fat negative) on Wednesday.
I keep getting more and more nervous as Wednesday approaches. We put so much time, energy, and money into this cycle and if it doesn't work, it will feel like a waste. Plus, Peter will be out of town and I have to teach that night at church. I guess I will have to stock up on Dr. Pepper and Rocky Road ice cream this week.
When I got home, I had to ask Peter to go shopping with me for baby crap. I didn't think I could do it alone. It was actually pretty funny because Peter kept picking out little boy clothes and saying "and they wonder why their kid turns gay" haha. He knows how to lighten (almost) any mood. I got tons of clothes and some shoes for her and a cute little bag and headed out. The shower was not fun but it wasn't horrible either. They had some lame baby games and only one person asked me if we were having a baby any time soon. I just answered with a quick "no" and left it at that. I didn't think I needed to explain anything to anyone. I ended up staying the entire time and at least got a Skor bar out of it. She seemed to really like what I got her so that's nice.
Friday night, we went camping with some friends. It was PERFECT weather and so nice to get away even for just a night. We spent the evening hanging out around the campfire and talking. Everybody there but us had kids and we both felt a little left out. We have really great friends, though, who never ask questions and we really feel accepted even though we don't have any kids of our own. And all their kids are really cute so that helps :). The conversation turned to having a family and the joy that it brings. They kept saying that there is nothing more rewarding than having kids or they never thought it would be as great as it is. I didn't say anything because I feel like I have nothing to contribute. It is like craving chocolate for days and then seeing everybody around you eat chocolate and bragging about how amazing it is while you sit by yourself and watch. But way worse. Luckily the conversation changed fairly quickly but it was still hard.
When we got back Saturday afternoon, we took a little nap then had dinner with some old friends we hadn't seen in a few months. She knew a little bit of what was going on and I briefly caught her up. She said she knows lots of people who struggle with fertility but has almost all of them get pregnant in time. I appreciated her words and that she didn't say "Well, it's on the Lord's time" or "Just relax" or any other stupid comments.
Today (Sunday) I didn't go to church because I have been having cramps. Since Friday, I have been having what feels like monthly cramps on and off. It is really freaking me out. I shouldn't start my period until Wed or Thurs and I don't usually get cramps this early but it still worries me. Why else would I be getting cramps? Maybe it is a way for me to mentally prepare for the BFN (big fat negative) on Wednesday.
I keep getting more and more nervous as Wednesday approaches. We put so much time, energy, and money into this cycle and if it doesn't work, it will feel like a waste. Plus, Peter will be out of town and I have to teach that night at church. I guess I will have to stock up on Dr. Pepper and Rocky Road ice cream this week.
Monday, March 14, 2011
My wonderful husband
A few weeks ago, I was in the car with the love of my life and a new Rascal Flatts song came on. I don't usually like them (he has a very nasal-y voice in my opinion) so I changed the station but he immediately put it back and told me that I needed to hear the song. He said that the first time he heard it he had tears in his eyes because he could relate. He isn't usually emotional about everything because he tries to be strong for me. So I don't worry even more than I already do. Listening to the words, it is like he wrote this for me. I can't listen to the song without crying. This whole thing (I'm not really sure what to call it yet) has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, but I do feel like we are better people because of it. I know that our marriage is stronger because of it. We have learned how to communicate differently, lean on each other, and support each other. I think that any time you go through a major life crisis (words of the American Psychiatric Association) with somebody, you naturally create a very special bond. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life who loves me unconditionally. I told him the other day that if I had to choose between having him and having a baby, I would always choose him. Always.
I Won’t Let Go Lyrics
It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that
You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it
Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont
I Won’t Let Go Lyrics
It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that
You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it
Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont
Friday, March 11, 2011
Maybe I'm blessed
Today (or rather late last night) an 8.9 earthquake in Japan which caused a major tsunami on the east coast of Japan. The after effects have hit Hawaii, Alaska, and is heading toward California/Oregon. The power is out in many places, the airports are closed so they can't leave, and hundreds of people are missing.
I really believe that everybody will have some major thing they will struggle with (most of us will have many struggles) in their lives. These people have to struggle with a huge natural disaster and everything that comes with it. They have to struggle with the loss of their homes, injuries, deaths of loved ones, and so much more that I couldn't even imagine. It makes me think that my struggles with trying to conceive are so much more bearable. Yes, it is hard but I know that everybody I love is safe. I am sitting in my house right now with power, water, and food. When something as tragic as this tsunami/earthquake happens, it forces me to put my problems into perspective. I am so blessed. I am just keeping a prayerful heart for those people who have been directly affected from this disaster.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
IUI #3
I just got back from IUI numero 3. It went really well. The Dr. said that I responded really well to the treatment. He said that they were hoping for 2 follicles and since I produced 3 main follicles and a lot more smaller follicles that I responded as if I had done full injections so he will never put me on full injections. YAY!
They also did a semen analysis and found a "slight male factor". Peter's results were much higher when we did the first round of tests in June. The Dr said that it could just be due to variability or a difference in the labs. He said that it it just slight and that the numbers were adequate for an IUI. I am honestly not worried at all but Peter seems worried. He needed to take a drive to process everything which is totally weird coming from him. I NEVER see him worried. He said he would feel bad if it didn't work "because of him". I don't believe that any of this is anybody's fault. I would rather have Peter than a baby and our relationship is what is most important. It is different for me to be the one who is comforting him, but I kid of like the shift in responsibility. I feel so good after the IUI and I hope Peter will not put any of this on himself. I read online that if men take a multivitamin that it can help with their sperm count so I asked the nurse about it. She said that we should definitely try it so we'll get some vitamins tomorrow. She also said that men who work outside in the summer (aka my husband) need to really stay hydrated because the heat can affect his numbers. I'm really not too worried about it.
As for the rest of the news, the 2ww begins! Dr. said that we would try this 1-2 more times and if it doesn't work we will go straight to IVF by summer. Those words kind of scared me because that costs about as much as our car. I'm glad that the Dr. is so confident in his work, though. He said that he has done about 3000 IVFs. Today the IUI was so freakin fast I had to ask if he already did it. It was not painful (the first two were) and it was quick. He said he does 5-10 of these a week so he knows how to get in and get out. Next Wed I go in for a progesterone test and on the 23rd, we find out the news; I hope it's good.
They also did a semen analysis and found a "slight male factor". Peter's results were much higher when we did the first round of tests in June. The Dr said that it could just be due to variability or a difference in the labs. He said that it it just slight and that the numbers were adequate for an IUI. I am honestly not worried at all but Peter seems worried. He needed to take a drive to process everything which is totally weird coming from him. I NEVER see him worried. He said he would feel bad if it didn't work "because of him". I don't believe that any of this is anybody's fault. I would rather have Peter than a baby and our relationship is what is most important. It is different for me to be the one who is comforting him, but I kid of like the shift in responsibility. I feel so good after the IUI and I hope Peter will not put any of this on himself. I read online that if men take a multivitamin that it can help with their sperm count so I asked the nurse about it. She said that we should definitely try it so we'll get some vitamins tomorrow. She also said that men who work outside in the summer (aka my husband) need to really stay hydrated because the heat can affect his numbers. I'm really not too worried about it.
As for the rest of the news, the 2ww begins! Dr. said that we would try this 1-2 more times and if it doesn't work we will go straight to IVF by summer. Those words kind of scared me because that costs about as much as our car. I'm glad that the Dr. is so confident in his work, though. He said that he has done about 3000 IVFs. Today the IUI was so freakin fast I had to ask if he already did it. It was not painful (the first two were) and it was quick. He said he does 5-10 of these a week so he knows how to get in and get out. Next Wed I go in for a progesterone test and on the 23rd, we find out the news; I hope it's good.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
First round with the RE
So I went to go see the RE for the first time at the end of January. Since then, we have done 3 ultrasounds, I can't count how many blood tests, one HSG, one round of clomid, 3 gonal-f shots, and that brings us up to today. The gonal-f pen was totally not a big deal, I though injectables would be a little more intimidating but they didn't even hurt. The only real side-effects I noticed from the clomid is a couple of really bad headaches. I feel blessed that I didn't get too sick or anything. So today was CD12 (cycle day 12) and I went in for another sono so they could count my follicles. I have 3 major follicles which is perfect. They wouldn't do the IUI if I had more than 4 and they said 3-4 is optimal. I brought in my Ovidrel and they gave it to me right there in the office. I go in tomorrow at 1:30 for the IUI. Then starts the longest two weeks. In the fertility blogging world, this is referred as the 2ww (2 week wait). One week from tomorrow, I go in so they can check my progesterone levels. If they are too low, they will put me on meds for that. One week after that, I got in for the big pregnancy test. I'm excited/nervous/scared all at the same time. Peter is going out of town the day before I go in for the pregnancy test so I'll find out without him! I don't want to tell him good news on the phone and I'm afraid of having a breakdown without him here if there is bad news. I guess I can't really dwell on that but I can't really help but constantly think about what will happen in 15 days.
To add to the stress, Steph's baby shower is in a week and a half. I've been struggling with whether or not I should attend. She is my best friend and I'm happy that this is such a great time for her, but this is also the hardest time in my life. She is coming to town just for a few days so it is not like I get to see her very often. I won't know if I'm going until that day. If it is a hard day, I will just stay home and send a gift. I HATE baby showers. I don't like the stupid games, the finger food, or the lame decorations. The hardest part is that everybody has to talk about their baby/pregnancy/delivery stories. I sit there quietly wishing I had something to share. And it hurts. I'm also afraid that I am going to go and everybody will be asking me "Are you next?" "When is your turn?" etc. Especially because we've been trying to have a baby since before Steph even met her husband. I read somewhere recently that spending two hours at your best friend's baby shower is not worth two weeks of crying over ice cream. I have to take care of myself first. In that book that I got from the library, it stresses the importance of taking care of yourself first. If I do get pregnant, I need to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy for that baby. I guess we'll see what I'm up to that night.
To add to the stress, Steph's baby shower is in a week and a half. I've been struggling with whether or not I should attend. She is my best friend and I'm happy that this is such a great time for her, but this is also the hardest time in my life. She is coming to town just for a few days so it is not like I get to see her very often. I won't know if I'm going until that day. If it is a hard day, I will just stay home and send a gift. I HATE baby showers. I don't like the stupid games, the finger food, or the lame decorations. The hardest part is that everybody has to talk about their baby/pregnancy/delivery stories. I sit there quietly wishing I had something to share. And it hurts. I'm also afraid that I am going to go and everybody will be asking me "Are you next?" "When is your turn?" etc. Especially because we've been trying to have a baby since before Steph even met her husband. I read somewhere recently that spending two hours at your best friend's baby shower is not worth two weeks of crying over ice cream. I have to take care of myself first. In that book that I got from the library, it stresses the importance of taking care of yourself first. If I do get pregnant, I need to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy for that baby. I guess we'll see what I'm up to that night.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Welcome
I started this blog weeks ago but have put off writing anything because I didn't know where to begin. Today, I got my inspiration. For now, this blog is completely private for only my eyes (and the hubby). In the future, I would love to make this blog public so other people can read my story. I have felt for months that I should write my thoughts and feelings down. I started a journal that I fell has greatly helped me through this entire process but the time it takes to sit down and write can be a bit overwhelming. I type much faster than I write so a blog is the obvious choice. I have done a lot of reading lately on other bloggers who are going through similar circumstances to us and I have found almost a sense of support from these anonymous bloggers. Often times I feel very alone in my struggle to fertility but reading what these other women go through has helped me cope and feel like I am not alone. Maybe one day somebody can read my blog and it can help them through a hard time in their life.
Today, I went to the library just to find a fiction book to read. I have never been to my local library although I live about a half of a mile away so I decided to venture upstairs and see what was there. It was a reference section and had pictures of different kinds of books that were in those aisles. I saw the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and turned down that aisle. Next to the pregnancy books, I found the book titled, "If at First You Don't Conceive". I decided to pick it up and check it out. Two hours later, I read ever section that pertained to my situation. At first, I got a little sad and Peter suggested that now might not be the best time to read the book. I pushed through the first chapter (The 'what should happen if you are normal' chapter) and I am so glad that I did. The book contained information on each of the medications I am taking, every procedure I have had/will have done, and a lot of helpful information on surviving mentally, emotionally, and financially with infertility. Two suggestions included yoga and writing. Check and check. I love doing yoga and hope to go more often. The writing has slowed down in the past month or so but this blog will hopefully inspire me to do it more regularly.
The title of this blog came from the book. He said that people who struggle with fertility often get the Fertility Crazies. This happens when you and/or your world changes due to infertility. Well, we're officially there people! According to the book, this is completely "normal" but how do you even define normal?
While writing this post, I keep thinking that I can't believe that I am using the word infertility. I never thought this would be a struggle for me, but then again, who does? I have just recently (within the last couple of months) been able to come to terms with the fact that I am officially infertile. It is kind of scary yet liberating to finally put that out there.
Today, I went to the library just to find a fiction book to read. I have never been to my local library although I live about a half of a mile away so I decided to venture upstairs and see what was there. It was a reference section and had pictures of different kinds of books that were in those aisles. I saw the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and turned down that aisle. Next to the pregnancy books, I found the book titled, "If at First You Don't Conceive". I decided to pick it up and check it out. Two hours later, I read ever section that pertained to my situation. At first, I got a little sad and Peter suggested that now might not be the best time to read the book. I pushed through the first chapter (The 'what should happen if you are normal' chapter) and I am so glad that I did. The book contained information on each of the medications I am taking, every procedure I have had/will have done, and a lot of helpful information on surviving mentally, emotionally, and financially with infertility. Two suggestions included yoga and writing. Check and check. I love doing yoga and hope to go more often. The writing has slowed down in the past month or so but this blog will hopefully inspire me to do it more regularly.
The title of this blog came from the book. He said that people who struggle with fertility often get the Fertility Crazies. This happens when you and/or your world changes due to infertility. Well, we're officially there people! According to the book, this is completely "normal" but how do you even define normal?
While writing this post, I keep thinking that I can't believe that I am using the word infertility. I never thought this would be a struggle for me, but then again, who does? I have just recently (within the last couple of months) been able to come to terms with the fact that I am officially infertile. It is kind of scary yet liberating to finally put that out there.
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