Oh the things people say

We went to visit D's family this last weekend in Wisconsin and flew home Monday. It was a nice visit although I realized that I am still not a kid person. I'm not always like, "look how cute" at every little thing they do. I don't want to help change diapers or always play games with them. I'm hoping that something inside of me will change when he is my own.
On another note, the plane ride Monday was a fiasco. I was sitting there and this girl behind me talked the entire time and she had the most annoying voice and Midwestern accent. Somehow she started telling the random guy next to her that she had a friend who got married when she was 19 and wanted to have kids right away. Well 3 years later they haven't been able to get pregnant and want to start fertility treatments. The girl behind me said, "So I was like, slow down! You are living life in the fast lane! You will get pregnant when you are supposed to get pregnant. If you do fertility treatments you'll have like 6 kids at once."
It took a lot for me to stay facing forward and not tell this girl how fertility treatments work. Or how hard it is to want for nothing more in life than to be pregnant and one day be a mother, but that isn't happening. It reminded me of that painful reminder I would get every month that felt like Mother Nature was laughing at me. I realized (again) that unless you go through IF, you have no clue what it's like. I think it is that way with most traumatic experiences. I know she wasn't trying to be mean or anything, but why is it any of her business how/when her young friend becomes a mother? I was 22 when we started ttc. It was the longest 3 years of my life but as I look down and feel him kick right now, I realize that it was all worth it. He is worth waiting for.
To add injury to insult, the plane ride sucked. It was supposed to be just over 2 hours and that turned into 3. There was a really bad storm in Dallas so when we were going down for the landing, it got really bumpy. So bumpy that my motion sickness combined with my morning sickness was not going to end well. I started feeling my mouth water which always happened when I would throw up earlier in the pregnancy. I hadn't thrown up in quite a while but I felt it coming. I got the doggie bag ready and barfed my brains out, in my seat for the entire plane to see/hear. I was mortified, so I started crying and I thought "I could die right here on this plane". Luckily I have the best husband in the world and he called the flight attendants over and asked for some water and napkins. The stupid guy brings a tiny cup of water and like 5 napkins and tries handing it to me while I'm still puking! Hello! Where do you expect me to put that? Idiot. So I finally finish the show and fold up the bag and D puts it on the floor by his feet. The people around me were so nice and gave me these disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer. The female flight attendant brought me a water bottle, a cold beer to put on the back of my neck and a couple plastic bags. Well, as D lifted the doggie bag to put into the plastic bag, it apparently had been leaking! It got all over him and the floor. It was so disgusting. So we were trying to clean up and I just felt horrible. I felt a little better but still sick, I was just embarrassed beyond belief (although playing the pregnancy card automatically makes people more compassionate to you), and then teh worst happened. Instead of landing, the airport closed so we had to circle around for 45 minutes before we could land again! My poor husband was sitting there in my vomit, quite literally for another hour. I can't believe he didn't puke himself because I would have.
It was quite the adventure and I am so glad to be home with my husband, my dog, and my baby.

Pregnant and infertile

I have been thinking lately about this blog. Now that I am expecting, do I continue blogging about infertility? I don't want this blog to turn into a baby diary since I have a personal blog for that. I haven't been able to make a decision until a couple of days ago. I get the Ensign which is a monthly publication that is produced my my church. This month is basically a compilation of inspiring Christmas stories. D and I had decided to read a little scripture and story every night leading up to Christmas just to refocus us on why we celebrate this time of year. The first night, I picked a random story titled the Christmas I Remember Best. I really picked it because it is only one page. As I started reading, my heart began to pump a little harder because I was afraid it was going to talk about a woman who wanted children but couldn't have them. Well, it did. I couldn't even make it through the second paragraph because I started crying! I gave the magazine to mu husband and told him he had to read it because I wouldn't be able to get through it. He read most of the story until the last few paragraphs and the same thing happened to him. It was at that moment that I realized that he has been just as affected by this as I have. I realized that even though we are seeing our dream come true, we will always be affected by our struggle with infertility.
We finished the story but that was when I got my answer of how to proceed with this blog. I probably won't be writing in it as much as I had before, but I know that I will still struggle in the future. Blogging has really helped me deal with my thoughts and emotions and sort through them. I am sure there will be times when I am still hit with a hard day and those are the days that I need this blog. I have said over and over that this blog is for me, not anybody else. I will continue to post as my journey continues.
I have also decided that I definitely want more kids. I don't know if we will have to go through such extreme measures to have more children, but we are willing to make the sacrifice. That may mean that we stay in our tiny starter home for a bit longer so we can afford IVF again, and I have come to terms with that. I don't know what the future holds for me and my family, but I do know that infertility has shaped a large part of who I am and I will never forget where this journey has taken me.

19 weeks tomorrow

I am at the point in this pregnancy where I actually love being pregnant! I am finally showing some so it feels much more real. D loves it, too. He is always touching my belly and saying, "it's just so cute!". I love that he loves it because he is really just as excited as I am. I pretty much just wear sweats now (yay for winter!). I have a pair of maternity jeans but they are still a little big and my regular jeans are ok if I'm standing up but as soon as I sit down, they poke into my belly. I'm not as sick any more which is a blessing from above. I have great days and days where I feel a little nauseous but nothing like the first trimester. I can actually enjoy most foods now but my sense of smell is still heightened. The only thing that sounds really gross is whole chicken breast (not really sure why) and seafood. My belly is really sore. I don't know if that's normal but I think it's just everything stretching. It really has grown a lot in the last few weeks.
On a more exciting note, I can feel the baby move now! Last Thursday night, I was trying to get comfortable in bed since it hurts to sleep on my stomach now. I turned to my left side almost on my stomach and I felt the baby kick me 4 times! It was so crazy and awesome. You can't feel it on the outside yet, but I can totally feel it. Ever since then, I can feel him/her kicking randomly. Usually when I go to bed at night.
We find out the sex on Monday! We are really excited. We will tell the family on Wednesday sine everybody will be home for Thanksgiving. I think it's a girl and D thinks it's a boy. I read people's blogs and they say that they feel like they already know their baby but I really don't feel like that. It's all kind of a novelty to me, I guess. I'm hoping finding out the gender will help me better visualize our baby. I still have time but I just hope that I can create that special bond with my child. I haven't even done anything to prepare for the baby. I haven't bought any baby stuff, I haven't started to get the house ready, I haven't done anything! I think that part of it is still hard for me to believe. I have wanted this for so long and I don't want this pregnancy to fly by. Some days, I still can't even believe that we are pregnant. It is a really weird place, mentally, to be in but I do have to admit that I love being pregnant right now.

Beautiful Heartbreak

I saw this video on FB today and I realized that my struggles are so small compared to what they could be.

IVF pictures

I just wanted to document with pictures our journey to this baby. I don't have tons of pics, but I always want to remember this time.

Here are some pics of us the day of the transfer:



And these are the little embryos that got transferred in! Somehow I lost the actual picture, but I LOVED seeing this little picture.

The day we found out we were pregnant!:

And our little baby at 6 weeks:

Distraction

If anybody out there is considering IVF, I have some advise. I believe that IVF is a very personal and private decision made between couples. I would recommend getting as much information ahead of time as you can and be very prayerful about it. For us, it just felt right. We have had that feeling many times before-where something just "feels right". When we decided to get married, there was no anxiety, no questions, no worries, it just felt right. When we bought our house, it just felt right. Every step of the way in dealing with our infertility felt right (even though 4 IUIs failed). IVF felt right for us. That doesn't mean we didn't do our research, talk to our bishop, consult with doctors and family, it just means that even after all that, we decided to move forward. I understand this might not be the decision for everybody. Some people may choose to adopt, or keep trying naturally.
The only real advise I would give somebody going through IVF is to have a distraction. Work does not count. My distraction was a vacation. We planned a vacation to Boston for the fall. Due to our work schedules, we cannot take vacations in the summer, so it usually happens around October. Well, we haven't been able to take a vacation since we started our business and with everything happening, we decided to make it a priority. Although IVF is quite expensive, we decided to put a tiny bit of money away each month for a vacation fund. I started planning it this summer right as we were going through IVF (which takes about a total of 2-3 months to complete, by the way). It was great because as soon as we decided where we wanted to go (we thought it would be the perfect time of year to visit Boston), I spent my time searching for deals on tickets, entertainment, hotels, etc. It paid off, too because our tickets were only $158! I looked on Groupon for Boston everyday and booked 3 tours through that. We just got back this past week and it was so worth it. Although I was 13-14 weeks pregnant and had to take a nap a couple times, it was so nice to be able to completely relax after such a stressful summer and first trimester. Whenever I was getting down, I would look into what tours we wanted to do or what restaurants we wanted to try. And since the whole thing was planned beforehand, we paid cash for everything! No extra debt which is a huge relief. It was so nice to get away from the Texas heat and not worry about anything but what we wanted to do next.
So, if you are considering IVF, find your distraction-it makes the entire process so much easier to bear when you have something else on your mind.

Public Puking

I did it. I puked in public. The only other time I did that was when I got sea sick on our honeymoon but right now, I am sitting in the Boston airport waiting to go home. Before we checked in, I decided to change from my jeans to a more comfortable track suit because I don't want to have my jeans digging into my stomach for the next 3.5 hours. I decided not to check my jacket because I could use it as a pillow on the flight.
Well, after we checked int, we were walking in to go through the scanners and what not for American Airlines. The AA scanner place is right next to a seafood place that smelled really strong. As we were walking up, I started gagging but wasn't too worried since I do that all the time. Well, I should have worried more. I was walking up the line and up came my lunch. Luckily I was still holding my jacket and that caught everything until I made it to the nearest trash can. I didn't want to carry a nasty puke filled jacket on the plane so I just threw it away (sad, because it was really cute but I don't buy really expensive clothes so it wasn't too hard to let go of). I made it to the bathroom to clean myself off a little bit and luckily nothing got on the rest of my clothes! Once I popped in some gum, we headed back and the airport security guy was nice enough to let us jump to the front of the line so I wouldn't have to be by the smell for longer than necessary. Luckily we got here early, so I got a chicken salad (although I really want some fries...I might just go get some of those, too) and a sprite and feel as good as new. I ALMOST made it through the entire trip without any morning sickness (besides all the gagging, when does that stop?) until I got to the airport to go home. I've been wearing a jacket or a sweatshirt everyday here in Boston so when I went to go clean up in the bathroom, I noticed my belly for the first time! It doesn't look like a real prego belly yet, but it is definitely there. I'm going to take some Zofran now and wait to go home and sleep in my own bed.

Blah

Just when I thought I was getting over morning sickness, it came back at me with a vengeance. Yesterday felt like I was only 6 weeks along again. I pretty much laid on the couch all day and did nothing but add to the mess that I call my house. My head hurt, I gagged at everything, and I all but threw up. Today, I am not feeling as dizzy as yesterday, but I have a horrible headache and all I want to do is sleep even though I've slept tons the last couple of days. The bad part is that I have so much to do since we leave for vacation (Boston here we come!) on Thursday! I need to clean my house, get everything set up for the business, and buy a new pair of shoes for the trip (duh). I'm hoping that I start to feel better ASAP and maybe get some of that stuff done tonight. I really need some new shoes.

Just Peachy

I am 13 weeks and my baby is the size of a peach! That seems pretty big to me but I guess that's about right. It has been almost 2 weeks since I have thrown up...until today. My wonderful husband has been out of town so last night I treated myself to some fajitas from Chilis. Once I got them home, I had one fajita and it wasn't appetizing anymore. I just threw the rest of food into the fridge thinking either Hubby would eat it or maybe I would change my mind. Well, I went into the fridge today and had to run to the bathroom. Don't worry, I made it but it was not good.
Tonight, I met a dear friend for dinner and some shopping. She's due in February so we had lots to talk about. We had a yummy dinner and some delicious pumpkin cheesecake then off for some shopping. Although I'm not really showing yet, I feel like I am getting thicker around the midsection and my normal clothes aren't very flattering anymore. I tried looking for some new clothes in normal stores but found nothing. 15 minutes before the mall closed, my friend told me we have to find a maternity store and go in. We finally found Motherhood Maternity and decided to go in and look. I thought it would be like old lady clothing but it wasn't! I actually bought two shirts! My first maternity clothes. I bought these ruched shirts (buy one get one half off), one short sleeve and one 3/4 sleeve. I really could wear them now and months from now! They had this fake belly in the dressing room so of course, I had to try it on. Then, I put on the maternity shirt on over it and it still fit! It's amazing that there's a shirt that looks normal now and could still look good a few months from now. When I was wearing the pregnant belly my first thought was, "I could never be this big". I'm sure I'll get bigger than that belly, but it's still hard to imagine.

Just what I needed to hear

So this past weekend was General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. According to lds.org, General Conference is defined as, "a semiannual gathering of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. During general conference weekend, Church members and others who are interested gather worldwide in a series of two-hour sessions to receive inspiration and instruction from Church leaders."
On Saturday morning we watched the speakers at our house (with homemade pumpkin bread, might I add). That afternoon, we went to my parents house to watch it there. A talk was given that touched my heart. He talked about the importance of children and not putting off having kids. Similar talks have been given but his took a turn when he said:

The bearing of children can also be a heartbreaking subject for righteous couples who marry and find that they are unable to have the children they so anxiously anticipated or for a husband and wife who plan on having a large family but are blessed with a smaller family.

We cannot always explain the difficulties of our mortality. Sometimes life seems very unfair—especially when our greatest desire is to do exactly what the Lord has commanded. As the Lord’s servant, I assure you that this promise is certain: “Faithful members whose circumstances do not allow them to receive the blessings of eternal marriage and parenthood in this life will receive all promised blessings in the eternities, [as] they keep the covenants they have made with God.”

I couldn't hold back the tears.
Growing up in the church, we are taught the importance of families and children from the time we are little. I have taught the youth of the church for the last 3-4 years and I have, at times, felt like a hypocrite. I always wanted children, but I wasn't having any and there I was teaching them that their greatest callings would be to become mothers one day. Would I ever be a mother? What kind of example was that? When we got married, the question always came, "when are you going to start having kids?" That is one of the most hurtful things you could say to somebody who wants kids but can't have them. First of all, it's none of your business. Secondly, I want to start now but the Lord has a different plan for me.
There have been so many times that I have been in the darkest of moments and have questioned whether or not God wanted me to be a mother. I wondered if He heard my prayers. I wondered if He forgot about me. I was asking for something righteous but the prayers still went unanswered. Once Elder Anderson said this, I realized that He does know me and love me. He obviously thought I was strong enough to go through this trial so it was up to me to step up and do the best I could.
I realized how lucky we really are to be having a child. I know that our journey with fertility is probably not over. We do want more children but it could take us another 3 years to get to that point. Since there hasn't been any real diagnosis, we are not sure what the future holds, but I know that I can do it. I know that the Lord trusts me with this mortal trial. My heart goes out to those out there who are still trying to become parents. I know it is hard, but the Lord has promised us that we can receive all the promised blessings in the eternities.

I have never heard a talk given at Conference that regarded infertility but I am so glad that we are led by divine inspiration for trials that are current. I know that God loves each of His children, even me. I know that He hears my prayers, even though sometimes it feels like I'm alone. I don't know why I am blessed enough to have a child now, but I am so humbly grateful to be given this opportunity.

Rock Star Momma

So I bought this cute book the other day called Rock Star Momma. I've been reading it and while I don't necessarily agree with everything she says, I do love the idea of looking great and therefore feeling great. In the book she said that now that you are expecting, you need to have a new mantra, "Embrace the new you". I have to admit that I've had a hard time lately dealing with the fact that I am now pregnant. After trying to get pregnant for so long, it is a weird change to all of the sudden be pregnant. My mind had to suddenly shift and it has taken some getting used to. I know that it sounds vain, but I have been freaking out a little bit knowing that my body is going to change forever. I hear it all the time from other moms that their bodies will never be the same again. I have noticed that my body is going through some weird changes right now although I'm still missing that pregnant belly. But, once I read the new mantra, I decided to embrace the new me. No more worrying about what may happen. I am going to embrace the new me. I am going to take everything about pregnancy and love it.
I have been struggling with the idea of completely changing my identity. Up until this point, I have been a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a student, a business owner and a bunch of other things-but never a mother. I know that being a mother is the highest and greatest calling a woman can have but is it going to change who I am? I'm sure I will change but I think I can also still be me. I probably sound like a crazy woman and most people out there who get pregnant never think about this stuff, but I'm a little nuts I guess. Again, I am going to embrace the new me.

Coach, Michael Kors, Louis Vuitton

My purse has totally gotten a makeover the last couple of months. First of all, there's no need anymore for those pesky tampons or liners (WAHOO!). On the other hand, I've had to add quite a few things to my purse and it now looks like the inside of a CVS. Zofran-don't leave home without it. My morning sickness is so random and never happens at the same time so I have to carry it with me all the time. Along the same lines, my purse is now always stocked with some kind of snack. Usually crackers (today it's a gluten free brownie-yum) or something to hold me over so I don't die of starvation while I'm out. Instead of carrying Aleve, I now carry Tylenol. Apparently that's the only pain medicine that pregnant people can take so that's in my purse now too. And as of today, I added Tums. Yes, I've started the heartburn stage. I remember taking Tums when I was younger and hating the chalky nasty taste. Today, I bought the mixed berry flavor and they actually taste pretty good! No wonder I see pregnant women chomping on those things like they're going out of style.
This whole pregnancy thing is so crazy. My body is going through all these changes that I can't really describe but I'm trying to keep up. Luckily, I have the help of some medications.

The entire story

Well, now that we are coming out of the infertility/pregnancy closet, I think it's about time to write our entire story. We got married in June 2006 and I hadn't really thought about when I would want to have kids. I figured I would know when the right time came.
Fast forward a couple years later, and I was "ready" to start trying. I didn't really know what to expect. I didn't expect to get pregnant the first month or anything and we were pretty relaxed about it. After about a year, I started to worry a little bit but thought that since I was so young (23 at the time) that I should give it a little more time. Then, I was in my last semesters of school and we were starting a business, so we decided to wait it out for a little longer. After trying to conceive for 2 years, we went to the doctor. We didn't have any insurance and the cheapest/easiest way to start the entire process was to get D tested. His test results came out normal. This was great news, but to me, that meant that something was wrong with me. I made excuses about going to the doctor (let's wait until the summer is over, it is expensive, we don't have any insurance, etc.) because I was scared. I was scared that I would go and they would tell me something was wrong and I could never have a kid.
After talking to our wonderful Bishop, he convinced me that it would be better to know than to have the worst-case-scenario running through my head all day. So, we made an appointment with my Ob/Gyn. We went and did some simple tests, and they all came back normal. We had decided to do an un-medicated IUI. This was in September 2010. That IUI failed. The next month, we decided to do another IUI with clomid. That failed. IUIs were really stressful and emotional. It was really the first infertility treatment that we did so that was nerve-wracking. We decided to take a little time off so we could actually enjoy our holidays.
During that time, my dad got a letter from his work stating that thanks to Obama, my dad's kids could be on his healthcare plan starting January 1st until we turned 26. What great news!!! The bad news was that I turned 26 July 25th which gave us less than 8 months. Well, we another visit with the Ob/Gyn and we decided to move a little more quickly and go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Since we only had a limited amount of time with insurance, we wanted to make the best of it. She referred us to an awesome doctor in Frisco. It took about a month to have a meeting with him which put us at the end of January giving us only 7 months.
We did a bunch of tests for about a month and everything came back normal. We did another IUI with Gonal-F injectables. Fail. We tried it one more time. Fail.
Then, was the next major choice. We decided to move forward with IVF (read about it here). IVF was a long, hard process but 100% worth it. We are now on our way to becoming first time parents thanks to modern day science and countless prayers.

This has been the hardest trial of my life and it cannot really be put into words here on a blog. Although it has been really hard, I have learned a lot and grown a lot. I feel like this entire thing has really made me stronger. I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father. I have learned how to really use the Atonement in my life. My relationship with my husband has been strengthened. I think I have become more empathetic. I realize now that so many people are out there silently struggling with their own problems. I have also come to realize that we are so blessed. Now that we are finally expecting a little one of our own, I am so excited to love them. We are so blessed to be trusted with one of the Lord's special spirits here on this earth.

11 weeks 6 days

I haven't written in a long time, mostly because I haven't had anything new to report. I've still been sick, nausea, vomiting, eating like crazy, etc.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about everything: pregnancy, becoming a mom, that little person growing inside of me.
I have been noticing my body changing lately. I went to the doctor today and have gained 3 pounds! I know that is not a ton, but I now officially am the heaviest I've ever been. My pants still fit fine, but I have noticed a little "pooch" when I wear certain shirts. In fact, last night was the first night D noticed my belly. It was after I had eaten, so it was sticking out but still. Then, I just keep forgetting everything! Pregnant people always blame things on "pregnancy brain" and now I completely understand! I totally forget stuff all the time. I have so many things on my mind and everything else just falls by the wayside.
I've also thought about this little person inside of me. Sometimes it doesn't feel real yet, but I can't help but think about what he/she will look like, or what hobbies they will have, or what characteristics of ours they will get.
We heard the heartbeat for the first time yesterday. It was kind of weird to realize that there are 2 hearts inside of me! It was really cool to hear, though. It was going at a steady 161 beats per minute. It is nice to know that everything I have been feeling/going through is actually for something real!
Then, I started thinking that this is real! I am going to be a mom! I really hope that I'm a good mom. It is really intimidating to think that somebody's life will quite literally be in my hands.
Well, I'm coming out of the pregnancy/infertility closet tomorrow. I'm really excited to share our good news with everybody but I feel like it makes this whole thing real. We tried for more than three years to share this news. I have always thought about how I would tell my friends/family that we are expecting, and now we are doing it! It is a weird shift in the mentality of dealing with infertility and trying to conceive to being pregnant. I have waited for this all my life and while it is exciting, it is a little scary for me. I guess we'll see how it goes.

No more progesterone!

Tuesday was my last progesterone shot!!! YAY! I'm so glad I'm done with all the shots! I'm hoping that I will start to feel a little bit better now that I won't be pumping more hormones into my body. I just want to get this first trimester done with so I can start to tell people, get a little belly, and hopefully feel better.

8 weeks

Well "morning" sickness is more like all day sickness. I sleep in, and lay either on the couch or in bed for most of the day. I don't want to complain, but I'm miserable! I can't even clean my house or make dinner. Meat just grosses me out and any little smell makes me gag. I am usually a very productive person, but lately I just can't find the energy to do anything. I think it's really getting to me because I get really sad sometimes like I'm this failure. There are tons of other pregnant women out there who are working or raising other kids and I'm laid up here in bed. It's awful. Luckily, it is cooling down here (90's instead of 100 degree temperatures) so we are making a point to go to a local park an walk our little pooch.
There's not much to report besides that. I just keep telling myself that the sickness means the baby is growing. Hopefully this will pass soon.

7 weeks

I wish it was more like 17 or 27 weeks, but I will just enjoy this journey. We had our first ultrasound on Wednesday! It was so awesome. First, we see this huge black empty sac which I guess in the gestational sac. Then we got to see our little munchkin. They checked for a twin, but there was no evidence of another baby. I thought I would be sad if there weren't twins, but I actually felt a little relieved. It was so surreal seeing that little baby inside of me. I have waited almost 3.5 years (or really my entire life) to see that. I was 6 weeks and 5 days along and the baby measured 6 weeks and 1 day but they said it was totally fine. It is 4.64 mm and it's crazy how such a little thing can make me so sick. We even got to see the little heartbeat. That was what made me cry. It was racing at 125 bpm. It was such a wonderful feeling to know that this is real. I think I cried 15 times on Wednesday just thinking about it.
They also checked my ovaries and my right ovary has 9 cysts still from the retrieval and the left has 2 cysts. She said they are still swollen and will be for another couple of months.
We finally told D's family. Everybody was so excited for us and so supportive. We really are lucky to have so many people surrounding us who love us so much.
I asked the doctor for a prescription for the morning sickness and he gave me these pills that you put on your tongue and it just dissolves. It is a lifesaver. I still feel a little icky, but no nausea and no throwing my guts up. Amazing. I don't know why more women don't take it. They said there is virtually no side effects and completely safe for baby. I feel like I eat all the time. I just eat every couple of hours so when I do eat, I don't eat much. And I think due to a lack of working out and still having swollen ovaries, I feel like a chubby version of me. Maybe it's just in my head but I don't really think so.
I want to end on a happy note. This week, my baby will double in size and be the size of a blueberry. Awww :)

Morning sickness???

I am 6 weeks along as of yesterday. Yesterday, I slept in until 10:30! I just did not feel 100%. My stomach kept turning and I felt dizzy. Not nauseous really, just dizzy and walking around made it worse. We had plans with some friends to go to dinner then a rodeo and I didn't really want to bail. I decided to go to dinner then see how I felt. After dinner, I was actually feeling pretty good!
Today, the same thing happened. I thought it might just be in my head but I actually threw up a little today. Although I felt pretty crappy, I got a little excited! Me getting sick means I'm actually pregnant and the baby is growing! I can't believe I'm pregnant! So I have been laying on the couch the last two day straight feeling like crap but its ok because I'm pregnant!!!

I did it

I cried at a commercial. A diaper commercial! Usually, I would be a little bitter or jealous, but I cried out of happiness! What's happening to me?

603

That was my second beta number last Monday. They said it was a great number. I get my first ultrasound on the 24th then a week later, on the 31st, we go to the obgyn. I'm kind of sad to be leaving the fertility clinic because everybody there has been so great. On the other hand, moving to the obgyn is kind of like graduating! I could have a normal pregnancy like the rest of the fertiles out there!
I haven't really had many pregnancy symptoms except for the fact that when I am hungry, I'm starving! I guess I'm only 5 weeks so it's not like I'll be having huge symptoms yet.
The progesterone shots are killing me. Both of my hips have knots and bruises all over them. Obviously, I am not planning on swimming any time soon. They also itch sometimes and hurt so bad that I can't lay on my sides. They said that at my next appointment on the 24th, they will start to wean me off the progesterone, so I can't wait for that. They are by far the most painful of the shots I've done to this point. I just keep telling myself it is all worth it.

Happiness hit her like a train on a track

I love Florence and the Machine and all day today I just have the song in my head "Dog Days are Over". I know I should be happy all the time, but yesterday's news has hit me like nothing else. I took a home pregnancy test today just to make sure it was still true. It was not just a faint line, it was an obvious positive! I can't believe it. I have never felt this happy before, except for my wedding day. I am the luckiest person in the whole world today.

Holy Guacamole!!!

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!

I just found out today but I didn't want to forget this day so I wanted to write down how everything happened today.
I was so nervous last night that I didn't sleep at all. I mean probably less than an hour of sleep. D had to work this morning so around 8:30 I headed to get my blood taken for the pregnancy test. I didn't take one home pregnancy test because I knew it would mess with my head. When I was sitting there in the waiting room, it was all I could do to not cry. I have never been that nervous in my entire life.
While the nurse was taking my blood she said they had 30 pregnancy tests that day! She said that they get the test results back around 1:30 but don't worry if they don't call right away. Of course I couldn't concentrate on anything today so I just came home and took a nap for a little bit. Then, I was watching Roseanne reruns because nothing is on TV during the day. Then it came: the call. Peter was on the phone with somebody and I yelled at him to hang up and get over here. I picked up the phone and
the nurse said: Elizabeth?
me: yes
nurse: Congratulations! You're pregnant!!!
I immediately just put my hand over my mouth and started crying. About a minute later, I said: "Ok. Now what?" She said they look for a beta number over 50 and mine was 199! I go in for a second blood test Monday to make sure the number is still going up. Then, when I am 7.5 weeks along (I'm 2 weeks along right now), I go in for a sonogram! I'm really hoping for twins, but I will be happy either way.
After we hung up the phone, I just sat there crying with D and saying "oh my gosh" over and over. Finally, I had to call my mom. I was still crying so when I said, "Mom," she was like, "oh no, what's wrong?" Then I just said, "You're going to be a grandma!" She was crying and screaming and yelling at my dad and grandma (they are in California with my grandma right now) to come over to the phone. Everybody was crying and yelling and it was awesome. I talked to both of my brothers and everybody was just so excited. My family has been with us every step of the way during this IVF process so it was nice to celebrate with my family. We also prayed to thank our Heavenly Father for the great news.
I called my one other friend who has struggled with fertility and been with me every step of the way. She started crying and celebrating with me and it was just so great to share that moment with somebody else who knows how it feels to be in this kind of situation.
I hadn't been able to eat all day so I cleaned the running mascara off of my face and we went to celebrate at Chili's. Yeah, we're high class. About half way through my meal, I realized how tired I was. I went home and took a 2 hour nap. I could finally sleep. I have to admit that I have cried on and off all day now.
I still can't believe it! I don't feel pregnant. Whatever that feels like. I can't help but be so freaking excited. Everything was worth it. I know I shouldn't count my chickens quite yet, but I can't help it. I don't really know what to do now, but I'm so excited to start a family. I have the greatest husband and family and now my dream has come true! I can't believe it. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

1 week to go

One week from right now, I will know if I am pregnant. I try to imagine my reaction, good or bad. Will I cry? Cuss? Scream? Be speechless? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Today was a rough day. I still have this annoying cough and it makes me want to puke. I started putting the dishes away earlier today and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up but nothing came out. Then, D came home and I decided I should venture out and get some fresh air. As I was in the bathroom getting ready, I started coughing and threw up a little bit. What is the deal? I don't feel nauseous but I have this pukey feeling. I don't really know how else to describe it. I have also been getting these cramps but after doing some research, I found out that it is pretty normal after the transfer. I'm so nervous. I'm scared that something I do will ruin everything. Like coughing too much or working too hard. Luckily my job and my wonderful husband allow me to just rest and incubate these little babes.

1.5 week wait

It started. The dreaded wait. I have been on bed rest which, unless you are sick, is totally sucky. I am so bored! Luckily I got some work done today. Plus, my mom came over and got today's lunch, tonight's dinner, and tomorrow's lunch all ready for me. It's the little things like that that totally make a difference.
Well, the embryologist called today and said none of our embryos matched the criteria to freeze. I was ok until I said it out loud to D. That means if this cycle doesn't work, there is no back up plan. I guess I was a little too hopeful when I found out how good our embryos were before the transfer. I thought to myself that if these were so good, we would have at least a couple more to freeze. I started crying and got this sick feeling that if they weren't able to be strong enough in "ideal" lab conditions, how could the ones in my uterus be expected to make it? I still have that sick feeling, but I'm trying to be hopeful. This whole thing is so up and down, it is hard to digest at times.
I'm still coughing some, but it is getting better. Tomorrow I'm not on bed rest, but I plan on doing as little as possible so that I can create a good environment for my little babes.

Day 5

Last night was quite long. I took that cough syrup with hydrocodone and I couldn't sleep at all. Usually that stuff makes me pass out but I felt like I was outside of my body. Between that and my nerves, I hardly slept at all. I woke up early this morning, got all ready, ate a good breakfast, and did a little bit of work to get my mind off today. I was really calm all morning and we headed to the lab. My mom met us there and we were showed back to our room. I put my cute little gown on and waited for the embryologist to come in. The nurse had me take a valium even though I didn't think I needed it. I really had been so calm all day. I held it together until the embryologist gave me a picture of my little embryos! I got all teary eyed. He said that the bigger embryo is B/B and the smaller one is A/C. I was a little worried that the weren't A's but both the doctor and embryologist said they were beautiful embryos. Dr. Barnett said most of the pregnancies they get are from B/C embryos so mine were outstanding. He said if they were bad, he would tell us not to get our hopes up, but we were looking great.
So, they came in and rolled me back. It is really cold back there, apparently embryos don't like the heat or the light. So on top of being cold, I was so shaky! They put this camera on the embryos that showed up in the room and instantly, everybody was like, "wow, those look great!" From the time they took the picture (about 30 minutes), to then, the A/C embryo went to an A/B! How crazy! Well, 5 minutes later, it was done! No pain, not even from the stitch they had to put in. Dr. said he thought we would have a harder time but it went great. He said he can't make any promises, but all the controllable factors were perfect. He said he is really pleased with everything. I am so happy I can hardly contain myself!
I am still worried about my cough because when I cough, everything contracts down there. I feel great. I've felt a few uterine contractions, but really light and quick, nothing painful at all. Bedrest will be pretty annoying the next couple days, but I'd do anything for those little babes in there.

Day 4.5

I can't believe it! In 13 hours, I will be in the stirrups getting impregnated. Haha. It sounds funny to say just like that. Here's a brief overview of the last few days.
Day 1: The day after the retrieval, the embryologist called and said that 18 of the eggs were big enough for ICSI. I have to think that 10 were wasted, but they said that 18 was an excellent number. He said that of the 18,, 15 were fertilized. Wahoo!
I also emailed the Meals on Wheels volunteer coordinator to tell her I wouldn't be able to deliver this next Thursday because I was doing IVF. She emailed me back and is in her second round of IVF and had a positive beta test! We went back and forth a few times. Sometimes, it is just good to know you are not alone. She was so sweet and emailed me Monday asking how the retrieval went. Turns out, she even heads up an infertility support group and even goes to the same clinic as me (with the other doctor)! What a small world.
I had started this annoying cough the day before and every time I coughed, I could feel the pain in my lower abdomen. Hopefully it will go away soon.
Day 2: They said I should be feeling pretty sick on this day but I was actually fine. I had been drinking tons of water and gatorade and felt pretty good. My belly was pretty swollen, though and the bloating was obvious. I had been going crazy just hanging out at home so we went to my parents' and hung out there.
We also started the progesterone shots this day in my him. Those shots suck and I am still sore!
Day 3: I turned 26! It was a crappy birthday, though. First of all, I had to have my annual cry that I am 26 with no children, but I was also feeling really sick. The nausea had hit me and although I dry-heaved a few times, I only threw up once. My cough had also worsened. I got all doped up on robitussin and rested most of the day. Swelling had gone down a little bit, but I still had the bloated feeling
Day 4 (today): I woke up this morning feeling AWFUL. My throat hurt, my chest hurt, and I coughed up a lung. I called my RE (I don't know why I hadn't done that earlier)and they called in some prescriptions for me. One is this cough syrup that has hydrocodone in it. Then they gave me these "pearls" that I swallow and they numb my throat. LOVE those. They also said to take some Mucinex to breakup the congestion in my chest. I feel better than earlier, but still not 100%. They said I can continue to take the stuff the next few days and they are safe during pregnancy-who knew?! I hope I'm better for tomorrow so my body isn't trying to fight some virus while I am trying to get pregnant.
Tonight, we cleaned the house, D went grocery shopping, and I'm trying to relax and be ready for tomorrow. The swelling has totally gone down now and I'm feeling much better down there.

I'm nervous, excited, and a little more calm that I would have thought. Maybe that's just due to the hydrocodone, though :)

Day Zero

So here's the story. Two days ago, D gave me the trigger shot in my hip. Thanks to the great advise of his cousin's wife, I iced it beforehand. When he put it in, I felt the smallest prick and thought he hadn't done it yet. He said he already had and was already putting in the medicine. I really didn't even feel a thing. YAY!
Yesterday, I was feeling a little dizzy/nauseous all day. It wasn't really bad, just bad enough to be really annoying because I couldn't really do much without feeling like a poopstain. To top it off, I started this annoying cough that still hasn't ceased. I got this really nice message from the anesthesiologist on Thursday night reminding me not to eat or drink anything and he looked forward to meeting me in the morning. How nice is that? I went to bed last night but couldn't sleep at all. I think I fell asleep around 5 for about an hour or two but that's it. Luckily, I knew I would be sleeping the next day so I wasn't too worried about it.
6:45 rolls around this morning and D was already in the shower. I got up, brushed my teeth, and put on a t-shirt and drawstring pants and was ready to go. It only takes about 30 minutes to get to the office, but we got there in record time today, only 20 minutes. We checked in and walked back to the room. My doctor's office is pretty sweet. One part is the regular office and the other part is its own lab/"operating" room. I'd never been to the Lab part before, so I was surprised about how hospital-y it looked. I had put my gown on and they hooked up the IV. The nurse told me there were 4 retrievals that morning and I would be #3. I settled in and watched some morning TV (which generally sucks by the way). just about 35 minutes later, my Dr. came in and told me it was my turn! I kissed my sweet husband and was off. I got to the operating room and moved to the other bed. The anesthesiologist said he was giving me something to relax me. I felt woozy right away and I was gone. Next thing I know I am waking up in room #4 again. My parents were there the whole time and came back with D once I got there. I vaguely remember them coming in. What I do remember was my Dr. coming in. I asked him how many eggs we got and he said 28!!! Holy cow, I'm an egg-making queen!



Apparently, I kept asking D the same questions over and over. I kept asking if my parents came in and how many eggs I had. Every time he told me 28, I started crying. He said I did that about 6 or 7 times. Last night I read this story so I guess it was on my mind. When the nurse came in, I asked, "I didn't tell you about deviled eggs did I?" She laughed a little and looked at D who tried to briefly explain. Luckily, I hadn't...until then. She asked my pain level and I said 5 so she gave me some meds and the next time she asked, I told her 1.75. I just wanted to keep sleeping, but I was waking up and we were ready to go home. My parents were already back here and I went straight to bed.
I have felt a little dizzy all day but generally pretty good. They prescribed some vicodin which we picked up but I haven't needed it yet. After dinner (around 7 or so) I really started feeling great. I still have that annoying cough and every time I cough, I feel it by my ovaries, but other than that I feel fine! My Dr. said to be careful since they got so many that I would be pretty sick by Sunday so we will see. I am spotting very lightly but they said that is normal. I feel great and happy and excited. I find out tomorrow how many fertilized!
They said today is day zero so the transfer will be Wednesday. Wahoo!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the retrieval! I can't believe it. I'm so freakin' nervous and excited! I have a feeling that things will go well. My family came over tonight despite the fact that it is my parents' 27th anniversary. We hung out and talked about the upcoming week and my husband, dad, and brother gave me a priesthood blessing. I felt such a peace afterward and I am so glad I have such a wonderful family. We will see what tomorrow holds!

IVF Update 2 & 3

I went in for my second sono/blood work on Friday. I had more follicles and they were growing at a rate of about 2 mm/day which is right on track! They kept my meds the same for that night at 225. I went in again Saturday morning and they had grown 3 mm literally over night! I had been having some sharp pains on my left side and luckily my husband was there and he asked if that was normal. The said it was normal especially since I had been growing so fast. I forget how many follicles I have now but it is over 20 which is just crazy to me. I mean, as I sit here right this minute, they are getting bigger! Weird. My Dr. was actually there on Saturday an I hadn't seen him in a while so it was good to follow up with him. He said I am progressing beautifully but he didn't want me to have too many follicles so he cut my meds back down to 150. No problem! He then said I'll go in again Monday and Wednesday. If I'm ready Wednesday, I'll take the trigger shot that night and the retrieval will be Friday! So crazy. I honestly can't believe we are doing this.
I've been feeling better lately. I'm not AS envious of the preggos walking around. I can look at other babies and not want to cry. For some reason, I really think the Lord has blessed me with some hope and happiness. I feel good and calm and optimistic. Everything else that we've done (the 4 IUIs), I have always felt something inside telling me that it won't work. This is the first time I don't feel that but I'm scared to get too excited. It's really a weird feeling, but I'm just trying to do the best I can.

IVF Update

Today was the first sonogram since I started the Gonal-F. I had 12 follicles in my right ovary and 6 in my left. They were all little guys with the largest being 6.5 cm but they said it looked great! The sonographer always says that my left ovary sits really far to the left so I always have to press really hard and hold my breath when she looks for it. It is not really fun and since I am pressing down where I have been giving myself shots, it was extra uncomfortable today. I just keep telling myself, "This is for you, Baby" haha. I know it sounds stupid, but I think it helps. They did some blood work and called back today and said to keep doing the 225 ml. I did 300 Sunday and Monday and 225 starting yesterday. I go in again on Friday and they will see how quickly they follicles are growing. I am on day 4 of the cycle (I started the stimulation meds on Sunday) and they said the retrieval is usually between days 9-13. That means it could be as early as Monday but probably later next week! It all depends on how I react to the medicines. I'm not feeling any side effects from the medication except for some hot flashes and headaches. The hot flashes are usually pretty fast but the headaches can last for hours. Other than that, I'm pretty lucky.
We asked them when we bring in D's sample and they said he collects while I am in the retrieval! What a crazy time but that is when it has to be done. This is so nerve wracking, I'm sure especially for him but we're just trying to stay positive.
I just have to say how much I love my fertility clinic. I always have the same sonographer, there are 3 nurses that I deal with and they all know exactly what is going on and what to do. My doctor is so knowledgeable and understanding. I feel so comfortable when I am there.
For some reason, I always cry as we are leaving the clinic. I think it is because I really can't believe that I am going through this. I can't believe that I am doing IVF! It's just crazy to me but it will hopefully all be worth it.

Announcements

4 more. 3 more people I know are pregnant. Here's how it went down in order from worst to best.
#1: I found out one girl is pregnant because she posted her ultrasound picture on FB. I will never do that. She doesn't know about us trying IVF.
#2: Somebody else told me she was on bedrest for a little bit because she was pregnant. She is the smallest person I know so when I saw her yesterday, she already had an obvious belly. She hid it behind some loose clothing for the last few months and is due in December. She didn't make some huge announcement and just waited for people to come up to her. It was nice because I could process it then make a comment when I was ready. She doesn't know about us trying IVF.
#3: I get a text saying "I have really been praying for you and hope IVF works for you. We found out that we are pregnant and I just wanted to tell you. I would love to have kids around the same time as you." I really appreciated her telling me this way. I didn't have to hide the tears in my eyes. I didn't have to find out (like everybody else) on facebook. I didn't have to pretend I was happy on the phone. I cried, then I texted her back and thanked her and told her I was happy for her. And I am because they have the cutest little girls and they love me :)
#4: I have a dear friend who has bee the one to help me through my TTC journey since day 1. She struggled for 4 years before she was able to adopt the cutest little boy I've ever seen. 3 months later, she had her own little girl! She came over on the 4th of July for some BBQ. Her kids are just over a year old now and we were hanging out and I asked her if they were considering having another one. Usually, I don't ask people that knowing how I've struggled, but her and I can talk really openly about ttc. She told me she wanted to tell me that they just found out they are expecting! She found out last week and has only told her family. I guess it just happened (she has PCOS) naturally. Tears welled up in my eyes, not because I was sad that it wasn't me, but because I was truly happy for her. For some reason, I don't get hurt/sad/upset when I find out that somebody who has struggled with IF becomes pregnant. I'm not really sure why and I don't know if I'll ever get over that. I am just so excited for her and can't wait to see her new little one. She'll have 3 kids under 2!

IVF Update

I have tons to catch up on so I'll be doing a string of posts. The Lupron is going ok. I forgot the first day but I took it that night then again the next morning. That day, I got some hot flashes and got really dizzy but I've been fine since then. For some reason the shots hurt more than the gonal-f. I don't know if it's because there's maybe more medicine I'm putting in or if the needle is bigger, but I ahve to pause halfway through because it hurts. Then, it's read around the area and uncomfortable for about an hour then I'm fine. My last day of birth control was Saturday and I just started my period today (Wednesday). It was kind of nice, though since Monday was the 4th of July and I spent the majority of the day outside so I'm glad I didn't have to deal with day one then. Yesterday, we went to a water park so that was nice as well. I called the doctor's office this morning. I love the office staff. The nurses are so nice and knowledgeable. I start gonal-f on Sunday and take that for 3 days (300, 300, 225 ml). Then I have an appointment Wednesday for a sono and blood work. Then I'll go in every couple days to see when I'll be ready for the trigger shot. It is weird that we are actually in this for real. It is crazy to me that my life has led me here but I'm excited and really nervous at the same time.
So how am I dealing with it? Well, I was watching Marley & Me the other day while cooking dinner. I have this awesome thing where I don't remember movies after seeing them for some reason. It's great because I can watch them over and over and not really remember what happens next! I know (Spoiler Alert!) that the dog dies at the end but that's it. Well, there is this scene where she tells her husband that she's pregnant. Little tears well up in my eyes but I hold them back. Then, they go to the doctor for their first sono and they find out she lost the baby. BIG tears now. Right then, D walks in the door and sees my and asks what's wrong. I started bawling. What if that happens to me? I had not really thought of the possibility before. I've thought what it might be like if the IVF doesn't work, but what if it does only for me to miscarry? What if we go through all of this, get all excited at a BFP and then it is all ripped from my hands? I don't think I could handle that.
IVF is constantly on my mind. I used to really like the song Stronger by Sara Evans. One day, I was thinking about this whole TTC journey and the song came on. I think I have become stronger but not I can't listen to the song. I know it's about a breakup but I always think of my IF struggle. I just keep telling myself it will all be over-for better or worse-in about a month.

Crazy Luperon

Ugh. Gag me. I found out that 4 people I knwo are pregnant this week. One has only been married 7 months and is 2.5 months along. "It only takes one time" according to her. I want to punch her in the throat.
What a headache. I am supposed to be starting Luperon today.
Problem #1: So Luperon is on back-order and they don't know when they are going to be getting it again. Apparently the company that makes Luperon moved to Canada and didn't get the right permits to sell it in the U.S. So they are compounding the medication and I had to order it from another pharmacy.
Problem #2: I called my original pharmacy on Thursday and they said it would take at least a week to get! I needed it by Wednesday so I could start it today.
Problem #3: So, on Monday, I called my Dr's office because I hadn't heard from the second pharmacy yet and they should have called me on Thursday. The said the first pharmacy never faxed over the orders! Luckily they told me they would overnight it to me so I got it Tuesday.
I went in for a sonogram today and a medication consult so they could give me my first Luperon injection.
Problem #4: The lab at my RE's office is closed so I can't start the Luperon yet! My Dr didn't get there until later so I had to wait for their call. I start this Sunday and my last day of birth control is on 6/30. We'll see how this goes.

Mock Transfer

Today is our 5 year anniversary! We had to work today but have a fun weekend planned. Thanks to points from our debit cards and some rebates from work, we were able to score a gift card for Morton's Steakhouse and some vouchers for a free couple's massage! We booked this awesome hotel suite at an amazing deal. Our summers are so busy that this is about the time of the summer we start to go crazy and a little get away is much needed.
So to celebrate, we spent an hour and a half at the RE's office! We did a medication consult and that was a little overwhelming. Halfway through talking to the nurse, I was like "Wait, I need a second to process this. This is a lot." She was just talking about it like it was nothing, but she has been doing this for years! This is my first time. The nurse was great, but it was just a lot. Then, we went in for the mock transfer. They basically go in and measure where exactly to put the embryos. They decided to do it along with a sonogram so I had to drink two bottles of water so my bladder could fill up enough to see. So we waited forever while digestion did its thing and when they came to check, they couldn't really see much. So they looked and apparently my "cervix takes a nosedive". There is like a 90 degree angle in my uterus. He said its not a problem, but most of them are straight on. So it was a good thing they decided to do it with the sonogram. He said they have to put a stitch in there. So when they do the retrieval, he will put it in and "pull a string to straighten out the uterus" when they do the transfer. It was kind of painful today but luckily they said they will give me some drugs the day of the transfer to calm my nerves and help with the pain. I couldn't help but be upset on my way home thinking that so many other people out there that have fun conceiving. They have some recreational sex and BAM, pregnant. On the other hand, I have to give myself tons of injections multiple times every day, go through some pretty painful tests and procedures, get sonograms every other day (literally), and pay thousands of dollars. And all that is just to get pregnant! When I was laying on the bed feeling a "slight pinch", I just had to go to my happy place. Today, that place was at home sitting with a baby in my arms.
All of this IVF stuff is so overwhelming. We just have to take it one day at a time.

Nursery

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I have had IVF on my mind all the time and although I don't want to get too excited about it, I somehow am convinced it will work. I've been designing the nursery in my head, thinking of names, and thinking what I will be doing a year from now holding my little bundle of joy in my arms. I can't get it out of my head, so I am going to describe my little nursery in my head. First of all, I won't find out if it is a boy or girl unless we are having twins. The room will be orange (not Home Depot orange, more like a lighter spring orange). I saw this cute idea where you buy wooden letters and have people at your baby shower paint them. Then, I'll take one wall, and write out the alphabet. The other long will will have gutter book shelves. I want a white crib and a fun teal or yellow colored changing table/dresser. It will be so cute. Now, all I need is the baby.

Screaming on the inside

I don't even know where to begin. The last cycle failed. I kind of had a feeling that it would, but I was still extremely disappointed. I woke up that day and was completely numb. Then, I finally had a breakdown sometime that afternoon. I had awful cramps that day. It pretty much sucked. I called the Dr.'s office Monday and they said that I didn't have a to have a blood test if I took an HPT and just told them the results. Well, after such an awful weekend, I just told them I had taken one and it was negative. Nothing could survive the cramps that I had. I scheduled a hysteroscopy and an IVF consult.
Once we knew that we would for sure be moving forward with IVF, we decided to call D's cousin. He and his wife did IVF twice. If failed the first time and the second time led them to their cute little Kimball. They told us about their experience and gave us some tips. I am so grateful for them. I want to be as prepared as possible and while I understand we will not have the same experience, I feel that I can be more prepared going into this.
I had the hysterscopy on Thursday. Peter had a sales meeting Thursday morning and he was not able to make it. I thought I could do it without him, but I was wrong. I am not usually too nervous about everything that happens at the Dr., but I kind of freaked out this time. They have this 18 inch metal probe thing that they stick inside of you and when they left the room, it was just sitting there staring at me. As soon as he came in, I asked if that would be inside of me and he said just the tip, but I was really freaking out. Like to the point that I was in tears. SO WEIRD! He was so nice, though telling me that I was doing great and walking me through everything. He had me watch the screen and I was able to see the inside of my uterus. It was sooth as a baby's bottom. He said it looked perfect. There was no blockage to the fallopian tubes and no polyps. He said it was great and I was a perfect candidate for IVF. Once, it was done, I felt better but as soon as they walked out, I may have let a few tears fall. I was just so freaked out and nervous and it all got to me. I hated D not being there. I told him how I was feeling and he said he would never miss another appointment again. It just hit me that all this IVF stuff is really happening.
So I have mentioned before that my bff from high school is pregnant. We don't really talk much right now. I get depressed if I talk to her and I'm sure she doesn't know what to say to me. I have literally been ttc since before she met her husband so it's really hard. Well, her little brother and sister both announced this week that they are both expecting! They have both struggled with ttc (one endometriosis and one pcos) so I am happy for them but I am still upset. This is not fair! Why do I have to go through all this bs in order to get pregnant? It is not even guaranteed that it will work! I have just been so mad, pissed, upset, sad, and frustrated the last few days. I wish we could send all the pregnant people to an island so we don't have to see them until after they have their baby. No showers, no pregnant pics on fb, and no lame announcements. When I see pregnant people that I don't even know, the first thing that comes to my mind is a visual of me kicking them in the shins. What has this done to me? I know it is wrong to pull people down, but I just can't do this anymore. It is too much. I am discouraged, upset, and depressed.

The dreaded Mother's day

Well, I forgot how emotionally draining it is during the 2ww. This past Saturday, we went to a baseball game with 3 other couples. It was fun and relaxing. I was sitting by some friends and one of the girls sent me a text from a couple seats over asking if I was pregnant because I had a "glow" about me. I didn't really know how to take it. She is not malicious at all, but she doesn't exactly think through things before she says them. D thought it was really insensitive, but I brushed it off knowing her personality.
Sunday was Mother's day. We got up, showered, and started getting ready for church. I had been dreading this day for a while now. I was sitting on the couch feeling really sad when D came up to me and said "Let's not go today". It was the first time that he has really broken down during this whole time. He said that he didn't think he could get through church today without crying. I knew for sure that I could not. They have an entire Mother's day program every year with the kids and teenagers singing Mother's day songs and talks about mothers. As I was consoling him, I started to realize that I had never been in this situation before. I realized that I am ALWAYS crying on his shoulder, but he almost never cried on mine. As I heard myself say the words, "it will be ok", I really felt that it would. I instantly felt calm and more at ease. It is like God gave me strength so that I could strengthen the one I love. I believed for a small moment that we would be ok. I am so grateful for the Lord's tender mercies that help get us through the day.
Then, we went to my mom's house to hang out and talk to my little brother who is on a mission. Nobody in my family has any kids or anything yet so it wasn't too bad except for the fact that I was wondering if everybody else out there was having breakfast in bed or getting sweet presents from their kids/husband. We were watching a movie that night and I was talking to D and he was stressed about work. Since we own our own business, if work goes bad, we don't get paid. I started stressing and freaking out about the $8k bill coming up for IVF. I couldn't control myself even in front of my parents and I just broke down. The stress totally got to me.
The next day, my mom called. She talked to my grandma and said they would split the cost of the IVF and pay for it for us!!!!! I was in tears and totally speechless. This is why my family is so great. We should have some money saved up for it, but it is just nice to know that we won't have to worry about the financial aspect of the fertility treatments. D HATES taking hand outs, but we graciously accepted. My mom said that I have enough stress and that is the last thing that I need, especially during IVF. We have made a point to never borrow money (except for the business) from anybody and be completely independent, so this is very humbling.
Today, I went to lunch with some friends and one of them mentioned that they were going to start trying for number 4 although her luck, "it will probably take forever". Really? Forever? Because I'm pretty sure 3 years feels like forever. Then she was like, "Hey, wouldn't it be fun to be pregnant together?!" No, it would be fun to be pregnant, period. I drove home, fell on to Peter's lap and bawled my eyes out. That sounds a little dramatic but everything just came to a head today. I find out this weekend if the IUI worked and I am just freaking out. Two more days. Let's see if I can make it.

I-V What???

Yes. We are doing IVF if this cycle does not take. We met with the Dr. on Tuesday for our first consult. I had not idea how involved it is and what all the steps were. It was a bit overwhelming, but exciting as well. The Dr. told me that he was surprised that we weren't already pregnant. We went over the statistics (for my age group, he has a 70% live birth success rate!) and steps that we nee to take. Luckily, our insurance covers a portion of off the meds. I called them today and they are going to call me back and let me know the prices of everything. Without insurance, my doctor said the cost is $3000-$4000. Crazy. The lab is going to be closed for two weeks in July so he wanted to do the transfer right after they open. The only problem is that we only have insurance until July 25th. He said he could put me on birth control to start my cycle early an is looking at a transfer date of around July 11. That means the two week wait would end on July 25th. My birthday. Talk about nerve wracking! Last year, on my birthday, I stayed in bed the entire day because I was depressed about turning 25 and not having any kids. Hopefully this year is better. I feel excited and hopeful about doing IVF. I am sure that it will be an emotional roller coaster, but I can handle it. I can handle anything at this point. I just hope I don't go crazy with all the meds. I will be taking Gonal-F, hcg, luparon, progesterone, and a couple other ones I am forgetting. It's a little nuts, but we are diving right in!

Infertile Awareness Day

I am just frustrated with pregnant people, again. There was a baby blessing at church today for a baby who was born 6 days ago. It was short and sweet and I got through it just fine. Then, they had testimony meeting where anybody who wants to can stand up and share what they believe. A few moms stood up and just gushed about how nothing is better than being a mom. And how it is so rewarding and bla bla bla. I just sat there imagining having a little pregnant belly or with a baby carrier sitting next to me. But the pew was empty as was my belly.
I serve in the youth group at my church (girls ages 12-18) and they are singing for the Mother's Day program. They practiced the song today and to be honest, I only heard the first line of "she stood by my crib all those sleepless nights". I just want that so bad. I really don't want to go to church next Sunday. All the kids will be singing and they always have the mothers stand up so they can get a little present. I never stand up and somebody always says, "you can stand up, too, even though you don't have any kids". It is just this awkward reminder that I don't have any kids. I will stand there wishing I could be a mother while everybody can look at me and remember that I have no children of my own.
Mother's Day is National Infertility Awareness Day. I hate it. I hate all the mushy commercials and propaganda. It just brings everything that I wish I had and shoves it in my face. I really don't want to go next week, but we'll see what I decide. I wish I had a group of infertile friends who could all come over and watch movies with me on that day. I think the idea of Mother's Day approaching is just as difficult as Mother's Day itself.

Round 2

So I went to the doctor yesterday to see if I was ready for the trigger shot. Turns out, I had one main follicle, two minor follicles, and a bunchof little follicles. Everybody kept commenting on how "beautiful" my cycle was. The sonographer, the nurse, everybody. They gave the the ovidrel in the office and scheduled the IUI for this morning. 8:00 this morning to be exact. Early but we made it work. Unfortunately, Dr. Barnett was not there since today is a Saturday, but his co-worker Dr. Ku was there. He said the cycle was great for me but that D's count is still low. He has all normal numbers except for the motile sperm. Ideally, the number should be above 10 million. Last cycle the number was 2.4. He has been taking a multivitamin which supposedly should help. Today, the number was 2.8. Dr. Ku recommended that if this IUI didn't work to move on to IVF. That is what we were thinking anyway and what Dr. Barnett recommended. The IUI actually kind of hurt this time. He told me that it is normal because the uterus cramps as soon as he gets into it. Then, he said that we should meet with Dr. Barnett before this cycle is over so that we can get ready for IVF if needed. It would take at least a couple cycles to do. The good thing is that the total cost is $8,000. Our insurance will cover part of it. The front desk girl is going to call our insurance company on Monday and find out how much is covered. Meds are also covered. As soon as they left the room, I started crying. Does this mean that we go from the category of "unexplained infertility" to "male factor infertility"? And why was his first test so high (11 million)!? I felt awful for crying in front of Peter. I do not blame him by any means and I would not him to cry in front of me if the problem was with me. I guess I just didn't really expect that. Also, I'm wondering if this means that IVF would be our only option any time we wanted to have another kid. We would have to save up for years before we could have each kid! We could spend half of that to adopt but I don't know if that is what we should do.
Hopefully this cycle works and I won't have to worry about it for a while, but I have a feeling that we will be doing IVF in just a few short months. I feel calm but kind of overwhelmed. I don't really know what I feel right now.

I would die for that

I found this fabulous website that is a book club for ladies struggling with infertility. They have a play list of favorite songs to listen to on a good day. I just played The Dog Days Are Over because I love that song and the next song was I would Die For That by Kelly Coffey. I had never heard it before but it totally brought me to tears. Luckily, the next song was Firework by Katy Perry. Really, do you ever feel like a plastic bag? (really? who wrote those lyrics?) Here are the lyrics for the Kelly Coffey song:

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Update

I haven't really blogged about this cycle so far. I am finally done taking clomid and have one more injection left tomorrow. Then, I go in for a sono Friday morning. Owning a pest control company, our summers get crazy busy. Our official summer started this week and with Easter this last weekend, the days have flown by. Last time we did a combo cycle, it seemed to drag on forever, but this one has been pretty quick. I don't know if it is because we had a month "off" from treatments or if I have been too busy to worry about this cycle, but it hasn't really been in the forefront of my mind. I haven't even blog stalked any infertiles until last night. Usually, this is almost a nightly thing to make myself feel better.
I have only had one really bad headache and that was this morning. It is weird because I am not excited at all about this cycle. I really feel like it is just a step closer to doing IVF. I really don't think it will work but I'm not sure why I feel like that. Maybe it's just me being pessimistic or maybe I am just so preoccupied with the thought of IVF. I just feel numb. Hopefully I'm wrong.

ABC of TTC

Just decided it was time to post and I copied this from some other bloggers.

A. Age when you started TTC: 22

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Neither. Baby Dancing just sounds stupid though.

C. Children wanted: When we first got married, I was thinking 3 since there were 3 in my family. Now, I want 4-5. I guess you always want what you can't have :(

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: The best, cutest, funniest, little dachshund, Winston. I swear that he has been sent from heaven. When I am getting cramps or feeling sick, he snuggles me. When I am crying, he puts his nose right in my face and I can't help but laugh. When I am happy, he gets excited and wags his tail so much it shakes his little butt. I don't know what I would do without him.

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Prenatals.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid, Ovidrel, Gonal-F pen (I think its follitism in it?)

G. Gain: Patience, Empathy. Sensitivity to the fact that everybody is struggling with something that we may not know about.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): January 2011. All clear but it has been the most physically painful part of TTC up to this point.

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: Everybody else getting pregnant. Facebook baby diaries. Baby showers. Belly pics. People telling me I'm lucky I don't have kids.

J. Job title: Secretary/CEO/CFO/Manager. We own our own pest control company so my husband and I pretty much do it all.

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: The only names we won't reuse are either of our immediate family's names and I'm not worried about it. My names will always be better ;)

L. Length of time TTC: 2 years and 10 months

M. Miscarriages: none, luckily. I don't think I could handle that.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Never! We went from our Obgyn to our RE and stayed there. I've been really happy with my doctors.

O. Ovarian quality: Never tested this

P. POAS or wait for AF: Wait. After 34 cycles, I cannot afford to buy that many pee sticks. My cycle is really regular, though so I know when its coming.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: Everybody and their dogs are doing IVF these days, it's not really a big deal. Really? I'm pretty sure anything that costs over $10,000 is a big deal. And I guess as long as dogs are doing it, I should be fine.

S. Sperm: We've gotten two different results and are getting a third test done this weekend.

T. Time you tried naturally: 2 years

U. Uterus quality: Good as far as I know.

V. Vagina: What?

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: NOTHING. That would be torture. Plus, I change my mind so much if I bought anything, I would probably be sick of it by the time I needed it.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? A few close friends and our immediate families.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I had one in January because I had just gotten health insurance but I don't think I would get one if I needed it right now. .

Z. Zits: More after TTC. Either from eating my worries away (or drinking Dr. Pepper, really), stress, or just hormones in my body.

Frustrations

Sunday: I got into a car wreck with my husband. I rear-ended him. The main problem was that he just put the trailer hitch on the new truck so it jacked my car. Suck. Then, we went to go see some old friends. We used to live pretty close and see each other almost every dau, but we moved and only get to see them every so often. We were catching up and she told me she was pregnant. Again. This is her 5th kid! Here's the conversation:
Her: "We are having another one in December"
Me: "Really? (I was caught totally off guard) Wow. Good for you."
Her: "Yeah it was earlier than we expected but Husband always talks about having 10 kids so it's fine. (Again, this is their 5th. She isn't kidding about the 10 kids)"
The conversation kind of fizzled from there. The thing that bugs me the most is that she knows about our infertility struggles! And she's just like "yeah, earlier than we expected". Really lady? Because mine is 3 years later than I expected.

Monday: I start day 1 of cycle and call the doctor's office. Schedule an appoint for a sono for Tuesday morning to see if the cysts decreased enough to start treatment this cycle. I am nervous and freaking out all day but work was really busy so at least I was somewhat distracted. I'm grateful for priesthood blessings and the comfort that comes from them.

Tuesday: Sono bright and early. Nothing like being prodded at 8 in the morning. Luckily, it was good news! My right ovary had two huge cysts and they are down to 15 mm. The left is even smaller. I was so excited (the cut off is 18 mm) and may or may not have jumped off the table holding the little paper sheet around me and did a happy dance. I am so lucky to have the job that we have because Peter has never missed an appointment and we were both so excited. They did estrogen and FSH tests to confirm that the cysts are not going to throw off the cycle but if everything goes well, I start clomid this Friday! Needless to say, I was really nervous when I saw the office number calling my cell phone, but the nurse was just calling to say my levels were fine and that I should order the meds (already done by this point). YAY. Insert happy dance again.
Then, my SIL (younger brother's wife) was texting me asking how it went. I told her the story and she proceeded to tell me she is taking FertilAid (she has a hard time ovulating). I didn't even know they were "trying"!!!! They just had their one year anniversary. Like three days ago. Then she told me she has been taking it for 3 weeks and is impatient waiting for it to work. 3 WEEKS? Try 3 YEARS. I am not the person to talk to about being impatient. What's with the insensitive people this week? I don't mind talking to her about my fertility treatments or giving her advise for going to the doctor, but I don't want to talk about how impatient she is waiting for these pills to kick in. If they get pregnant before me, I really might just hurt myself. Or somebody else.
To end on a happy note, we are both just so excited to go forward with this cycle. D just turned to me out of nowhere and said "I am so happy. I feel so relieved that we can move forward this month." I love him.

I'm only 25!

I don't really have much to say tonight but I need to blog about something. I hung out with a couple friends tonight who are the same age as me. One just had a little baby girl in December and one has two little girls. I watched them today being moms and I want that. I want to love somebody like that. I want somebody to love me like that. I will be a good mom. I have had enough great moms in my life that I really think I will be a good mom. I know I won't be perfect and I will surely make mistakes, but I still want to take a shot at it.

So bugged

I am so bugged right now. I honestly am thinking about deleting my FB account. (OK, maybe not really but kind of). I am so sick of people using FB as a personal baby diary! I have some really close friends who are pregnant so I can't really delete them. I don't want to block them because they are still friends that I talk to on a regular basis. But do they really have to post ever little thing about being pregnant of fb? They have sonograms as their profile pictures so every time they do anything on fb, I can see it. They post belly pics, talk about how they want to sleep on their stomachs, and complain about being fat. And they all comment on each other's pregnancy posts. I DON'T FREAKING CARE! I really try to be positive as much as I can but this just gets under my skin. First of all, why does your profile pic have to be your uterus? Should I put a picture of my uterus? Of better yet sonogram of the cysts on my ovaries? And do you really have to complain about getting "fat"? I have been trying for 3 years to have a baby growing inside of me and you are complaining about how big you're getting?!? Another thing, do you really have to write your in-utero baby "letters" as your status? "Dear baby, I just can't wait to meet you" "Dear baby, just move over so I can fit some more food into my body" Dear baby, slap me across the face so I don't have to read these horrible status updates anymore". Gag me. And lastly, I'm over the belly pictures. Maybe I should have my husband take pictures of me facing the side with my flat belly and make YOU jealous. You obviously don't think about how your fb actions might affect anybody else, so maybe I should just think about myself for once? Maybe I should post status updates about how I want to round up all the pregnant women and ship them off to one island so I don't have to see/hear/talk to them anymore. I just want to scream right now. Get a freaking scrapbook or personal blog so I don't have to look at all of you non-reproductively challenged people.
I say this hiding behind a computer screen in my own home. I would never be that mean to people, I care too much about others' feelings. But for now, let me go cry in my room by myself.

PETA

I've always hated PETA because they value animal life above human life. I want the ethical treatment for animals but they take it to extremes. I didn't think I could hate them anymore until I found out about their latest campaign. Win A Vasectomy. Whatever, I don't really care if you get a vasectomy but in honor of NATIONAL INFERTILITY WEEK?!?!?!? Really? Here's a line copied right from their website, "And with a global population of almost 7 billion humans, more of our species could use a (voluntary) snip too."
I find this extremely tactless and offensive. Did they really think that offering a procedure to prevent babies would honor people who can't have babies? By even launching this campaign, then using words like "snip" it completely mocks infertility as a disease. I do support the ethical treatment of animals, but I support the ethical treatment of PEOPLE even more. I have spent 3 years of my life, thousands of dollars, and countless tears trying to have a baby and this is just rude and disrespectful. I'm disgusted and don't even know what else to say.
Even my dog is booing PETA. I'm going to go eat a steak now.

And the verdict is...

We have been trying to decide whether to pursue adoption or IVF. This weekend we were able to watch the Prophet and apostles of our church speak in General Conference. They gave many inspiring talks about trials. I got the feeling that we basically needed to make the decision ourselves, then ask the Lord if we are doing the right thing. I felt the prompting that I was sent to this earth in a time where we have the medical technology that would allow us to do something such as IVF. So today, I decided to go with IVF. We still want to do one more IUI before IVF and we are going to take that time to educate ourselves as much as possible about IVF. D has a cousin who recently had a baby by IVF so we plan on calling them and getting their perspective and experience with it. Hopefully the next IUI will work, but if not, at least we now have a plan.