Long week/end

It all started Wednesday with the progesterone test. I guess it was normal because they said that no news is good news and I haven't heard from them. Then, I took my mom to the airport and we talked about going to Steph's shower Thurs night. I decided I wouldn't go because I had so much anxiety over it. I had breakfast with Steph Thursday morning. It was great to catch up and just hang out. She asked about what was going on and I filled her in but I couldn't bring myself to ask about her pregnancy. Just seeing her belly and talking about her kid made me feel like wanting to crawl into a hole. I felt like a bad friend for not asking but I couldn't risk a breakdown in the middle of a restaurant. When I was talking to her, she mentioned that a couple of friends from high school would be at the shower that night. I told her that if I would go I would probably not be able to stay the entire time. She said it was no big deal and she was just happy I would stop by but not to feel any pressure. Because of the way she handled it, I decided I would brave it and just go. She also asked me why I didn't just open up and tell everybody my situation(Her sister has PCOS and is very open about it). I told her that it was very personal and emotional. I didn't want people always asking how things were going. What if they went bad? What if the IUI didn't work and I had to explain it to everybody? It would only make things harder. People who never struggle with this will NEVER understand what it is like to go through this. Or how to react. Or what to say to somebody who wants a baby more than anything but can't seem to make it happen. Just because her sister is open about it does not mean that I should be too.
When I got home, I had to ask Peter to go shopping with me for baby crap. I didn't think I could do it alone. It was actually pretty funny because Peter kept picking out little boy clothes and saying "and they wonder why their kid turns gay" haha. He knows how to lighten (almost) any mood. I got tons of clothes and some shoes for her and a cute little bag and headed out. The shower was not fun but it wasn't horrible either. They had some lame baby games and only one person asked me if we were having a baby any time soon. I just answered with a quick "no" and left it at that. I didn't think I needed to explain anything to anyone. I ended up staying the entire time and at least got a Skor bar out of it. She seemed to really like what I got her so that's nice.
Friday night, we went camping with some friends. It was PERFECT weather and so nice to get away even for just a night. We spent the evening hanging out around the campfire and talking. Everybody there but us had kids and we both felt a little left out. We have really great friends, though, who never ask questions and we really feel accepted even though we don't have any kids of our own. And all their kids are really cute so that helps :). The conversation turned to having a family and the joy that it brings. They kept saying that there is nothing more rewarding than having kids or they never thought it would be as great as it is. I didn't say anything because I feel like I have nothing to contribute. It is like craving chocolate for days and then seeing everybody around you eat chocolate and bragging about how amazing it is while you sit by yourself and watch. But way worse. Luckily the conversation changed fairly quickly but it was still hard.
When we got back Saturday afternoon, we took a little nap then had dinner with some old friends we hadn't seen in a few months. She knew a little bit of what was going on and I briefly caught her up. She said she knows lots of people who struggle with fertility but has almost all of them get pregnant in time. I appreciated her words and that she didn't say "Well, it's on the Lord's time" or "Just relax" or any other stupid comments.
Today (Sunday) I didn't go to church because I have been having cramps. Since Friday, I have been having what feels like monthly cramps on and off. It is really freaking me out. I shouldn't start my period until Wed or Thurs and I don't usually get cramps this early but it still worries me. Why else would I be getting cramps? Maybe it is a way for me to mentally prepare for the BFN (big fat negative) on Wednesday.
I keep getting more and more nervous as Wednesday approaches. We put so much time, energy, and money into this cycle and if it doesn't work, it will feel like a waste. Plus, Peter will be out of town and I have to teach that night at church. I guess I will have to stock up on Dr. Pepper and Rocky Road ice cream this week.